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Fake News

Halloween Costumes for the Anxiety Riddled


1. A Giant Black Hole

This costume can be made with simple, all black clothes, which will ensure no one notices you (not that you needed any help with that). The black hole must be constructed in such a way that it looks like there was effort put in, but everyone can see that it’s poorly masking its flaws. Make sure the hole is large and cumbersome so no one can get close to you.

2. An Email Typo

This seems obscure, but everyone at the office will get this since it’s a constant topic of conversation. Go through your work emails to find your latest snafu that, quite frankly, should’ve gotten you fired. You know you’re only kept around so coworkers have someone to mock. Print out copies of that email and tape them all over your body.

If you want to go the extra mile, find every typo you’ve ever made. There will be so many that you’ll be completely covered, which is best for everyone. You will get paper cuts. You’ll deserve them.

3. Impending Doom

This one can really be made of anything. You can make it topical, specific to your life, your Tinder profile, anything, as long as you make it yourself because everything you touch dies. In fact, if you just go as yourself, you can simply appear places and everything will go to shit. It will absolutely be your fault and everyone will know it. Best of all, it’s free other than the damage, property or otherwise.

4. Insomnia

GROUP COSTUME IDEA!

This will be difficult to assemble since you need people to agree to hang out with you, by choice. Pick a memory that you relive right before you attempt sleep. Remember that time you laughed and a little bit of spit landed on your crush’s face? You can reenact that! Make sure you can still perfect that horrifying laugh that was solely responsible for making you unpopular in high school. This will be a very detail-oriented costume because you relive this memory every night for hours. Dress yourself in pajamas that say “I haven’t had sex in a decade”—also known as “your pajamas.” Make sure you live in a different town than your high school crush because he’ll recognize this costume, immediately.

5. Nightmare Scenario

There are so many of these to choose from! What do you want to do? Global warming? Dress as a polar bear and have a bunch of melted ice! That’s so lame, though.

How about gun violence! Be the NRA and just hand out money to people while you shoot a kid. That kid should’ve been armed. Too dark? Of course it’s too dark, you’ll be ostracized, again.

Maybe you could be a Trump rally. Just wear that fucking wig and say horrific things while a group laughs behind you and makes plans to follow through. You’re right, everyone does a Trump costume. You’ll be labeled as unoriginal, which you are, but that’s beside the point.

Oh! A broken voting machine. Just make a vote for Beto and then say “your vote for Ted Cruz has been counted.” That’s literally the case right now so it’s not so much a nightmare scenario as much as a scenario. A dead Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Oh no, sorry, I shouldn’t have even said that. A dead Ruth Bader Ginsburg being replaced by a clone of Kavanaugh. Why do I keep saying this, I’m so sorry!!

6. Every Dog Hates You

This isn’t a costume, it’s just a reminder.

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