Homepage / Fake News / How Can We Be Expected to Fear the Grinch if He’s Never Even Taken a Man’s Life: An Editor’s Note to Dr. Seuss
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How Can We Be Expected to Fear the Grinch if He’s Never Even Taken a Man’s Life: An Editor’s Note to Dr. Seuss

Dr. Seuss,

I just finished reading the latest draft. This Grinch guy is quite the character! Let’s start with things I liked. Number one: Dude is strong as hell. I thought it was cool when he lifted that sleigh. It reminded me of a family barbecue I attended where my uncle got so mad at us because we were making fun of his sandals that he lifted the deck off the ground and everyone fell off.

I also liked that we never see The Grinch drink any liquid. It’s rather unnerving; every page, I looked at this monstrosity and thought, “What is this wretched creature, and why doesn’t it thirst?”

Now onto the things I would like to see improved. Number one is that I didn’t fear The Grinch. He was pitiful and disgusting, sure, but was I ever quaking in my boots? Not once. What does he do that’s so scary? Steal some presents? I don’t think that’s particularly scary, nor do I even think it’s necessarily morally wrong. Just last year, I did the very same thing to my ex-wife and her new husband so that Christmas would be ruined for them and their kids.

That is why The Grinch has to kill a man and feel no remorse. You may fight me on this one, but I think it is imperative. Why would anyone fear him if he poses no real threat to their safety? Maybe the man who gets murdered is blackmailing The Grinch because The Grinch has a secret family, and the man is threatening to tell The Grinch’s wife, even though The Grinch is a well-respected children’s book editor. The Grinch could commit this murder with the knife we see him wield when he carves the roast beast at the end of the story. Nobody just carves a roast beast like that. Not without training. This guy has combat skills. Probably ex-marine gone rogue. Let’s see him in action.

And am I to believe he is able to just make a Santa suit when at no point in the story do we see him take a tailoring class? I know this is for kids, but come on, Seuss, that’s a little unbelievable, don’t you think?

I am also worried about The Grinch’s marketability. What’s his thing? What makes him tick? It seems like you didn’t really think that through. Luckily, I have a suggestion. The dude lives on a mountain, right? Well, why doesn’t he snowboard down it all the time and shout, “Cowabunga, bitches!” As it stands now, it seems like The Grinch’s claim to fame is only that he hates Christmas. Which is fine, I just don’t get how you plan to merchandise that. I guess you could have him on T-shirts or lunch boxes giving a thumbs down to a Christmas tree, or maybe even have a really sexy Mrs. Claus saying, “Hey big boy, I hope you brought the mistletoe.” (And then he would have a look on his face that’s like, “Thanks, but no thanks!” which would convey that this guy really hates Christmas, the whole Christmas season). But I think having him give the hang loose sign while shredding fresh powder is the best route to go down.

The Grinch’s design also leaves something to be desired. Yeah, he’s got a nice big booty, but the rest of him? He’s a New York 4 and an LA 2, at best. He should be jacked. Big thick arms, pectoral muscles that are just barely contained by a tight black T-shirt, and a neck as thick as a tree stump. This also gives him a better motivation for hating Christmas than “no one quite knows the reason.” He’s got this rocking hot bod, but during this cold time of year, he can’t show it off. That’s something that would bring a tear to my eye. No offense, but what you have just doesn’t achieve any pathos whatsoever.

Then there’s the Cindy Lou Who problem. I found myself wondering, “Cindy Lou Who Cares?” How about if instead of being “no more than two,” she is a college student who has just returned home from a semester in France where she had something of a boudoir awakening? She could be looking to test out her new skills on The Grinch, if you catch my drift.

However, the conflict comes because he’s taken a vow of chastity, which he has promised not to break until he has rid the Earth of Santa Claus. Then the two of them must go to the North Pole so they can murder Saint Nick. That could really liven things up and would be more interesting than this “steal Christmas” plot that, to be honest, goes nowhere. (I mean he returns all the presents at the end, so what was the point?)

But overall, really really really great stuff. I think we have the kernel of it, now it’s just time to heat it up and turn it into popcorn.

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.

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