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Fake News

GoodTime®, The Hot New Dating App

Are you tired of Tinder?

Do you fumble at Bumble?

We know that app-based dating can be a carousel of disappointment and rejection, but don’t despair! GoodTime® is the new app in town, guaranteed to lift your dating life off of the mat and get it back in fighting shape. You’ll land more dates, meet more interesting people, and have more, ahem, success.

How Does It Work

Whereas other dating apps rely on shallow first impressions of highly doctored photos, GoodTime® takes advantage of a previously untapped resource: public restroom walls. For years, people across the nation have been reaching out for attention in this most unlikely of places, and for too long, their advertisements have gone ignored.

Well, not anymore! We’ve crowdsourced a compendium of sleazy wall scrawlings from Ithaca, New York to Calexico, California. For a good time, let GoodTime® hook you up!

Getting started is easy! Just open up the app and press the button that says “I’m Ready for a Good Time.” GoodTime® uses your location data to find the hottest sex graffiti in your immediate area. The results are randomized, and a single proposition is presented for your approval.

Select “Try Again” to be shown a different crapper classified, or “Giddy Up” to dial the number on your screen. It’s like being teleported to any Texaco lavatory in the tri-county area without having to leave the comfort of your living room!

Customer Testimonials

“I downloaded GoodTime® during my break at JiffyLube® and it gave me a note that said “For an Amazing BJ, Call Tiffany at 555-5555.” I waited till I got back home and then made the call. After a few rings, a man with a gruff voice answered the phone. I said “Tiffany?” and then his voice got a lot less gruff. He explained that it’s actually pronounced like “Timothy”

I let him take me to Panera Bread but nothing else happened.”

Caleb, 19. Hepzibah, Georgia

“I have to admit, I was very skeptical about this app. I mean, insanely skeptical. Like, who are these women who end up with their phone numbers on the walls of men’s restrooms? Are they going in there themselves to extol their blowjob skills with Sharpie on painted cinder block? I always figured it was just bored truck drivers and teenagers playing a joke on ex-girlfriends.

Anyway, I downloaded GoodTime® as a goof to make my friend Timothy laugh. Well, color me fucking surprised when the “Marge” who was guaranteed to “rock my world” kept me on the phone for 45 minutes with a sexy voice and a delightful wit. We made plans to meet the next day and she actually turned out to be a very attractive, well-adjusted woman. Just my type, in fact. We’ve only been dating a couple of months but I’m seriously considering popping the question. I still can’t believe it!”

—Charles, 42. Potomac, Maryland

“I met my wife through GoodTime®. She was a member of the SWAT team that rescued me from the shipping container where I was chained up.”

—Dale, 39. Lincoln, Nebraska

What are you waiting for? A GoodTime® is well within reach! Download free for Apple or Android and make a date with an enthusiastic young vixen.

It might end up being the last first date you ever go on!

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