Homepage / Fake News / I Am Serena’s Tutu.
Female Director Asked If She Feels Comfortable Filming Scene While Nude Amazon Officially Picks New York, Northern Virginia For Next Headquarters Opie Taylor Actually Barney Fife’s Love Child Recently Divorced 40-Year-Old Struggling To Navigate College Dating Scene A TV Game Show Marketed Toward Acne Sufferers Hits The Airwaves Melania Releases Statement Calling For Removal Of First Lady From White House Nation’s Tourists Announce Plans To Form Circle, Clap Hands Around Guys Doing Flips And Stuff Nancy Pelosi Planning To Reenergize House By Injecting Self With Blood Of Young Representatives The Orb in the Woods Kids Naked Man Refusing To Let Unworthy Attire Touch His Body Until Launch Of New Onion Store Merchandise The Onion’s Guide To ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ The Fantastic Bore North Korea Possibly Still Operating Hidden Missiles Bases Idiot Humans Love When AI Jumbles Up Words 45-Year-Old Loser Moves In With Parents Mark Wahlberg: New Movie "Basically Sucks" ‘He’s Not Right For You,’ Report Relationship Experts Who Must Not Want To See You Be Happy Hillary Launches Campaign To Raise $100 Million Or Else She’ll Run For President Poll Finds Voters Don’t Support Impeaching Trump Steve King Vehemently Denies Comparing Immigrants To People New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Reveals Final Season Will Be Cobbled Together From Old Footage NRA Publishes Tips For Staying Safe While Committing A Mass Shooting Natural Killers: A Message from an Environmentally-Conscious NRA Member New York City Announces Subway Just For Amazon Employees Now 5 Things To Know About ‘Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald’ Thank You For Doing All the Work Surgeon General Confirms A Bit Of Blow Here And There Won’t Kill Ya The Internet In A Nutshell Trump Delivers Touching Tribute To Fallen Heroes Of WWE Political Ad Spending Hit New Record In 2018 Midterms Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 13, 2018 Your Horoscope Based on the Demon That Has Possessed Your Body Ecologists Discover 400 Species Of Charles Darwin Living In Galápagos Islands Kid Diving Into Pile Of Leaves Has No Idea There Homeless Guy Jerking Off In There Stan Lee, Creator Of Beloved Marvel Character Stan Lee, Dead At 95 Emmanuel Macron Calls For ‘True European Army’ Against U.S., Chinese Threats 3 More States Vote To Legalize Marijuana Woman Confident She Has The Safety Net It Takes To Achieve Dreams FEMA Assures Wildfire Victims Bucket Brigade Nearly Over Maryland State Line Study Finds Only 20% Of Seminary Graduates Go On To Become God Family Figures Grandpa Never Talks About WWII Because Nothing Interesting Happened To Him Sorry, I'm a Slow Eater Friends Excitedly Gather Around Man’s Phone To Watch Shaky Footage Of Concert A Teacher's Assistant of Sorts Six Ways I Want Dwanye “The Rock” Johnson to Crush Me Trump Hacks Through Thick Central American Jungle In Search Of Entirely New Ethnic Group To Demonize Unattractive Man Not Fooling Anyone By Dressing Well The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 12, 2018 Al Gore Discovers a New Environmental Bogeyman I Am A Funny, Funny Book in A Barnes & Noble Display and I Want to Be With Your Niece DMs to a Young Influencer In Honor of Veteran’s Day… A Serious Note from SatireWorld | You make the news…We report it! Should Dunkin’ Donuts End Its Promotion With The NFL That Gives Fans One Free Medium Coffee For Every First Down? Cowboy Ex- Quarterback Tony Romo on Whether He Misses Jessica Simpson Kemp pushes Abrams to concede in Georgia gubernatorial race Neophyte Congresswoman-Elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Sends a Text Message House Republicans Look Forward To Leaving "All This Unpleasantness" Behind A Full Body Cast Fruit Beasts vs. Veggie Monsters Who Watches Your Instagram Stories at Night ICE-breakers: Fun Games for Agents and Immigrant Children Royal Baby Watch! Harry And Meghan Just Carved A Hole In The Side Of The PODS Container Where They Live Through Which Meghan Will Give Birth Astronomers Confirm Moon Will Have Dozens Of New Phases In 2019 Buy Partisan Is Cindy Gruden Worth More Than The 7th-Round Pick Jon Gruden Traded Her For? Study Finds Mediterranean Diet Adds Years To Your Life, But Only By Taking Them Away From Others Georgia GOP Demands Stacey Abrams Step Down As Candidate To Avoid Conflict Of Interest Now That the House Is Democratic, I’m Turning My Life Around Record Number Of Women To Take Seats In Congress Reddi-Wip Casually Announces Their Nozzles Can Easily Fit Into Most Orifices Top 10 Positive Things Trump Did for Americans on Nov. 6th City Officials Warn Against Flushing Feminine Hygiene Products After Finding 8-Foot-Long, 250-Pound Tampon Lurking In Sewers The 10 Chillest Bros To Have In Your Squad Michelle Obama Admits Barack Had Way Too Much Sperm To Make Natural Conception Possible 5 Simple Phrases You Can Use To Act Like You Understand Current Events Tips For Ending A Friendship What's Your Worst Drunken Disaster? Ruth Bader Bar Brawl? Ginsburg Admits Injuries Occurred During Raucous Bar Fight He Was The Darling Of The Festival Circuit. He Dominated Awards Season. He Had One Of The Biggest Production Companies In The World. Why One Man Decided To Walk Away From It All Trump saved female intern from Acosta sex attack claims Sarah Sanders Long-Shot Candidate Proposes Four Ball Legislation to Counter Unfair Three Strikes Law Trump Says He Hopes To Work With Democrats On Infrastructure, Drug Pricing Obvious Election Fraud Committed in New Mexico… by a County (a Satireworld Editorial) I Plan to Do Great Work Today Buzz Aldrin Has Announced That He Forgot To Tell Anyone He Saw A Fox On The Moon Idris Elba Named Sexiest Man Alive Uber Driver Wants You To Know That Lots Of Mexicans Live In This Neighborhood Dunkin’ Donuts Unveils New Seasonal Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte For End Of Fall Active Shooter Defeats Democratic Challenger in Mississippi Governor's Race Benefits Of Keeping A Journal Sarah Huckabee Sanders Denies Doctoring Footage Showing Jim Acosta In Clown Makeup Blowing Up Gotham Hospital Frustrated Nursing Student Unable To Draw Blood Without Draining Entire Body Red Sox Take Out Full-Page Ad In ‘New York Times’ Reminding City They Won World Series Chris Collins Thanks Supporters With Can't-Miss Tip On Biotech Stock Mueller Annoyed By Dipshit Protestors Holding Up Traffic During Commute Jeff Sessions Forced Out As Attorney General Department Of Interior Reopens National Parks After Filling In All Canyons Posing Hazardous Fall Risk To Visitors Anguished, Screaming Trump Bans Father’s Ghost From Press Room For Silently Pointing At Him ‘Sir, You Stated You Wanted To Modernize The Grinch For Today’s Audience,’ Says New CNN Entertainment Reporter Jim Acosta I Believe in the Rehabilitation of the Child I’m Asking You to Sentence to Life Without Parole

Fake News

I Am Serena’s Tutu.




I am achromatic.

I am immaculate.

I have no feelings. But if I did have feelings, I suspect I might have a crush on Barack Obama’s tan suit. If you see him, give him my number. It’s 212-HOT-TUTU.

I am impeccably cylindrical. Like the sun. Like a Starbucks cup lid. Like the wheel on Wheel of Fortune starring Pat Sajak and Vanna White. Like the button that enlarges a window on my Mac. Like a cinnamon donut on a crisp autumn morning. Like the 45 I had of Minnie Riperton’s 1975 single, “Lovin’ You.”

Like John McEnroe’s red terry cloth headband, I am functional.

Like Andre Agassi’s mullet, I shall never be replicated.

Like Stan Smith’s Stan Smiths, I am immortal.

I have a complex heritage. My mother was borne from the hanky-panky that happened when someone put the Princess Diana’s wedding dress and Superman’s cape in the same suitcase. My father was borne from when the wedding dress of Grace Kelly fornicated with that magical suit Michael Jackson wore in his “Billie Jean” video when they were at the same dry cleaner. You know the one when he stepped on those bricks and the bricks lit up.

I am made with nearly translucent muslin and gossamer silk and crystalline tulle. And plutonium.

I am iconic.

I am buoyant. I am effervescent. I am irrepressible. I am ethereal. I am what might happen if an albino unicorn drank two liters of Coca-Cola and then ate some pop rocks and then metabolically attached itself to a mighty tennis player.

I am inedible. (Don’t ask.)

If RBG didn’t have to wear a black robe, she would ask to wear me and I would let her.

I am iridescent, like that thing that came out of the Ark of the Covenant. One day Indiana Jones’s descendants will search for me. I will let them find me. But if one of them tries to put me on over their treasure hunting costume I will melt his fucking face.

I will let you touch me. Briefly. But if you rub me with your fingers like sometimes people do when they touch gauzy fabrics I will fucking cut you.

I am immune to the bacterial culture medium that is human sweat. Its toxicity is of no consequence to me. I repel all that is virulent. I can and will kill Ebola.

I am elegant and plain; I am savage and calm; I am graceful and rugged; I am sublime and simple; I am dainty and strong; I am delicate and violent.

Chadwick Boseman wore me when he was trying out for the role of Black Panther. The director loved Chadwick Boseman but wanted to take his costume in a different direction. Which I totally understand.

I was designed and crafted by Brontes, the Greek god of thunder. That’s right. A man sewed me. With thread that he borrowed from Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of beauty.

Ancient cultures believed that if they looked at me too long I would steal their soul. And those ancient cultures would be correct.

I revel in the spotlight. But I know that I owe everything to the one who wears me. She has shown me what it means to be strong.

Kellyanne Conway thought about wearing me. She tried me on and I gave her chronic dysentery.

With her forehands and backhands she makes my ruffles swoosh around and the ruffle swooshing subsequently makes sounds. You can’t hear those sounds because they are at a frequency of approximately 40 kHzs, well beyond the range that a human ear can hear. But if a human ear could hear them then you would know that the sounds of my swooshing are like what would happen if Josh Groban and Whitney Houston had a baby. And the baby sang “The Star-Spangled Banner.” With the Boston Symphony Orchestra. At Fenway Park. On the Fourth of July. And everyone gets a voucher for one free lemonade and one free Fenway frank.

Do not wash me. Do not tumble dry me.

Once, I gave Chuck Norris a dirty look and that bitch started to cry.

In a decade or so, when you look at photographs taken of me, I will not be there.

jQuery(document).ready(function(t){function o(t,o,e){if(e){var a=new Date;a.setTime(a.getTime()+24*e*60*60*1e3);var i=”; expires=”+a.toGMTString()}else i=””;document.cookie=t+”=”+o+i+”; path=/”}t(document).on(“click”,”.yuzo_pro .relatedthumb, .yuzo_pro_w .relatedthumb”,function(e){if(e.preventDefault(),t(this).attr(“data-href”))var a=t(this).attr(“data-href”);else{var i=t(this);k=1;do{i=i.parent(),k++}while(!i.attr(“data-href”)&&k<10);a=t(this).attr("data-href")}var r=t(this).attr("target"),n=t(this).attr("data-id");o("yuzoclick_"+n,n+"|"+t(this).attr("data-ip"),.1),r?window.open(a):window.location.href=a}),function(){var e=function(t){var o=("; "+document.cookie).split("; "+t+"=");if(2==o.length)return o.pop().split(";").shift()}("yuzoclick_"+yuzo_js.post_id);if(e){var a=e.split("|");e=a[0];var i=a[1];e&&(o("yuzoclick_"+e,"",-1),t.ajax({url:yuzo_js.ajaxur,data:{action:"action_click",nonce:yuzo_js.nonce,post_id:e,ip:i},success:function(t){console.log(t)},type:"POST"}).fail(function(t,o,e){console.log(t),console.log("yuzo: Error count clicks:"+t+" textStatus:"+o+" errorThrown:"+e)}))}}()});




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish