Homepage / Fake News / Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs)
The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04 I Am Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo Christian Bale Loses 40 Years For Upcoming Movie Role New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To You Through Hardcover Copies Of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’

Fake News

Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs)


Doctor Snuggles, a small, 2-year-old, pure-white Bichon-Frise, is the perfect dog for any household. He’s had all his shots, is housebroken, has a very lovable and funny personality and only eats dead dogs. He also doesn’t jump on the furniture. Free to a good home!

Doctor Snuggles has been neutered, of course. And he is great with children—even dead children! But seriously, he has no interest in eating or biting any humans. It’s totally not his thing. His thing is being fluffy.

Doctor Snuggles likes to be walked at least two times a day and is super submissive to living dogs. He never tugs on his leash, unless he crosses paths with an older dog he thinks might be close to death.

Don’t worry, his name is flexible. If you don’t like Doctor Snuggles, you can rename him! He will answer to pretty much anything because he is a very good boy as long as you feed him a cup and a half of wet blended dead dog, twice a day. (Otherwise, his fur gets less shiny)

The feeding process is pretty simple. Have you ever gone “gluten-free”? This is just like that, only you have a giant freezer full of dead dogs.

Ideally, take one small or one-half medium sized dog out of your freezer and run it through your food processor. But you don’t even have to blend it. Doctor Snuggles is happy to suck on the dead dog until it softens, so whatever’s easiest for you! And he makes the cutest, snuffly wet noises while he rips the meat from the bone. You’ll just want to hug him to bits!

Oh, and he responds perfectly to commands like “Stop,” “Roll Over,” and “Shake.” This is a big hit at parties! Everyone loves Doctor Snuggles. Do not command Doctor Snuggles to play dead.

Also, the freezer part is actually really important. If you don’t keep the dead dogs in the freezer, Doctor Snuggles will devour all the dogs in one sitting. He really is a huge pig. Aren’t you? Aren’t you my little pig?

You have a small freezer? That’s totally fine! I’ll give you my freezer! I won’t need it anymore.

Look, all pets have quirks. Some people own snakes! And what do snakes eat? Mice! Rats! You have to go to the store and buy dead mice and rats! Isn’t that weird? And snakes don’t love you or cuddle you or give you sweet happy little kisses like Doctor Snuggles does. It makes it all worth it. And his breath is terrific—really! He doesn’t even have dog breath!

Come on! Take him! Take my dog!

If you come and pick up this lovable dog today, I will give you two dead dogs, free.

Please? The shelters won’t take him. Please.

Serious inquiries only. $150.00 rehoming fee, non-negotiable.

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish