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Fake News

Help! There’s a Ghost in My Apartment and it Keeps Talking about the Same Three “Office” Episodes

I moved into my apartment at the start of summer and I guess the haunting started a little after that. One night I was trying to get some sleep, and the whole place was silent when I heard this noise in my closet. At first, I thought it was a rat or something but when I listened carefully, it was this small ghostly voice. My blood froze! But then I listened to what it was saying, and it was just telling me about the part in The Office where Michael Scott does CPR on the dummy. I don’t know what reaction the ghost wanted because, yeah, I’ve seen the episode I don’t need to be reminded about it. I mean it was spooky that I was being haunted but, like, yeah, I’ve seen it. It was aight.

After a while, the ghost in my apartment just couldn’t let it go. One night at around midnight I got up to get some water. Imagine my surprise when I see symbols and drawings on the fridge. My first thought was that they were demonic pagan symbols or something. But when I looked closer they were just printed-out screenshots of the cold open with the fire drill that Dwight did. And it was creepy and everything and made me feel uncomfortable but also, it came out in 2009? That’s going to be a whole-ass ten years ago come February. I can understand when ghosts get caught up on being murdered or something but damn, why does this ghost like that episode so much. Did it kill him?

Things only got worse after that. I came home one day from work and the ghost had bought a screen print of the Wayne Gretzky quote that Michael Scott attributed to himself. Again, I’ve seen this episode. It’s from the same damn season as the other one the ghost was telling me about. But even if I hadn’t seen it, everyone and their mother has seen that scene as a gif or something else. And moreover, how the heck did this ghost buy a screen print from Etsy? Whose credit card did it use? How old is this ghost? Did this person die while binging the show? Are they exactly 22 years old and I hate them? Maybe! But it’s impossible to know!

I thought that was it. I thought surely this ghost can’t hit me with any more ubiquitous references to a show that’s been off the air for five years and wasn’t even that good for its last several seasons. But sure enough, the ghost told me about Prison Mike, when Michael Scott wears a purple bandana in season three. Again, believe me when I say this, I tried to tell the ghost that I had seen the damn episode. I saw it! I saw it! But the ghost went on undeterred and told me about Prison Mike and the dementors and how funny it all was.

I didn’t know what to say. I was at a loss for words. And when I tried to protest he asked me if I wanted to watch the clips on YouTube. Before I could say anything, he had them already on his phone and just awkwardly held the phone to my face, and I had to pretend to laugh again as if I hadn’t already the first ten million times I’d seen it.

I’m at the end of my rope. I can’t get any sleep. Everywhere I go in my apartment the ghost follows me and keeps saying, “Remember the part…” and “What about when…” I don’t know what to do anymore. It wouldn’t even be as bad if he talked about the other 198 episodes. But no. It’s just the same three and I can’t handle it.

At first, I thought if I showed the ghost the episodes on Netflix it’d leave, but it only made it worse. He said every single line with the characters and then watched me to see if I was laughing at the same parts. Of course I wasn’t. I was too frustrated! Then I thought maybe I could get him hooked on another show, like Arrested Development or Parks and Recreation, but the ghost wouldn’t have it. He just kept showing me gifs of Dwight wearing the CPR dummy’s mask. And I offered, “You know that’s a reference to Silence of the Lambs. We should watch that.” And to that the ghost replied, “Is it funny?”

I’m going to find a way to kill this ghost. Not just exorcised or anything like that. I’m going to make this ghost tangible and real and then I’m going to murder it. And if I can’t, then I’m going to drink a gallon of kerosene and swallow a match. I can’t live like this.

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