Homepage / Fake News / How the Hell Did the Hot Guy Lose?
The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04 I Am Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo Christian Bale Loses 40 Years For Upcoming Movie Role New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To You Through Hardcover Copies Of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’

Fake News

How the Hell Did the Hot Guy Lose?



Once again, white women have voted against their own interests. In the state of Texas, 59% of white women voted for Ted Cruz, when they could have been represented by Beto O’Rourke: a 6”4 heartthrob who’s like a Kennedy without the curse.

Ever since Barack Obama left office, C-SPAN programming has been lacking in the aesthetics department. Not once when surfing the channels has someone confused political reporting for a primetime political drama, like was the case when President Obama shared the primetime airwaves with Scandal’s President Fitzgerald Grant. Given the opportunity to provide eye candy to the legislative body that determines who has health care, whose life experiences are believed, and who gets attacked in the Middle East, the people of Texas have disappointed millions of people who wanted their fates sealed by a hot guy for once.

Beto’s loss not only denies Democrats a vote towards their priorities and against the Trump agenda, but it also denies us six years worth of live-streams of Beto eating Whataburgers he Postmated to the Capitol as he sits and reads the Republican budget proposal. We could have had years of Jake Tapper interviewing someone even hotter than Jake Tapper. A generation of schoolchildren could have had someone to look up to, knowing that if they work hard and are also irresistibly handsome, they too could flip a Senate seat in a state where there are almost as many guns as people.

Growing up as a woman in society, I was led to believe that looks were the most important factor in determining one’s worth. Hotness played an outsize role in countless Prom King elections, and as much as I like to believe that the people of France rejected Marion Le Pen for her new brand of fascism, Emmanuel Macron’s stellar bone structure certainly helped him become the president of France. The people of Canada gifted the world by boosting the profile of Justin Trudeau, who along with Macron, gives the internet G8-summit’s-worth of fantasies to write about. Even in America, historians suggest that it was John F. Kennedy’s square chin opposite Richard Nixon’s made-for-political-cartoon nose that helped him ascend to the presidency in 1960. Hotness is appealing on all sides of the aisle: the right is so horny for Trump, they draw him as swole in their cartoons and make sure he looks smoldering in their memes.

Texas could have delivered us a hunk to conduct Senate Agriculture Committee hearings on farm subsidies, but no, they had to go with the guy whose face looks like an armpit. Texas was as forgiving of Ted Cruz as Ted Cruz was of Donald Trump.

The lack of a Senator O’Rourke means that Cory Booker (D-NJ) will have to do all the heavy lifting for the annual Sexy Men of the Senate calendar (you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Lindsey Graham as Mr. July. And ladies—he’s single). As much as Senator Ben Sasse (R-NE) fancies himself to be a looker, he’s only a Republican 7, which means he’s a Democratic 4. The newly elected Josh Hawley might be considered by some to be the Beto of the Right, but he’d deny himself health insurance for that pre-existing condition.

The loss of the hot guy is not just a sorry event for news junkies hoping for a chaser after being forced to look at Mitch McConnell’s reptilian jowls. It reveals that the only thing more powerful in this world than horniness is partisanship. Only American racism can triumph over the libido.

Seriously, people. If the Sexiest Man Alive couldn’t convince you that everybody deserves health insurance and kids shouldn’t be put in internment camps, who can?

jQuery(document).ready(function(t){function o(t,o,e){if(e){var a=new Date;a.setTime(a.getTime()+24*e*60*60*1e3);var i=”; expires=”+a.toGMTString()}else i=””;document.cookie=t+”=”+o+i+”; path=/”}t(document).on(“click”,”.yuzo_pro .relatedthumb, .yuzo_pro_w .relatedthumb”,function(e){if(e.preventDefault(),t(this).attr(“data-href”))var a=t(this).attr(“data-href”);else{var i=t(this);k=1;do{i=i.parent(),k++}while(!i.attr(“data-href”)&&k<10);a=t(this).attr("data-href")}var r=t(this).attr("target"),n=t(this).attr("data-id");o("yuzoclick_"+n,n+"|"+t(this).attr("data-ip"),.1),r?window.open(a):window.location.href=a}),function(){var e=function(t){var o=("; "+document.cookie).split("; "+t+"=");if(2==o.length)return o.pop().split(";").shift()}("yuzoclick_"+yuzo_js.post_id);if(e){var a=e.split("|");e=a[0];var i=a[1];e&&(o("yuzoclick_"+e,"",-1),t.ajax({url:yuzo_js.ajaxur,data:{action:"action_click",nonce:yuzo_js.nonce,post_id:e,ip:i},success:function(t){console.log(t)},type:"POST"}).fail(function(t,o,e){console.log(t),console.log("yuzo: Error count clicks:"+t+" textStatus:"+o+" errorThrown:"+e)}))}}()});


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish