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I Am a Designer with a Capital “D” and This Temper-Tantrum that I’m Throwing Right Now is My Latest Masterpiece

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When I lose my shit, I do so with gusto and genius. No one’s ever going to sit back after watching me blow a gasket and say, “Boy, that guy just doesn’t know how to flip the fuck out.”

That’s because I’m a Designer with a capital ‘D’. So you can bet your ass that when a developer decides to value-engineer the entire swimming pool out of a project, I’m going to throw a shit fit that transcends both the boundaries of highly volatile human emotions and simple aesthetic beauty.

Take this cell phone that I’m slamming against my desk right now, for example. Notice how I have been doing this for the better part of a minute already and have not yet stopped despite the fact that my mouse-maneuvering arm is starting to hurt. But I’m not going to quit until that little silver screened bastard shatters into a thousand tiny fragments, creating an exquisite pattern suspended in the otherwise utterly still office air that doubles as a commentary on the destruction of the natural environment that is resulting from our relentless pursuit of rare-earth elements.

Not only is my performance taking me one step closer to satiating my unhinged emotional instability, but the powerful crash of non-recyclable materials to the floor also highlights the urgent need to protect what remains of our planet’s fragile ecosystem.

It’s all just a part of the standard degree of rigor that I always apply to my professional practice.

Which is why I’m going after my keyboard next. Fortunately, it isn’t wireless, so when it goes, the monitor to which it is attached goes too. Not only is my performance taking me one step closer to satiating my unhinged emotional instability, but the powerful crash of non-recyclable materials to the floor also highlights the urgent need to protect what remains of our planet’s fragile ecosystem.

I’m not interested in contributing another meaningless piece to the vast canon of benign, corporate wall art; mine is an art that stops the viewer in his or her tracks and provokes an immediate visceral response. It’s only normal to start questioning your own beliefs after you’ve witnessed one of my passionate performances.

But like all great Design solutions, all highly irrational outbursts also require that an iterative process be undertaken to reach the sort of magnificence necessary to receive praise and awards from Europe’s leading magazines and journals, and that requires buckling down, remaining focused, and banging those iterations out.

So even though my monitor now lies broken and neglected on my semi-opaque plastic floor mat, this temper-tantrum is still only gaining in strength like a category-5 hurricane strengthened by the effects of climate change.

This magnum opus demands further refinement; It should come as no surprise that my next iteration involves my cumbersome swivel chair. I’m building the Sistine Chapel of hissy fits, and my actions are not just going to make Michelangelo turn in his grave with envy, but also demonstrate just how terribly the world is going to shit when I chuck that thing as hard as I can through something breakable.

And there it goes! The swivel chair’s now flying across the room, the unidirectional curvilinear movement of its arc through the air a simple yet astute critique on the one-way street of warming global temperatures and the associated fissuring and splintering apart of the Antarctic Ice Cap, which is made even clearer when the chair crashes through the glass partition wall looking out onto the hallway. Being interrupted and diverted en route to the print room by such a forceful physical symbol might not be convenient or pleasant for the unpaid intern walking haplessly by, but well-behaved works of art rarely make strong and lasting statements on issues.

This isn’t just about me venting all my pent-up rage like a spoiled 5 year old child, this is about changing peoples’ minds and making the world a better place.




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