What’s your sign? Check out your Funny Horoscope April 2019, and the outlook for all those jerks you know — right here!
What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope April 2019. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them, too! (Check out past funny horoscopes here.)
|Aries: Happy Birthday Rams! Cosmic forces predict things will not suck ass for approximately three days after your birthday.|
|Taurus: If you’re one of those Bulls who’ve discovered your artistic talents are limited to home crafts, go ahead & shine with those glittery Easter eggs.|
|Gemini: Just like astro Twins, this is a time where no one is sure which side is dominant: Jesus or the Easter Bunny.|
|Cancer: Pastels, chocolates, and baskets oh my! Nurture all nature’s creatures like they’re the cutest little pot belly bunnies ever, unless it’s a drunk plumber or Nancy Pelosi.|
|Leo: As much as you’re loving the warm weather, keep in mind that no one really wants to see you in an outfit that looks like a disco club threw-up in Walmart.|
|Virgo: If you find yourself analyzing the density and flexibility of toothbrush bristles over time, shift your analysis to the side effects of toxic fluoride in toothpaste.|
|Libra: Is it hot or is it cold? Is Trump a devil or a lost soul? Neither. It’s Spring chaos, and the polls show incumbents always win.|
|Scorpio: Your sex drive is up. Your trust levels are down. You might, however, find an odd balance eating lots of sushi and having sex with the same partner in public places.|
|Sagittarius: Your higher mind will be quite activated this month. That doesn’t mean you should try to convert your friends and family to a new ism.|
|Capricorn: Warm weather and growth is only your friend when you truly get in-tune with the incredibly weird ass sounds goats make.|
|Aquarius: When Water Pitchers fall in love, they spill all over their lovers, until they become part of the depraved pool of humanity, just like a large non-profit organization.|
|Pisces: It’s okay to enjoy Cadbury eggs. The creamy filling is a metaphor for the true meaning in life.|
Jennifer Hollie Bowles is a writer and small business owner. She has been studying Astrology for about twenty years, but she finds limiting it to sun signs quite humorous.