Homepage / Fake News / Frequently Asked Questions Regarding Our Controversially Heavy Weighted Blankets
Airport Only Place In Metro Area To Buy City’s Signature Food Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923 Taco Bell Seeking to Attract Workers with New Benefit Browns Draft First Overall Out Of Habit ‘If You Cross Me I Will End You,’ Goodell Whispers Into Ear Of Every Draft Pick Jon Gruden Rips Up List Of Top Prospects And Drafts From The Heart List: Having Never Seen a Marvel Movie, We Predict the End of “Avengers: Endgame” Easy-Going Mel Kiper Predicts Teams Will Do Whatever They Feel Is Right And We Shouldn’t Judge Them CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million in Cash Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign What Is the Coolest Way to Quit Your Job? Judging Late Night Hosts Based on if They’d Be a Good Replacement for Your Father, Now That He’s Passed Away Weird Birthday Boy Blowing Out Candles Wishes John Hickenlooper Wins Democratic Primary Winter Is Shortcoming I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children How Brexit Uncertainty Is Affecting UK Residents Hair Loss Got You Down? Try The Mountain Hermit Cure What Is the ‘AI Agenda,’ Who’s Pushing It and Why? The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation By the Company He Keeps If You Can’t Stand the Heat… Get Out of the White House Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments ‘Junk Food’ is Fake News, Say Trump Lobbyists Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment Do-It-Yourself Health Care – Yes, It Has Come to That John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf Megan and the Queen at Odds Retired Marshawn Lynch Goes Into Yeast Mode While Baking Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities Burning (Alive) on the Dance Floor Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch Public Bathrooms I’m Not Like Other Tourists Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day List: How I Snowplowed My Utterly Unmagical Child’s Way into the Most Prestigious School of Witchcraft and Wizardry CIA Finds Definitive Evidence Of Second Shooter In JFK Assassination Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration Dedicated Russell Westbrook Stays Late After Practice To Miss 100 Extra Shots Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster Jared Kushner Claims That Russian Interference Less Damaging To U.S. Democracy Than Saudi Arabia, Nepotism, Israel, Cambridge Analytica, UAE, Illicit Donations, Erik Prince, Bill Barr, And Financial Entanglements Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work Stop Asking Women To Talk About Being Women Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat Laundering Instructions For Your $148 Anthropologie Romper Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’ Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 23, 2019 Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral List: Failed Restaurant Chains of Famous Artists Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas Elizabeth Holmes Proves Women Are Just as Good at Committing Fraud as the Guys 5 Things To Know About ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Glossary Of Terms Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies 9-Foot-Tall Bernie Sanders Greets Supporters After Session With Posture Coach Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time Line Item On Aetna Insurance Bill Just ‘Paying For CEO’s Yacht’ Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21 “SNL” Alums Remember the Awkward Encounters with Lorne Michaels That Got Them Hired! Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage A Disturbance in HR Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 Alfred Aquino II on the Skateboarder Who Comped Justin Bieber The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 22, 2019 List: My Response to Your Big Work News: A Guide Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase Woman Jealous Of Horse’s Eyelashes The Syllabus to Paul Ryan’s Notre Dame Political Science Class Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman

Fake News

Frequently Asked Questions Regarding Our Controversially Heavy Weighted Blankets

Some have said our Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blankets are “criminally heavy” and “medically unsafe.” That’s nonsense. We simply believe in the healing power of sleep, and liquidating large amounts of merchandise at whatever cost. To set your mind at ease, we’ve assembled this helpful and legally mandated FAQ page.

What are the perks of sleeping with a weighted blanket?

Weighted blankets promote a sense of peace for anxious sleepers. If you’ve ever slept under far too many covers, you’ll know how hot and difficult to move it is. A weighted blanket mimics this feeling exactly– with just one convenient blanket.

How are your Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blankets different from other weighted blankets?

Our Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blankets are five to seven times heavier than any other blanket on the market. Instead of using rice or synthetic beans for the filling, we’ve used scrap metal, gravel, concrete, dead batteries, and other debris.

How heavy of a weighted blanket should I buy?

It really depends on how thoroughly you’d like to be crushed in your sleep. A blanket of ten percent of your body weight is generally recommended, but why stop there? With our Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket, you can go up to one hundred pounds if you’re hardcore enough.

How do I know if I’m hardcore enough?

If you’re asking this question, you are extremely hardcore! Buy the hundred-pounder.

Does the Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket come in fun colors?

Weighted blankets are specially designed to look bad with any bedroom color scheme. This is a time-honored tradition of weighted blankets, and we carry on that legacy proudly.

Once it arrives, how will I carry my new Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket up to my third story apartment?

As you would with any package! After all, it’s only a one hundred pound blanket in a box.

What’s the best way to make my bed with my new Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket?

This blanket is an extremely ugly non-color, so you will be tempted to hide it under a quilt. Unfortunately, this will result in your sheets getting really balled up. We recommend putting it on top of all of your bedding for best results. Show it off proudly!

What if the Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket doesn’t help me sleep peacefully?

That can and does happen frequently! Our weighted blankets inhibit all movement, making it extremely difficult to switch positions. Many of our customers experience multiple pulled muscles all over their body from trying to get comfortable. What a great incentive to lie still!

How will I wash my Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket?

You don’t! This fucking blanket weighs one hundred pounds!

How should I store my Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket?

Put it on a high shelf. Hahaha, just kidding. Few people are strong enough to lift the Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket above their head. Just fold it badly and kick it underneath your bed!

I dropped my Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket on my foot and broke several bones.

Gadzooks! How wonderfully whimsical! We are not responsible for any damage your weighted blanket may cause.

I’d like return my Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket.

That makes sense! You have 4 hours upon delivery to return your Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket. All you have to do is pay shipping and handling.

Can I donate my Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket?

Interestingly enough, no! We’re one of the few products that resell and donation centers will point-blank not accept.

Can I throw away my Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket?

Most trash and junk collectors won’t accept our blankets, either. In fact, nearly every major city will fine you for disposing of them in the trash, due to environmental regulations.

Can I set the Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket on fire?

You can try, but you probably won’t get very far! We definitely cut some
corners when developing the Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket, but
fireproofing wasn’t one of them. You can literally soak this thing in
gasoline and throw it on a bonfire and it will hold up remarkably well. We
feel confident that once this blanket is in your life, it’s not going

So, I’ll have this Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket forever?

Probably! You could call this blanket heirloom-quality!


We think so, too!

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.