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Fake News

How to Survive Various Animal Attacks

Bear: The best way to survive a bear attack is to play dead. However, you will notice that bears are a very observant creature, and many of them are part-time theatre critics. If you do a bad job of appearing dead, they will notice, and this will enrage them. So, if you are a bad actor, do not play dead, actually die instead. It is easier to pull off.

Shark: Sharks are notoriously deadly killing machines, whilst in the water that is. The suggested way of removing yourself from a potentially deadly shark encounter is to exit the water. Sharks are famously unable to swim there. If the shark shows persistence and pursues you once you have exited the water, the next step is to climb a tree. The shark may be able to force itself onto the land, but it definitely cannot climb a tree. If the shark follows you up the tree, it is probably a bear, not a shark. Simple mistake. See above.

Snake: If a snake attacks you, there is very little you can do—it is going to bite you. When it bites you, bite it right back. The venom it pumps into you will then go right back into it. You will both die. This is the only way.

Elephant: Our method for surviving the attack of the mighty elephant is controversial and requires some planning. Before it has a chance to charge you, before it can stampede you with hooves and tusks, even before it wakes up that morning, you must sneak up, take away its Xanax, and hope it becomes suicidal.

Bird: A fool-proof method to survive a bird attack is to shit on it. This will confuse the bird, since it is flying. Now it is off its game. If the bird is already on the ground, it is too late. If you want to know how to shit on a bird while it is flying, please see the article called “How to Shit on Various Animals.”

Jellyfish: Many people think that when attacked by a jellyfish, you are supposed to urinate on the wound. Apparently, the ammonia in your urine will ease the pain. This is silly and obviously does not work. However, urine is the key to surviving a jellyfish attack. The trick is to pee directly onto the jellyfish, as this will nullify its powers.

Badger: Shoot the badger.

Bees: When being chased by a swarm of bloodthirsty, furious, sexy (ignore that last one) bees, it is actually best to stop running. Stop, turn, face the bees, and challenge one bee to a duel. The other bees will have to stop and honor the duel. Now you only have to fight one bee. This increases your odds of survival to 20%. Bees are tremendous duelists.

Narwhal: A little-known fact is that Narwhals are very similar to bees. Not only are they tremendous duelists, but their tooth-sword thing, like a bee’s stinger, is a one-use weapon that is often left in the body of its victim. We suggest you let the Narwhal stab you with that tooth-sword thing. Now you have a tooth-sword thing. Kill the narwhal.

Mongoose: The fuck is a mongoose? Describe the mongoose to us, we don’t know what it is. It’s like a weasel? It fights snakes? Hardcore. Sounds cool. Let us know if you survive the attack and how you did it so we can update the list.

Deer: There is a very popular film that teaches you exactly how to survive a deer attack. Unfortunately, the movie has been altered by goddamn environmentalist nutcases, so the violent, rabid deer attacking an innocent man is no longer the focal point. However, if you watch the unedited edition of the film, you will see the only way to survive hand-to-hoof combat with a deer is to kill its mother.

Koala: How did the Koala get here? Koala are very cute and are not at all dangerous to humans. Well, that is not entirely true. Some Koalas do carry syphilis. But for that to be an issue you would have to be… What are you doing with the Koala? Put the Koala down sir.

Human: We never heard back from that guy who asked about the Mongoose so we are guessing if you attack the human with a Mongoose, it will just fucking die. Mongoose are man’s only natural predator, we are guessing. All hail the mighty Mongoose.

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