Homepage / Fake News / How Can We Be Expected to Fear the Grinch if He’s Never Even Taken a Man’s Life: An Editor’s Note to Dr. Seuss
This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference Government Shutdowns By The Numbers FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee 2005 Minnesota Vikings (with Rob O'Connor) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over A Computer Co-Wrote this Sketch Christmas Really Over, Man Realizes As iPhone Game Switches Out Holiday Icon R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over List: Chuck Norris Would Like to Revisit His Facts Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs Tips To Become a Better Job Hunter & Gatherer I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass White Nationalists Accuse Google of Anti-Nazi Bias When He Doesn't Get the Hint [Full Episode] The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up Let Me and the 10 Demons That Possess Me Host the Oscars Locker Rooms Bilbo Gets Trolled The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘I’ve Never Had Sex’ Interview Pt 2 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instant Pot Recipes for Angering Everyone The Humor Times Needs Your Help! The Trump Family Intervention – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley and Former Senator Orrin Hatch A Day in the Life of Timothée Chalamet’s Stylist Oh No, Did We Hurt Brennan's Feelings? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits: ‘I’ve Never Had Real Sex!’ | You make the news…We report it! List: Official Ranking of Every Hollywood “Chris” Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class This Amazing New Anti-Bullying Campaign Reminds Kids That Even Though Bullying Might Be Fun, Rewarding, And Cool, It Can Sometimes Make You Tired List: What to Expect With Your First 18-Year-Old War I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason Fantasy High Binge Compilation (Episodes 1 – 8) I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast TSA Guy Circling Stuff On Boarding Pass With Reckless Abandon Advisory Group : “Being Speaker of the House Doesn’t Mean You Always Have to Have Your Mouth Open” Feeling Smart is the New Smart I’m Concerned My Cult Isn’t Sacrificing Enough Virgins Creating Rounded Characters (with Lou Wilson) You've NEVER Seen Star Wars?! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Enemy Rita Repulsa Is Her Mother CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks The Monster Under My Bed Is Addicted to His iPhone Study: Most Teens Who Respond to Acne Treatment Still Ugly After Xmas Gift Wish List Where Is AI Driving Us? The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules on What Can & Cannot Be Humped Science and History Get Weird in WHAT THE F 101 [Official Trailer] Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 8, 2019 Tumbleweed Of Pubes Rolls Through Desolate Dorm Bathroom President Ends Shutdown After Disruption To Nation's Cheeseburger Supply Line Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job! This Turkey is a Total TILF The State Nicknames Convention | Points in Case You Don't Actually Need a Menu It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It How My Wife Improved Robert Frost’s Most Famous Poem An Amazon Warehouse Worker’s Year-In-Review Analytics Lin Manuel Miranda Said He’d Kill My Family If I Didn’t Inspire You This Morning Instructions for the True Crime Podcast Producers Investigating My Unsolved Murder A Planet Full of Appetizers The Body Isn’t a Wonderland: Some Suggestions to Improve Pregnancy My Resolutions for You in 2019 8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Play God (That Aren’t Some Bullshit About Morality) Don't Bother Fixing Your Problems Happy New Year! Get Your Shit Together and Buy a Planner Mitt Romney: The President of the United States Has the Responsibility to At Least Pretend to Be a Good Person Dow Jones Slips into ‘Rape and Pillage’ Market List: Less-Subtle Pre-Filled Opt-Out Insults Fantasy High Cast Reflects on Season One The Pros and Cons of Owning Different Pets A Few Quick Notes About Your Son’s “Tree #2” Role in His 6th Grade Play, From Me, The Lead’s Mother List: 10 Ways to Make Grandma’s Physician-Assisted Suicide Family Get-Together More Fun Writing a Public Apology? Clappy is Here to Help! Your New Year's Resolutions Never Change Getting My Just Desserts: Diet Myths Debunked DIY Democracy – Jim Hightower, Humor Times NBC Aires Chrissy Teigen’s Steamed Vagina Health Tips Live During New Years Eve Telecast

Fake News

How Can We Be Expected to Fear the Grinch if He’s Never Even Taken a Man’s Life: An Editor’s Note to Dr. Seuss

Dr. Seuss,

I just finished reading the latest draft. This Grinch guy is quite the character! Let’s start with things I liked. Number one: Dude is strong as hell. I thought it was cool when he lifted that sleigh. It reminded me of a family barbecue I attended where my uncle got so mad at us because we were making fun of his sandals that he lifted the deck off the ground and everyone fell off.

I also liked that we never see The Grinch drink any liquid. It’s rather unnerving; every page, I looked at this monstrosity and thought, “What is this wretched creature, and why doesn’t it thirst?”

Now onto the things I would like to see improved. Number one is that I didn’t fear The Grinch. He was pitiful and disgusting, sure, but was I ever quaking in my boots? Not once. What does he do that’s so scary? Steal some presents? I don’t think that’s particularly scary, nor do I even think it’s necessarily morally wrong. Just last year, I did the very same thing to my ex-wife and her new husband so that Christmas would be ruined for them and their kids.

That is why The Grinch has to kill a man and feel no remorse. You may fight me on this one, but I think it is imperative. Why would anyone fear him if he poses no real threat to their safety? Maybe the man who gets murdered is blackmailing The Grinch because The Grinch has a secret family, and the man is threatening to tell The Grinch’s wife, even though The Grinch is a well-respected children’s book editor. The Grinch could commit this murder with the knife we see him wield when he carves the roast beast at the end of the story. Nobody just carves a roast beast like that. Not without training. This guy has combat skills. Probably ex-marine gone rogue. Let’s see him in action.

And am I to believe he is able to just make a Santa suit when at no point in the story do we see him take a tailoring class? I know this is for kids, but come on, Seuss, that’s a little unbelievable, don’t you think?

I am also worried about The Grinch’s marketability. What’s his thing? What makes him tick? It seems like you didn’t really think that through. Luckily, I have a suggestion. The dude lives on a mountain, right? Well, why doesn’t he snowboard down it all the time and shout, “Cowabunga, bitches!” As it stands now, it seems like The Grinch’s claim to fame is only that he hates Christmas. Which is fine, I just don’t get how you plan to merchandise that. I guess you could have him on T-shirts or lunch boxes giving a thumbs down to a Christmas tree, or maybe even have a really sexy Mrs. Claus saying, “Hey big boy, I hope you brought the mistletoe.” (And then he would have a look on his face that’s like, “Thanks, but no thanks!” which would convey that this guy really hates Christmas, the whole Christmas season). But I think having him give the hang loose sign while shredding fresh powder is the best route to go down.

The Grinch’s design also leaves something to be desired. Yeah, he’s got a nice big booty, but the rest of him? He’s a New York 4 and an LA 2, at best. He should be jacked. Big thick arms, pectoral muscles that are just barely contained by a tight black T-shirt, and a neck as thick as a tree stump. This also gives him a better motivation for hating Christmas than “no one quite knows the reason.” He’s got this rocking hot bod, but during this cold time of year, he can’t show it off. That’s something that would bring a tear to my eye. No offense, but what you have just doesn’t achieve any pathos whatsoever.

Then there’s the Cindy Lou Who problem. I found myself wondering, “Cindy Lou Who Cares?” How about if instead of being “no more than two,” she is a college student who has just returned home from a semester in France where she had something of a boudoir awakening? She could be looking to test out her new skills on The Grinch, if you catch my drift.

However, the conflict comes because he’s taken a vow of chastity, which he has promised not to break until he has rid the Earth of Santa Claus. Then the two of them must go to the North Pole so they can murder Saint Nick. That could really liven things up and would be more interesting than this “steal Christmas” plot that, to be honest, goes nowhere. (I mean he returns all the presents at the end, so what was the point?)

But overall, really really really great stuff. I think we have the kernel of it, now it’s just time to heat it up and turn it into popcorn.

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.