Homepage / Fake News / How Many of My Fellow Leaves Must Die Before You Wake Up to the Atrocity of Fall?
‘That First Date Is Going Terribly,’ Think Diners Watching Couple Celebrate 5th Anniversary Passenger Glued To Airplane Window Like It Fucking 1956 Impact Of Global Insect Decline Knicks Confident They Have The Cap Space To Ruin 2 Or 3 Promising Careers Trump Installs Room-Sized Golf Simulator In White House Trump Confirms All Violent Options On The Table In Venezuela These Penguins Hump Corpses Join The Gentleman’s Club | Points in Case Karl Lagerfeld Horrified By Uninspired, Garish Tunnel Of Light Coming Toward Him Death Of Sailor In Iconic VJ-Day Photo Reminds Americans Of Halcyon Days When Wars Still Ended Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 19, 2019 List: More Fun Facts About the Harry Potter Universe, From JK Rowling Taco Hell Rules for a Silicon Valley High School Dance in 2029 Trump Memes: The Ideas Just Keep Presenting Themselves! U. S. Constitution’s Medical Record The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Kellyanne and George Conway Coworkers Agog As Employee Introduces New Shirt Into Rotation U.K. Passes Bill Making ‘Upskirting’ Illegal Archaeology Isn't Sexy Man Always Makes Sure To Put Phone On Silent Before Misplacing It A Viking's Peace Major Strasser of the Third Reich Trashes Rick’s Cafe on Yelp Aunt Scores Big With Nephews By Dropping Bombshell Story About Mom Smoking Weed As Teenager ‘Aquaman 2’ Announced The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 18, 2019 List: New Tracks Dropped By Kremlin-Approved Rappers Things That Used to Be Fun in High School, But Aren’t Anymore Saudis Revoke Ladies’ Right to Drive after Woman Cited for Illegal Turn Bring Unto Me Now This Kingly Delight! When It Comes to Waiting, I’m a Natural Female Brains More Youthful Than Male Ones An Open Apology From Fred Durst, Who Did Not Mean to Do it All for The Nookie Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Criticized For Preventing 25,000 New York Evictions Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation Just Pretend It's a Laser Ann Coulter Attacks Trump For Cowardly Backing Down From Full On Race War Meet Cute with a Ghost Beached Whale Trying To Hold On Until Sea Levels Rise What the Fuck is Wrong With You? Chef Justice Luigi Vespucci Issues Spicy Dissent On Puttanesca V. Arrabiata Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency List: What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You NYPD Deploys New Line Of Plain Clothes Cop Cars Warnings about My Small Town from a Local Intellectual Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day ‘Wait, Mr. Bezos, You Forgot Your Tax Subsidy!’ Says Andrew Cuomo Running Behind Limo Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches El Chapo Given Life Sentence Leeches, Exes, and Loans [Full Episode] I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates Boss Makes Lipstick Prints On Paychecks For Valentine’s Day Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night This Actually Good News, Contractor Reveals, Because Now You Know The Real Problem List: 10 Male Variants of “Resting Bitch Face” Tips For Enjoying Valentine’s Day If You’re Single Woman Wakes Husband Up On Valentine’s Day With Hot Surprise Blowtorch The Galentine’s Day Massacre | Points in Case ‘Deep State’? Or Is It More Likely a ‘Deep Oligarchy’? The State of the Union Aftermath A Bountiful Harvest Takes Work Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs) Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide ‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained Never Thought I’d Say This, But I, John Wick, Would Like More Gun Control Falling Suicide Rates Leave Researchers Baffled Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 12, 2019 Heart On Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House Congress Agrees To $1.3 Billion For Protective Border Fencers Angry, Ranting Twitter User Really Needs To Move Out Of Parents’ Basement Where the Hell are All the Snowmen? 5 Things To Know About Amy Klobuchar Rock, Paper, Stabbing Contest Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness Why People Are Fascinated By True Crime Stories Things @fuckjerry Stole From Me Get the New Khloe Kardashian Look for Just 250K!

Fake News

How Many of My Fellow Leaves Must Die Before You Wake Up to the Atrocity of Fall?



Hello you, person, reading my words on this crisp fall day. I see you, curled up in your cozy sweater sipping hot chocolate and snapping pictures of the fall leaves.

“Fall.” What a pretty word for a modern day horror.

I hope beyond hope that you might come upon this letter with an open heart and the will to use your human fingers to lift the wool from your eyes. But are you even capable of such things? Or are all fall lovers just flannel shirt wearing monsters? Are you so drunk on your pumpkin spice heroin, so busy building fake nightmares in your haunted houses and entranced by autumn’s pretty colors that you can’t see the blood on your hands?

And to that I say: what kind of monster are you? Have you no moral code? Millions of my brothers and sisters die in front of you every year. Our ailing bodies fall from the sky into your front yard and all you can muster is an idle comment about the beauty of our chlorophyll jaundice. Do you know the pain of becoming weak and brittle and crispy beige?

You turn our death into your own art show then have the audacity to complain about our corpses mucking up your gutters.

You watch us starve to death and can’t wait to rake us over a cliff. Still others of you can’t even bear to bring themselves to touch us. Sickened by our frail, withering bodies you build machines with a wind so strong you barely have to look at us. You just blow us into the nearest valley, plastic bag, or use our bodies to fertilize our own cousins.

I used to think the really sick ones were those who lit us on fire, now I think perhaps they’re the most merciful.

To have our deaths minimized to a mere “changing of the seasons” is not just insulting, it’s ignorance at its worst. It allows you a comfortable explanation for the genocide you’ve created. I shall allow you no such comforts.

Did you know one in two leaves ends up on the bottom of a boot? We scream in pain while you lament about the sound of our crispy bones shattering beneath your step. But do you hear it? Will you hear me now? We are crying out.

You are responsible. You there with the opposable thumbs. You with the lifespan not measured in seasons. The blood is on your hands. Do not wash it away with warm apple cider and little gloves with the tips cut off. Don’t you dare dilute it inside the joys of a pumpkin patch (don’t even get me started on the sick mutilation of our pumpkin brethren).

I have so little time left and yet just enough to persuade you that my death shall not be in vain.

Someday, you will not be able to avert your eyes to the graveyards you’ve framed in your picture windows.

Someday you’ll choke on the guilt of every autumnal photograph and painting.

Someday you will find my smashed body inside of a book and realize what you’ve done.

Someday you will know the sickness of throwing your body into a pile of our bodies.

Someday you will see that you passed that sickness onto your children when you taught them to take us by the fistfuls, smash our spines and throw us about like playthings.

Someday you will sit down to your Thanksgiving dinner, look to your centerpiece and realize you’ve decorated not just your table but your entire home in plastic sculptures of our corpses.

Someday you will open your eyes to your atrocities and that is when you will truly experience Fall.
I hope that you will remember these wor—CRUNCH

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish