Okay, Trump made me fat!
I didn’t tell anyone but last December 31st, I started my ‘Eat a Different Dessert Every Day for a Year’ project – just to see how much weight I’d gain! And, that year was just up!
Even when I didn’t want dessert – I made myself eat it!
What did you do – pop a couple of pills? I sacrificed. I was facing a 3 piece bikini dilemma come summer!
I’m not sayin’ it was due to this last year of Trump – and I do mean last!
Okay, all right – Trump made me fat!
But, I was a Happy Camper for a whole year – can you say that?
No, I didn’t get bored. I never repeated a dessert! In the first week, I had Kristy Kreme, Cheesecake, Eclair, Rum Baba, Cannoli, Tiramisu, Strudel & Shoofly Pie!
That’s 8? You have your week – I have mine!
I take that back; by the 364th day – I had it! Just like ‘Honeymoon Sex’ you want a day off – but can’t figure out if it’s ‘Hump Day’!
I admit, the last week of December, I scraped the bottom of the barrel – you know, the dregs of Dessertdom – a Moon Pie, Snowball, Twinkie, Ding Dong & a Lady Finger…and she was not amused!
Look, it was a science experiment & what could I lose? And, I only went on a scale at the end. Okay, it was the Weigh Station on Route 66 – but hey!
Why didn’t I go to one closer? If you must know, I did – but they couldn’t get a good reading!
Sure, it was Doctor Approved. You just have to find the right doctor. And, he was out-of-town so I left a message that I’d be doing this. He never called back; so I count that as approved!
Okay, the real reason I went on this half-baked diet is because I’m sick of reading those ‘Diet Myths’. When a new one comes out – I feel like a Sheet-Cake’s pulled right from under me!
Yeah, like we all know Calories don’t kill people – Creme Brulee kills people! Who knew there’d be a 7 day waiting period for Creme Brulee!
You’ve seen those myths:
COFFEE & CIGARETTES CAN MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT!
Thanks to that one – I now go to 16 Anonymous Meetings!
EAT SMALL FREQUENT MEALS!
DON’T EAT AFTER 8 PM!
That doesn’t apply to me – my Bed is next to my Kitchen!
EAT FROM A SMALLER PLATE!
Well, that didn’t work – my Rib Eye touched my date’s Rib Eye!
JUST HAVE ONE BITE OF DESSERT!
Are you kidding – that’s like stopping at Foreplay!
And, SEX MAKES YOU LOSE WEIGHT!
Damn…all that for nothin’?
Marilyn Sands is a former 80’s Stand-Up Comic who started out in the DC/MD/VA area, moved to the Bay Area in Northern California and now resides in L.A. She has sold jokes to Joan Rivers, lesser lights and gag magazines, and is a screenwriter, playwright and author of non-fiction.