Homepage / Fake News / How I Became an Instagram Influencer after the Zombie Apocalypse
Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall) The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2019 Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him 5 Things To Know About The Orchids Of Asia Day Spa Controversy Choni Francis on Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter I'm Comfortable, Not Soft My Week as an Assistant to Andy Warhol During the “Oxidation” Series

Fake News

How I Became an Instagram Influencer after the Zombie Apocalypse

Before the end of the world, I was just one of 800 million Instagramers posting pics of food, my dog, ubiquitous selfies, and landscapes with inspiring sentences pulled from a Google search of inspiring quotes. I had 124 followers, mostly family and friends and generic accounts offering to get me 5k followers, but after that first photo went viral, I went viral (#undeadpuns). I’ll spare you the details but trust me it was horrible—I lived through it only to be eaten, then reanimated shortly thereafter. Half of my face is gone as proof (#zombieface), along with at least 23 gunshot wounds. Aim for the head, lol (#2A, #NoHeadShot, #youmissed)!

Turning into a zombie, however, was actually the beginning of my social media fame and, I dare say, a new career path.

After reanimating I quickly found my first victim, chased them relentlessly, and dragged them to the ground. During our struggle, my cell phone, which I’d been holding onto before, during and after I turned, fell out of my hand. Seeing it, an entirely human thought shot through the haze undead bloodlust (you can hashtag that: #undeadbloodlust!): Fuck me, I should Instagram this! Muscle memory took over and clumsy dead fingers deftly set the camera to a three-second delay, photo burst, as I took a bite out of my first screaming victim!

Reviewing the pictures, though, I knew I had some winners (#screamforthecamera #firstkill).

At first, only living people were liking and sharing my photos, mostly out shock and horror. They felt triggered and thought it was some sicko going for one last epic troll but then, out of nowhere, an epidemic of zombies started posting from their former accounts, too!

After that, there was no end to the outrage coming from the living (#zombielivesmatter). They called my account an abomination and started throwing bible verses at me. One follower screamed in all caps: “MAY THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPEL YOU TO DIE AND RETURN TO HELL, DEMON??!” To which I responded, quite good-naturedly, “LOL BUDDY! I’m already dead??.”

Others warned me that if they ever caught me, they’d blow my brains out, but I just posted an old photo collage of all my festering gunshot wounds, along with a big rotten smile on my intact head (#TBT #zombieface #zombietroll).

That post went viral, too—inspiring all types of conversations about online abuse between the living and the dead. Dead or alive, dialogue matters.

Honestly, rediscovering Instagram after dying and reanimating as the insatiable undead has really put me in touch with my humanity again. People see that my photos really grapple with a fundamental reality of life and death (#buildingbridgestotheafterlife). And, as the pioneer of #theundeadofinstagram, now #verified, I really feel that I’ve touched lives on both sides (#diversity #allinclusive).

The great thing about this movement, however, is that it isn’t just about one zombie changing the social media landscape forever. All zombies, and their participating living victims, can totally take part by using my most popular hashtags. Who knows, with these hashtags you might go viral, too!

#dinnertime: High-quality shots of brains and intestines get the most likes. Brains are so cliché they’re ironic and the latter is, like, good-natured trolling because it’s so horrifying for the living to think about.

#thechase: No successful Instagram feed is complete without vines, videos, and boomerangs. Action really draws viewers in, especially when you can capture the visceral fear of the living as they run for their lives!

#thesneakattack: Not easy to pull off considering the uncontrolled moaning, gurgling, and growling zombies are prone to, but successfully stalking your living prey and surprising them makes for good posts. I mean the looks on their faces (#yourtimesup #nofilter #zombielife)!

#groupphoto: Zombies do spend a lot of their time milling about freeways, parking lots, and roaming around creepy forests shrouded in mist; it’s the best time to get that group photo with all your undead buds.

#selfiewiththeliving: I mean, it’s pretty self-explanatory. The trick, though, is holding them still for a picture and keeping your hungry friends at-bay long enough to get that perfect selfie with your new meal. Capturing the juxtaposition of ravenous smiling undead faces and petrified living ones is true art.

#dinnerwithfriends: There’s nothing zombies love to do more than herd together and mindlessly follow the living until we catch them. I mean, we were obsessed with foody photos when alive—why not keep a good thing going (#rawmeat)!

The idea is to play around with it, see what works—like we all did when we were alive. Even undead folks enjoy posting pictures and getting likes. It seems that transitioning from living to undeath can’t kill our unmitigated need for attention. Next to chasing down living flesh and eating it, zombies favorite thing still be posing for the ‘gram (#yolounlessyoureazombie)!

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.