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News Satire

God Falling Under Influence Of Powerful Spiritual Guru

THE HEAVENS—Increasingly worried by the changes they have noticed in the supreme deity’s behavior, heavenly sources expressed concern Thursday that God, Our Holy Father, was falling under the influence of a self-styled spiritual guru calling himself “the Rishi.”

The charismatic middle-aged man, who began counseling God on a regular basis after the divine Creator attended one of his free transcendental meditation seminars last September, has reportedly had a profound effect on the Lord’s beliefs, lifestyle, and even His diet, leading members of the angelic community to fear the Almighty may no longer be capable of making decisions without the Rishi’s guidance.

“At first it seemed like just some harmless self-exploration, which was fine, until God started quoting the Rishi all the time and mentioning out of nowhere how the Rishi had opened His eyes to the truth,” said the archangel Jophiel, adding that God now seems to always carry a copy of the Rishi’s self-published book, Astral Wisdom, with Him wherever He goes. “It’s all Rishi this, Rishi that. This guy’s got God chanting these inane mantras for hours on end, and now whenever you see Him around Heaven, the Rishi’s right there at His side, whispering another one of his ‘teachings’ to the Lord.”

Reports indicate that the Rishi, who wears a designer watch and claims the ability to interpret dreams, has even begun performing some of God’s heavenly tasks himself.

“God used to be this enormously warm and gregarious presence, but ever since He met this guy, He’s been cutting out everyone He says is dampening His ‘chi force,’” Jophiel continued. “I don’t think He’s spoken to His son in weeks.”

According to Jophiel, God now routinely references passages from the Rishi’s 16-point “Enlightened Living Philosophy,” a document that was supposedly revealed to the 53-year-old in a waking dream in 1998. Since discovering the mystical figure’s ideology, sources said, God has started wearing a pouch of crystals around His neck, shaved His hair and beard, and purchased levels 1 and 2 of the Rishi’s “Rebuilding Consciousness” program.

In addition, reports indicate that the Rishi, who wears a designer watch and claims the ability to interpret dreams, has even begun performing some of God’s heavenly tasks himself so the deity can devote more time to His daily karmic breathing practices.

“The Rishi makes all of us pretty uncomfortable, but whenever anyone speaks up about him, God just casts them out of His kingdom, so I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut,” said the archangel Azrael, who acknowledged that he and several seraphim briefly considered holding an intervention for the Almighty after observing the Rishi coaxing Him into a particularly strenuous and unnatural-looking yoga position earlier this year. “Besides, what’s the point of making a big stink when the Rishi has the Lord convinced that the archangels are all negative influences and that we just can’t see the ‘Oneness Path’ like He can.”

While details of the Rishi’s past remain unknown, heavenly sources confirmed that the guru owns at least three residences, including a sprawling 200-acre property he refers to as his “retreat and wellness center.” On various occasions, the Rishi has reportedly suggested that God take His spiritual commitment to the next level by coming to live with him.

“Apparently, as part of God’s spiritual training, the Rishi told Him that He must spread the message of what He’s learned to others, so He’s always handing out copies of the Rishi’s writings whether anyone wants them or not,” said Jophiel, noting that he had personally received and thrown away more than a dozen leaflets in just the past few months. “I took a look at one and it made no sense at all—something about the triangulation of chakras and the essential brain-body connection. Plus, it was all misspelled and aligned kind of crooked, like it had been printed off a home printer.”

“I just hope He comes to His senses soon, because this is starting to get really worrying,” the archangel added. “I don’t want to see God wasting His eternal life on some bullshit made-up religion.”


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