Homepage / Fake News / Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019
Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04 I Am Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo Christian Bale Loses 40 Years For Upcoming Movie Role New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To You Through Hardcover Copies Of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’ Mueller Report To Be Released Next Week, AG Says William Barr Agrees To Release Nonverbal, Abstract Visual Representation Of Mueller Report William Barr Agrees To Release Nonverbal, Abstract Visual Representation Of Mueller Report Media Condemns Julian Assange For Reckless Exposure Of How They Could Be Spending Their Time Experts Warn Prosecuting Assange Creates Slippery Slope To Where We Already Are Nation Admits They Only Care About Freedom Of Speech For Imparting Information About ‘Star Wars’ Shit Lockheed Martin Executive Fondly Recalls Humble Beginning Dealing Arms Out Of Back Of Chrysler LeBaron Kid About To Meet Brooklyn Nets Must Not Be Very Sick Duke Anthropology Professor Devastated To Learn Promising Student Dropping Out Benefits Of Open Office Not Extended To CEO Frustrated Writer Tosses Another Crumpled-Up Laptop In Trash Can Grindr Profile Picture Day My Wife and I Are Child-Free, Todd Judge Sentences Lori Loughlin To 100 Hours Of Community Theater 5 Things To Know About BTS Plant-Based Meat Vs. Lab-Grown Meat Bigheaded People Want the Medical Recognition They Deserve Missing Boy Returns 8 Years Later as Black Woman NRA Criticizes Video Game Makers For Downplaying Portrayal Of Euphoric Rush Felt Watching Light Leave Enemy’s Eyes Astronomer Apologizes For Leaving Cherry Lifesaver On Telescope Lens Burger King Releases Meatless ‘Impossible Whopper’ 5 Biggest Unanswered Questions For ‘Game Of Thrones’ Final Season Cackling Julian Assange Disintegrates Into Lines Of Code As Baffled Authorities Attempt To Handcuff Him Tangled, Pulsing Mass Of Visors, Polos, And Khaki Shorts Lurches Over Hill To Next Masters Hole Ecuadorian Embassy Runs Ad Seeking ‘No Drama’ Tenant For Newly Vacant Room Playing Monopoly for Real – Jim Hightower, Humor Times First Image Of Black Hole Released Lightning Bolt Blasts Washington Monument As Mike Pence, Pete Buttigieg Locked In Battle Of Prayers On National Mall Rob Gronkowski Informs Patriots He’s Considering Retirement What Is the Worst Spell a Witch Could Curse You With? The Mayor of New York City Should Be an Actual Train Bird Reflects On Frailty, Impermanence Of Life After Finding Dead Human On Sidewalk Mario Batali Reduced To Selling Bowl Of Ravioli On Craigslist Lonzo Ball Chooses CAA To Represent Him As Father List: Ways You Can Screw Up Your Son I Starred as “Greg” in a Corporate Sexual Harassment Training Video and It Ruined My Life

Fake News

Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019

What’s your sign? Check out your Funny Horoscope April 2019, and the outlook for all those jerks you know — right here!

What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope April 2019. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them, too! (Check out past funny horoscopes here.) 

 
Zodiac_01-Aries, Funny Horoscope April 2019 Aries: Happy Birthday Rams! Cosmic forces predict things will not suck ass for approximately three days after your birthday.
Zodiac_02-Taurus, Funny Horoscope April 2019 Taurus: If you’re one of those Bulls who’ve discovered your artistic talents are limited to home crafts, go ahead & shine with those glittery Easter eggs.
Zodiac_03-Gemini, Funny Horoscope April 2019 Gemini:  Just like astro Twins, this is a time where no one is sure which side is dominant: Jesus or the Easter Bunny.
Zodiac_04-Cancer Cancer: Pastels, chocolates, and baskets oh my! Nurture all nature’s creatures like they’re the cutest little pot belly bunnies ever, unless it’s a drunk plumber or Nancy Pelosi.
Zodiac_05-Leo" Leo: As much as you’re loving the warm weather, keep in mind that no one really wants to see you in an outfit that looks like a disco club threw-up in Walmart.
Zodiac_06-Virgo" Virgo: If you find yourself analyzing the density and flexibility of toothbrush bristles over time, shift your analysis to the side effects of toxic fluoride in toothpaste.
Zodiac_07-Libra" Libra: Is it hot or is it cold? Is Trump a devil or a lost soul? Neither. It’s Spring chaos, and the polls show incumbents always win.
Zodiac_08-Scorpio Scorpio: Your sex drive is up. Your trust levels are down. You might, however, find an odd balance eating lots of sushi and having sex with the same partner in public places.
Zodiac_09-Sag Sagittarius: Your higher mind will be quite activated this month. That doesn’t mean you should try to convert your friends and family to a new ism.
Zodiac_10-Cap Capricorn: Warm weather and growth is only your friend when you truly get in-tune with the incredibly weird ass sounds goats make.
Zodiac_11-Aquarius Aquarius: When Water Pitchers fall in love, they spill all over their lovers, until they become part of the depraved pool of humanity, just like a large non-profit organization.
Zodiac_12-Pisces Pisces:  It’s okay to enjoy Cadbury eggs. The creamy filling is a metaphor for the true meaning in life.

zodiac, horoscope April 2019, signs

zodiac, horoscope April 2019, signs
Mosaic pavement of a 6th century synagogue at Beth Alpha, Jezreel Valley, northern Israel. It was discovered in 1928. Signs of the zodiac surround the central chariot of the Sun (a Greek motif), while the corners depict the 4 “turning points” (“tekufot”) of the year, solstices and equinoxes, each named for the month in which it occurs. Enjoy this Funny Horoscope April 2019, and please share!

 

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Jennifer Hollie Bowles is a writer and small business owner. She has been studying Astrology for about twenty years, but she finds limiting it to sun signs quite humorous.


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