Homepage / Fake News / How to Sell Your Smoky Beanie Baby Collection, According to My Aunt Connie, A Non-Smoker
This Whole Flood Thing Sounds Pretty Bogus An Ice Cream Truck | See Plum Run Gov. Cuomo, Please Repeat That America “Was Never That Great” Mueller Ready To Deliver Major Parts Of Findings After Midterms I’m a 9-1-1 Operator who Loves the Movie “Titanic” Conor McGregor Announces Plans to Fight JFK International Airport If Any Autistic Kids Are Tryna Go To Prom With Me, I’d Be More Than Happy To Do That Shit (By Logan Paul) ‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation Manny Machado Denies Playing Dirty After Late Slide Into Pitcher’s Mound Timeline Of The U.S. Supreme Court The Weird Lore of the Wendigo and Why They're Kinda the Original Zombies Mirena Releases New 10-Blade IntraUterine Sperm Shredder Why The Scariest Episode Of 'Goosebumps' Is Even Scarier Today Twitter To Totally Ban ‘Retweets’ | Adobo Chronicles A Thank You Note From My Ex’s Current Girlfriend Trump Has Raised Over $100 Million For Reelection Campaign 5 Real Life Cryptids You'll Deal With On A Daily Basis Skip Bayless Rips Shannon Sharpe’s Heart From Body During Debate On Cowboys O-Line Why You Shouldn't Have a Gender Reveal Party Your Horoscope for When the Trappist Exoplanets are in Retrograde Study Finds Over 5 Million Birds Die Annually From Head-On Collisions With Clouds FAA Study Finds 64% Of Engine Failures Caused By Henchman Being Kicked Into Turbine These Rival Gang Members Came Together To Help Build A Community Playground To Fight Over Ugh, Political Comedy is the Worst Bearded, Keffiyeh-Clad Jared Kushner Avoids Conflict Of Interest By Joining Saudi Royal Family KIND Bar CEO Admits They Just Sort Of Find The Bars Like That Heaven Can't Wait National Fraternity Conference Chooses Least MILF-ish Celebrities Canada Starts Legal Marijuana Sales Elizabeth Warren Refuses To Withdraw Candidacy and Announces Presidential Bid How To Charge Your Phone Faster Sprinter Feels Like An Idiot After Finding Out About Jogging Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay Lottery Ticket Holder Has Already Spent $900 Million In Anticipation Of Winning Big Prize Why Candy Corn Is the Best Halloween Candy, Hands Down Judge Denies Manafort Request To Wear Suit In Court Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV The Midterm Intervention | HumorFeed A Book Review Of Madeleine Albright’s ‘Fascism: A Warning’ Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls C-3PO's Origins & HP Lovecraft | Um Actually AC/DC’s next release to be a concept album based on The Krankies I Lost 80 Pounds Just by Exorcising the Demon That was Inhabiting My Body Finding A Great Woman Online: Is It Possible? New Ted Cruz Attack Ad Declares Beto O’Rourke Too Good For Texas Spot Where Dog Vomit Cleaned Up Now Noticeably Cleaner Than Surrounding Floor Is Sen. Warren Featured In The Pocahontas Exhibit At The National Museum Of The American Indian? Viewer Discretion Advised President Implicates Mysterious 400 Pound Man In Journalist’s Disappearance The 4 Disgusting People Who Led Me To Abandon The Priesthood After My Hand Touched Their Tongue While Feeding Them A Communion Wafer Sears Files For Bankruptcy Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test On Native American Ancestry The Midterm Intervention – Will Durst, Humor Times Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined Melania Trump’s Plane Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Smoke Begins Billowing Out Of First Lady Front-Porch Politics: Everyone Wants Populist Reforms All The Good Sentiments On ‘Get Well Soon’ Card Already Taken Why 'Rings' Has the Dumbest Horror Movie Ending Ever Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25 Only I Can Insult My Mom House Haunters: HGTV’s New Spooky Halloween Show Homemade DNA Test Proves Trump Boys Are At Least One Jar Blood 5 Party Games For People With Social Anxiety Trump: ‘The Only Way To Find Out What Happened At The Saudi Consulate Is To Send In More Journalists One At A Time’ Dad Apparently Using Spanish Accent To Pronounce Middle Eastern Food Now Arkansas City Posts Bid To Host 2032 Summer Olympic Games Has Your Mother Been Seduced Into Joining a Polygamist Cult? University Suspends All Lightweights From Campus Following Fraternity Hazing Death Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family Tips For Giving A Great Wedding Toast Golden State Raises 2018, 2019, 2020 Championship Banners This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members Democratic Candidate Blows Fundraising Lead On Massive 15-Story Lawn Sign ‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr ‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance Smitten, Trump Hires Kanye at Lunch Mike Pompeo Impressed By Realism Of Saudis’ Halloween Decorations The Jerry Duncan Show interviews Justice Brett Kavanaugh and Senator Diane Feinstein Melania’s Heart Sinks After Realizing Husband Uses Pet Name ‘Horseface’ For Every Woman He Fucks The 6 Stages of Repressing Your Anger Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies 8 People On Social Media Who Should Be Considered Criminals State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms Clash of the Corn Cuties | Fantasy High Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity Paul Allen To Leave $10,000 To Everyone Who Shares This Post ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 16, 2018 Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less Of A “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” And More Of A “Depression Meal At Walmart” Mars Rover Finds Newspaper Warning Of Dire Effects Of Climate Change The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 15, 2018 Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options What Elementary School Was Like in Each Decade Elizabeth Warren Disappointed After DNA Test Shows Zero Trace Of Presidential Material

Fake News

How to Sell Your Smoky Beanie Baby Collection, According to My Aunt Connie, A Non-Smoker



  1. Research. Look on eBay and niche-specific collector sites to gauge how much each Beanie Baby is worth and which site typically elicits the best bids.
  2. A sophisticated Beanie Baby buyer will pay more for a Beanie Baby in mint condition. The key factor in determining mint condition is whether your Beanie Baby smells like cigarette smoke. If your Beanie Baby does not smell like cigarette smoke, then go to step 17. If it does, continue to step 3.
  3. Determine which of your Beanie Babies have been smoking cigarettes.
  4. Photograph the Beanie Babies that smoke. Take those photographs to the Wawa at the end of your street and tell the cashiers to stop selling cigarettes to those Beanie Babies.
  5. Ask your primary care physician for Chantix prescriptions for the smoking Beanie Babies.
  6. Cut the Chantix pills in half and then in half again to make them suitable for consumption by your Beanie Babies.
  7. Get Nicoderm CQ patches for Patti the Platypus, Splash the Killer Whale, Legs the Frog, Flash the Dolphin, Mystic the Unicorn, Spot the Dog, Millennium the Commemorative Y2K Bear, Peanut the Elephant, Pinchers, Squealer the Pig, Peanut the Elephant, Garcia the Tie-dyed Peace Bear, Chocolate the Moose, Digger the Crab, Richie the Beaver, Tusk the Walrus, Nana the Monkey, and Humphrey the Camel, since Chantix typically makes these Beanie Babies nauseous.
  8. Buy over-the-counter Nicorette Gum for Inky the Octopus, Ally the Alligator, Jabber the Parrot, Kicks the Soccer Bear, Steg the Stegosaurus, Twirly the Monkey, Bandit the Raccoon, Princess Diana Commemorative Bear, Claude the Tie-Dyed Crab, Baldy the Eagle, Daisy the Cow, Hoot the Owl, Cheddar the Mouse, Tusk the Walrus, Liberty the Flag Bear, Bumble the Bee, Derby the Horse, Lefty the Donkey, Flutter the Butterfly and Chilly the Polar Bear because Chantix made them constipated and the Nicoderm CQ patch would damage their luxurious fur.
  9. Move all the Beanie Babies to your other curio cabinet while you clean all the smoke and residue out of the curio cabinet in which you had previously housed all your Beanie Babies. This will require lots of glass cleaner and lots of elbow grease. Clean out all the empty cigarette pack wrappers, discarded lighters, and cigarette butts from the cabinet.
  10. Donate the Beanie Babies with burn marks in their fur from carelessly discarded butts to the church rummage sale. (In Aunt Connie’s case, this meant donating Lizzy the Lizard, Hopsy the Bunny, Freezie the Penguin, Stilts the Stork, Peking the Panda, Slither the Snake, Steg the Stegosaurus, Sting the Stingray, Trap the Mouse, Tank the Armadillo, Spinner the Spider, Topper the Giraffe, Nutty the Squirrel, Lucky the Ladybug, Erin the Green Bear, Nip the Cat, Quacker the Duck, Flash the Dolphin, and Nibbles the Bunny)
  11. Spray Febreze on all the remaining Beanie Babies.
  12. Hide your purse after Pinchers the Lobster tells you that to buy all the cigarettes, Squirmy the Worm, Toot Toot the Elephant, Neon the Seahorse, Crunch the Shark, and Happy the Hippo typically crawl out of the curio cabinet to steal money from your wallet.
  13. Go to the Blue Moon Tavern with your friend Denise to relax and have a few cold ones to forget about having to postpone retirement.
  14. Go back to Wawa to demand they cease selling cigarettes to your Beanie Babies after you come home from hanging out with Denise and catch Splash the Killer Whale in the driveway with a Wawa bag filled with two packs of Parliament Lights, two packs of Virginia Slims, three packs of Newport Lights, and a carton of Pall Malls.
  15. Donate those Beanie Babies who get Nicorette Gum stuck in their luxurious fur to the church rummage sale. (In my Aunt Connie’s case, this included Baldy the Eagle, Daisy the Cow, Hoot the Owl, Cheddar the Mouse, Tusk the Walrus, Liberty the Flag Bear, Bumble the Bee and Chilly the Polar Bear)
  16. Get a padlock for your curio cabinet.
  17. Photograph each Beanie Baby and list it online. Be sure to include a close-up of the tag, which is very important to sophisticated Beanie Baby buyers. You will not be able to include the phrase, “These Beanie Babies come from a smoke-free home.”
  18. Answer questions from interested buyers. At the end of each auction, ship your Beanie Baby to the winning buyer.



Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish