Homepage / Fake News / Ho, Ho, Ho! Send Me $100 Billion By Christmas Or I Will Detonate A Dirty Bomb In 5 Major Cities!
Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir

Fake News

Ho, Ho, Ho! Send Me $100 Billion By Christmas Or I Will Detonate A Dirty Bomb In 5 Major Cities!

Santa Claus

Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! My, my, it seems the Christmas season comes a bit earlier each year, doesn’t it? Yes, it certainly does. And with the hours ticking away until we make the Yuletide gay, jolly old Saint Nick has a very important message for all his boys and girls.

So, my dear children, no matter what’s on your wish list this year, gather ’round and listen close! Because unless you deliver $100 billion in unmarked bills to the North Pole before Christmas morning, I will detonate dirty bombs in five major cities across the globe!

Do you know what a dirty bomb is, my sweet little ones? It’s a scary contraption that can be easily deployed in a major population center to make all your mommies and daddies very, very sick. And even though Santa loves each and every one of you very much, if his demands are not met, he won’t hesitate to unleash holy hell on unsuspecting civilians in random locations all over the world.

Santa’s workshop hasn’t been making any dolls or train sets this year. My goodness, no! My elves have been hard at work enriching plutonium into payloads that can deliver a virtual second Chernobyl of radioactive death and destruction to any metropolitan area Santa chooses. Oh, yes, indeed. Rudolph’s nose will be glowing this holiday season, but not because it’s magic, if you catch ol’ Kris Kringle’s drift! Ho, ho, ho!

Why, all poor Santa’s asking for is a measly hundred billion smackers. ’Tis the season for giving, is it not? And the only Christmas surprises St. Nicholas wants for you are stockings full of candy canes and gumdrops, carolers singing festive songs, and a cheerful dusting of snow—not a devastating series of blasts in a city center, the screams of sickened citizens, and radioactive fallout blanketing your neighborhood.

Just imagine that! It’d be a veritable winter wonderland—a nuclear winter, that is!

Oh, I bet your mind is racing trying to guess where my explosive little presents are tucked away. Could they be hidden beneath the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree? Or stuffed inside a plump goose in the cellar of a central London restaurant? Not even the smartest mommies and daddies at the top intelligence agencies will be able to guess in time. Ticktock, ticktock! Perhaps you’re doubting the credibility of Santa’s threat? Then maybe Santa should send the code word “Prancer Midnight” to his elves and have them detonate the radiological dispersal device they’ve planted in the Shanghai airport.

Don’t think being a well-behaved little girl or boy will spare you. Cesium-137 doesn’t care if you’ve been naughty or nice—especially not the highly enriched kind my little helpers obtained from the Chechens. One lump of that in your stocking will make your holiday hearth so warm and bright it melts flesh.

Ho, ho, ho! My willingness to shed the blood of innocents is unwavering!

And do you know what else, my sweet sugar plums? If the world’s governments don’t hand over the desired sum, these dirty bombs will only be the beginning. So you better pay up, you better not cry, or your skin will slough off as you die, because Santa Claus is coming to town with a hydrogen bomb if he is not compensated in full, and before the year is out he will rain down nuclear hellfire on the world’s most densely populated locales.

Anyway, I should get going. I still have a lot of “toys” to cobble together in my workshop if I’m going to make this Christmas one the world will never forget. So God bless you, every last one of you—unless, that is, you’re one of the unfortunate souls who might taste the horrors of a nuclear holocaust. All those little ones can do is pray the grownups in charge choose to comply.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.