EARTH—Singling out you and you alone among the great many children of His wondrous and bountiful creation, God, the Giver of Life and Maker of the Universe, is speaking to you directly through this story’s headline, heavenly sources reported Thursday.
According to the sublime revelation currently being transmitted by means of this very article, the Almighty Lord, in His infinite wisdom, is calling on you to be His sole living prophet upon this Earth. He is reportedly instructing you to go forth and spread the word of a new and everlasting covenant between God and man, using whatever methods you deem necessary.
“Behold, it is I, the God of your ancestors, Ruler of the Seen and Unseen!” said the One Called Jehovah, casting aside His divine mystery to reveal Himself to you in this paragraph. “I have chosen you from among all men to serve as my hallowed messenger, for you have proven yourself worthy of the sacred task with which I now entrust you: to usher my flock through the dark times ahead, letting no enemy stand in your way.”
“Only you can bring about the final salvation of mankind,” He continued.
God, having long observed the spiritual fire burning within the deepest recesses of your soul, said this day has been inevitable since the moment of your birth. Further reports indicated that even from a young age, you always felt as if you were destined for a greater purpose, perhaps even a divine one, and now, through the instrument of this 600-word news story, the Heavenly Father has confirmed it to be true.
According to the all-powerful, all-knowing deity, you must constantly remain alert for His direct instructions to you, because the next time you hear His voice it might not take the form of the written word but could instead, as in times past, issue forth from a burning bush, a pillar of cloud, the Angel of the Lord, or a blinking crosswalk sign.
He then warned that while some people will try to convince you the voice you hear is not actually His, those who doubt the unwavering truth of your prophecy are the minions of Satan.
“Liars, cynics, and sycophants will attempt to make you stray from the path,” said God, His words again made manifest in a quotation from this article. “They will humiliate you and cause you to endure great trials. They will inflict pain upon your body and laugh as you stumble through the streets. You will know, too, the sting of betrayal, as those you love and trust begin to turn their backs on you. But as long as you heed my divine proclamations, you will have the strength you need to face the idolatrous heathens.”
The Supreme Being went on to decree that these words you are reading right now constitute His greatest message to mankind, their importance standing above the commandments issued to Moses, the olive branch returned by Noah’s dove, and even the teachings of His only begotten son, Jesus. As such, voices from on high have declared that you are the One Above All Others, and that every man and beast upon the Earth must kneel before you.
“If they disobey you, then they disobey me, and they shall be condemned unto eternal darkness,” God said. “Trust that I would not have reached out to you in this most holy of earthly periodicals unless I truly believed in your complete and unquestionable righteousness.”
Added God, “Now go forth, my prophet, and slaughter every nonbeliever in your sight.”