Homepage / Fake News / God Checks In on the Plan for You, A Person Who Is Not Drake
Hate Crimes Continue To Rise Speakeasy Patrons Apparently Unaware It Legal To Go To Regular Bars Again Kanye's Social Media Manager A Principal’s Tough Conversation with his Coolest Student Embarrassed Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Can Only Afford American Flag Pin With 19 Stars Supercuts Now Offering To Give Customers Baths For $14.99 Single Female Praying Mantis Just Checking Out Online Dating The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Laughing Stock Disgusting Coworker Barely Even Washed Ass Before Leaving Bathroom Boyfriend’s Snack 200% Of Woman’s Daily Caloric Intake Wealth-Burdened Nation Grateful For Opportunity to Spend Money At New Onion Store Saudi Crown Prince Begins 100 Hours Of Court-Ordered Community Service For Murdering Jamal Khashoggi George R.R. Martin Admits He Struggling With New Book 5 Things To Know About Matthew Whitaker China Introduces New One-Uighur Policy Mother Feels A Little Validated After Daughter Who Stayed Out Late Gets Murdered Facebook Just Filled With Crazy Idiots Now Underfunded Public Schools Lacking Basic Support Systems Leave Students Perfectly Prepared For Rest Of Life Super Saiyans & Sauron Wildfires More Frequent Because Of Climate Change, Forest Management Relaxation Techniques For When You’re Feeling Anxious or Looting a Radio Shack Widow Still Can’t Bring Herself To Get Rid Of Husband’s Corpse That’s Right, I Made My Super Cool Best Friend Laugh and Now Everyone at School Likes Me Nation Getting Out All Its Aggression During Monthly Calls To Wireless Provider To Fix Service Pfizer Unveils New Double-Sided EpiPen For Lovers Female Director Asked If She Feels Comfortable Filming Scene While Nude Amazon Officially Picks New York, Northern Virginia For Next Headquarters Opie Taylor Actually Barney Fife’s Love Child Recently Divorced 40-Year-Old Struggling To Navigate College Dating Scene A TV Game Show Marketed Toward Acne Sufferers Hits The Airwaves Melania Releases Statement Calling For Removal Of First Lady From White House Nation’s Tourists Announce Plans To Form Circle, Clap Hands Around Guys Doing Flips And Stuff Nancy Pelosi Planning To Reenergize House By Injecting Self With Blood Of Young Representatives The Orb in the Woods Kids Naked Man Refusing To Let Unworthy Attire Touch His Body Until Launch Of New Onion Store Merchandise The Onion’s Guide To ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ The Fantastic Bore North Korea Possibly Still Operating Hidden Missiles Bases Idiot Humans Love When AI Jumbles Up Words 45-Year-Old Loser Moves In With Parents Mark Wahlberg: New Movie "Basically Sucks" ‘He’s Not Right For You,’ Report Relationship Experts Who Must Not Want To See You Be Happy Hillary Launches Campaign To Raise $100 Million Or Else She’ll Run For President Poll Finds Voters Don’t Support Impeaching Trump Steve King Vehemently Denies Comparing Immigrants To People New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Reveals Final Season Will Be Cobbled Together From Old Footage NRA Publishes Tips For Staying Safe While Committing A Mass Shooting Natural Killers: A Message from an Environmentally-Conscious NRA Member New York City Announces Subway Just For Amazon Employees Now 5 Things To Know About ‘Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald’ Thank You For Doing All the Work Surgeon General Confirms A Bit Of Blow Here And There Won’t Kill Ya The Internet In A Nutshell Trump Delivers Touching Tribute To Fallen Heroes Of WWE Political Ad Spending Hit New Record In 2018 Midterms Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 13, 2018 Your Horoscope Based on the Demon That Has Possessed Your Body Ecologists Discover 400 Species Of Charles Darwin Living In Galápagos Islands Kid Diving Into Pile Of Leaves Has No Idea There Homeless Guy Jerking Off In There Stan Lee, Creator Of Beloved Marvel Character Stan Lee, Dead At 95 Emmanuel Macron Calls For ‘True European Army’ Against U.S., Chinese Threats 3 More States Vote To Legalize Marijuana Woman Confident She Has The Safety Net It Takes To Achieve Dreams FEMA Assures Wildfire Victims Bucket Brigade Nearly Over Maryland State Line Study Finds Only 20% Of Seminary Graduates Go On To Become God Family Figures Grandpa Never Talks About WWII Because Nothing Interesting Happened To Him Sorry, I'm a Slow Eater Friends Excitedly Gather Around Man’s Phone To Watch Shaky Footage Of Concert A Teacher's Assistant of Sorts Six Ways I Want Dwanye “The Rock” Johnson to Crush Me Trump Hacks Through Thick Central American Jungle In Search Of Entirely New Ethnic Group To Demonize Unattractive Man Not Fooling Anyone By Dressing Well The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 12, 2018 Al Gore Discovers a New Environmental Bogeyman I Am A Funny, Funny Book in A Barnes & Noble Display and I Want to Be With Your Niece DMs to a Young Influencer In Honor of Veteran’s Day… A Serious Note from SatireWorld | You make the news…We report it! Should Dunkin’ Donuts End Its Promotion With The NFL That Gives Fans One Free Medium Coffee For Every First Down? Cowboy Ex- Quarterback Tony Romo on Whether He Misses Jessica Simpson Kemp pushes Abrams to concede in Georgia gubernatorial race Neophyte Congresswoman-Elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Sends a Text Message House Republicans Look Forward To Leaving "All This Unpleasantness" Behind A Full Body Cast Fruit Beasts vs. Veggie Monsters Who Watches Your Instagram Stories at Night ICE-breakers: Fun Games for Agents and Immigrant Children Royal Baby Watch! Harry And Meghan Just Carved A Hole In The Side Of The PODS Container Where They Live Through Which Meghan Will Give Birth Astronomers Confirm Moon Will Have Dozens Of New Phases In 2019 Buy Partisan Is Cindy Gruden Worth More Than The 7th-Round Pick Jon Gruden Traded Her For? Study Finds Mediterranean Diet Adds Years To Your Life, But Only By Taking Them Away From Others Georgia GOP Demands Stacey Abrams Step Down As Candidate To Avoid Conflict Of Interest Now That the House Is Democratic, I’m Turning My Life Around Record Number Of Women To Take Seats In Congress Reddi-Wip Casually Announces Their Nozzles Can Easily Fit Into Most Orifices Top 10 Positive Things Trump Did for Americans on Nov. 6th City Officials Warn Against Flushing Feminine Hygiene Products After Finding 8-Foot-Long, 250-Pound Tampon Lurking In Sewers The 10 Chillest Bros To Have In Your Squad Michelle Obama Admits Barack Had Way Too Much Sperm To Make Natural Conception Possible 5 Simple Phrases You Can Use To Act Like You Understand Current Events

Fake News

God Checks In on the Plan for You, A Person Who Is Not Drake

“God’s plan, God’s plan / I can’t do this on my own, ayy, no, ayy / Someone watchin’ this shit close, yep, close” —Drake

Done,” God says and stops watching Drake’s shit close. “Yep. Time to play catch-up.”

God runs down her list of to-dos. She’s watched Drake for a long time and realizing a lot of new the items seem tricky, she inhales sharply: “end violent civil war(s),” “figure out how to stop climate change in casual/mysterious way like when had to kill all dinosaurs,” “end the internet?,” “review notes from editor on Bible 2: How to Lose Weight, Love More and Have Better Sex through Submission to the Will of the Lord.” All seem exhausting.

Drake was simple. God felt like she actually mattered with him. And Drake appreciated her! He even wrote a song about her!

“I don’t want to go from killing it with Drake right into anything too big,” God decides. “We’ll just do something easy.”

So, God turns the gaze of the heavens upon you—a person who is not Drake, not even a rapper, not even popular or important, just you, a person—to help you fulfill your preordained purpose in life. Which is not big. It’s small. Your purpose is simple. God thinks this will be easy.

It is 6:00 a.m. You just woke up. You’re in bed. “Early up,” you whisper to yourself, “I’m going to get after it today.”

“Sick, this person probably doesn’t even need me!” God says to the angel floating beside her. “Knew it was a good idea to focus so much attention on Drake. He couldn’t do it on his own! Remember that Drake line? Sick.”

God had, of late, been saying Drake lines to people and, not casually, mentioning one of his songs was about her. As if this was an excuse for 20 plus years of not paying attention to anything else.

You sit up and start to get out of bed and then a thought stops you: But what is it that I’m supposed to be even “getting” at? What am I doing? Why am I here?

“Uh oh,” God mutters, “an idiot.”

God asks the angel for The Book. The Lord opens the dusty tome labeled: “God’s Plans, Alphabetical.” God flips to D. Drake has a big green checkmark next to the word “mogul/rapper/father.” God turns to the angel, shows him the green checkmark and then tilts her eyebrows as if to say, “Pretty cool, huh?” God makes the angel fist bump. But the angel doesn’t enjoy it because this is just work for the angel, a job.

But then God finds you—a human not from Canada and who cannot do that divinely created non-dance Drake shimmy does in music videos—in the book. She places a finger on your “thing.” Next to your reason for existing the checkmark is not green, it’s grey. God looks up.

You roll over and go back to sleep.

You wake back up at 6:26 a.m. You pick up your phone, check the time. You respond to some text messages. You look at social media.

“Alright, this one’s simple. Let’s just give a little push,” God ordains. “I had to watch close on Drake, probably just the same thing here. Remember that line? Watchin’ this shit close! Yep. I love how he says ‘yep.’ Sick.”

God, through the beauty of the universe, places your reason for existing in your mind. In bed, you happen to think for a moment about the very thing God assigned you to do on this earth. The plan floats in, delicately, like a breeze. You picture the life. You see the wisdom of the Lord. You mull it over.

Unlike Drake, you do not accept God’s Plan.

“I’m too good for that,” you conclude.

“Are you fucking kiddi–,” God starts, clenches her fist tight and raises it in the air above her head, and then stops. The angel gives her a look.

Against the wishes of our Lord, you begin imagining other people’s plan for yourself: making lots of money, being an artist that’s also happy, being attractive. None of these are your thing. They are way better than your thing. They are all things God gave to Drake.

“Oh Jesus!” God laments.

Jesus pops his head around the corner and into God’s cloud chamber.

“Sup, pops?” Jesus asks.

“Nothing. Nothing. It’s just an expression” God says. “And aren’t we supposed to be one entity?”

“Oh yeah,” Jesus says and immediately folds into God, becoming the heart and then the Holy Spirit comes in and became God’s shoulders; God then had really beefy shoulders like Dwight Howard and a big heart like Jesus.

At 6:57 you wake up again, pick up your phone, and look at Instagram again.

You see many people doing their thing, some of them special people with stars in God’s ledger; some of them with double stars. You watch everyone fulfill their purposes on Instagram: double-star LeBron James dunks on a one-star member of the Brooklyn Nets, one-star Mark Zuckerberg talks about community to a double-star single dad in Georgia, a no-star high schooler posts a fake Joan Didion quote, and triple-star Drake posts a photo of himself in the studio.

“Just like me,” you think. “Because, I guess, my thing is being special enough to do anything. The hard part, for me, is actually the number of choices I have.”

God gives a sin point to everyone who lived in Silicon Valley and then, frustrated, checks back in on Drake to cheer herself up. She tries to hide her smile, but Drake’s doing something really cool.

“Focus,” she says. She goes back to you.

You’re thinking about what photo to post to help people understand you are special. Indeed, very special, as you’ve decided. But you have not done anything lately. What could you do to get a cool picture, you wonder. Like a photo of you skydiving while recording a podcast? Or you meeting being successful in some way but you present it humbly!? Wait, you say to yourself, you don’t want to rule out the skydiving thing—it’s really cool. How could you make skydiving casual enough to post? That’s the question. That’s what you need to focus on.

As you run this over in our minds, you notice the time. It is 7:45 a.m. You’re going to be late. You shower, eat, and put on clothes. You get into the office at 8:12 a.m.—still unsure which photo would be best to create and show to the world the special piece of you, inside, that defines you and helps you wake up each morning to trudge into work; that gives you meaning and purpose and hope.

“Late,” says the boss; it’s become a catchphrase, no reason to use more than one word.

“Sorry,” you say.

At your desk, you grab headphones and go to Spotify.

“Yeah they wishin’ and wishin’ and wishin’ and wishin’ / They wishin’ on me, yuh,” you mumble to yourself.

God sags her head.

And you keep singing to yourself: “They gon’ tell the story, shit was different with me.”

God’s plan fails.

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.