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Fake News

Happy New Year! Get Your Shit Together and Buy a Planner

Another year has gone and what do you have to show for it? You never started a podcast. You never finished your novel or even the first chapter. You barely wrote three blog posts.

Besides going to work for 8 hours a day, taking daily walks with your husband and dog, working out, eating good food, spending time with family, and traveling—what did you do? I mean, can you call it an accomplishment if you don’t have a link to it?

But 2019 is your year! All you need to do to achieve your best year yet is buy a planner! Here are some handy DOs and DON’Ts to follow.

DO: Find the perfect planner

Yes, you had the cutest gold and white one with the pink paper last year. It took you so long to find, and it turned out that it wasn’t even that great. Though it did have a space for daily gratitudes. And you did that for an entire month. Ok, not really, but for most of January and February. Alright, fine, in Q1 you averaged a full month. Congrats. It wasn’t your fault, obviously, all your shortcomings are the fault of this beautifully bound item.

DON’T: Wait too long

The fact that you’re reading this in January means you’re already fucked. I mean, were you living in a cave? What were you doing, buying 4th of July decorations? You should have been stalking all the influencers, spending all night making a spreadsheet of their branded planners, and then spending the next four months deciding between your top three. You would have had the perfect planner in October as you should have.

DO: Spend the money

The more you spend, the better the planner. This way, you’ll be fueled by guilt. So at the end of 2019, when you’ve accomplished all your dreams but you can’t pay your heating bill, you can reminisce about January 2019 while ripping pages out for the fire that is keeping you and your dog alive. You can recite your daily gratitudes while your tears land on the nicest paper. Things like, “grateful for this planner that is fueling this fire,” “grateful for the time I spent accomplishing goals that apparently did not pay enough,” and “grateful I followed my passion and purpose rather than money.” The tears on your planner will dry. The crushing shame of failure will not. You’re welcome.

DON’T: Try bullet journaling

Look, you can’t even keep up with a pre-crafted planner, you think creating your own will go any better? You could have written a daily gratitude in any journal you owned, but no—you had to buy one that specifically said “daily gratitude” in a tiny text box. Seriously, it looked like your last PowerPoint presentation. For the love of god, do not use PowerPoint.

DO: Use one of your previous journals

Every morning you can relive the failures of your younger self by reading the first three pages of the “you’re awesome” journal that your boss gifted you. Let the shame wash over you. But it will not stop you. Cry through your pain and believe the encouraging quotes printed largely on every other page: “Everything You’ve Ever Wanted Is On The Other Side Of Fear.” —George Addair

George has never met you, but he totally gets you.

DON’T: Forget about the pen

This really should have been a “DO,” but I like symmetry, so here we are.

Remember when you tried writing in that recycled paper journal with a normal pen and it felt terrible? Your pen was fighting a battle with the paper that it could not win. The usual ease, glide, and gaiety of the pen dancing across the page was replaced with anguish and pain. Your journal was full of fractional words, scribble tornadoes, and various pen colors. Resorting to the permanent marker was an amateur move, but you were desperate. The battle between paper and pen was so strong you hosted a sacrificial bonfire just so you could burn your sad looking grocery lists along with all the (self) love letters. Long story short, just get a nice fucking pen.

DO: Buy more planners

Your lack of accomplishments is only because you haven’t found the right planner. It has nothing to do with your overwhelming anxiety, your crushing lack of purpose, or the possibility that you might not actually care about the goals you made for yourself. Don’t fret, one day, when you’re surrounded by abandoned planners and journals, you’ll pick one up and it will all come together. And yes, you’ll have wasted a shit ton of paper, spent more money than you care to admit, and single-handedly created a small plastic patch of your own because none of these planners are fully recyclable. But! It was worth it! You’ll finally have the clarity to do everything, with no desire to do any of it!

Happy 2019. Let’s try again in 2020.

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