Homepage / Fake News / Highlights From Squanto’s Plymouth Colony Twitter Feed
Female Brains More Youthful Than Male Ones An Open Apology From Fred Durst, Who Did Not Mean to Do it All for The Nookie Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Criticized For Preventing 25,000 New York Evictions Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation Just Pretend It's a Laser Ann Coulter Attacks Trump For Cowardly Backing Down From Full On Race War Meet Cute with a Ghost Beached Whale Trying To Hold On Until Sea Levels Rise What the Fuck is Wrong With You? Chef Justice Luigi Vespucci Issues Spicy Dissent On Puttanesca V. 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Fake News

Highlights From Squanto’s Plymouth Colony Twitter Feed



This clip of @Samoset asking the newcomers for a beer is priceless. #FirstAmicableEncounter”

“Never thought anyone could get so excited about fertilizing corn with dead fish, but that was before I saw @TheRealWilliamBradford’s reaction.”

“In case you missed it, @EWinslow’s got another great piece up over @NYTimes about how corrupt and debauched @TWeston’s Mayflower repayment plan is. #cripplingdebt”

“To everyone living in England: please learn how to farm before crossing the Atlantic. #pathetic”

“What’s with all these newcomers’ children getting abducted and taken into Nauset territory? #heartbreaking #parenthood”

“Please enjoy this video I found on youtube of @GovernorCarver ravaging a muddy river eel for dinner in record time. #fatandsweet”

“@MylesStandish caught on camera yet again. Blowing a fuse yet again. Fortunately, there was no gunpowder nearby this time.”

“Now playing on the sound system @StephenHopkinsTheOrdinaryTavern: @IronMaiden’s Run to the Hills…not sure how I feel about this. #irony”

“Check out @WilliamBrewster’s epicly oblivious sermon about how he had never even seen a beaver before coming to America and how he now really loves our native ones.”

“Just wanted to let everyone know I’m fine after being taken hostage by @Corbitant. #notmysachem”

“Those turkeys have no idea what’s in store for them. #gobblegobble”

“What’s the deal with @Massasoit contradicting himself everytime he mentions me in a tweet or talks to the press?”

“This piece by @EWinslow is by far the best analysis I’ve ever seen of the deteriorating relations between the Narragansetts and the Pokanoket…so much for #HiNeighbor”

“These newcomers may not be good at farming or trading or hunting or gathering, but they sure do know how to build walls.”

“Watching @TheRealWilliamBradford eat cranberry sauce for the first time is like seeing the Tazmanian Devil tear into an unsuspecting wild rabbit.”

“My feed is totally freaking out over the upcoming harvest feast.”

“Joining @TheRealWilliamBradford to procure some #victuals down on the Cape. It’s dreary this time of year, but at least the traffic won’t suck.”

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