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Fake News

Four Halloween Costumes That Let People Know You’re Totally Chill About Your More-Successful Sister Getting Into Yale

Your younger sister, Beth, just got her acceptance letter to Yale Law, and you’re like, totally chill about it. So happy.

Your mom already bragged about it on Facebook, and your dad made a formal announcement at the firm. They’re overwhelmingly proud, to say the least.

It’s funny that they weren’t this proud when you passed French II, or when you won “Best Hair” senior year, or even when you learned to hand someone a knife the right way.

But it’s your third-favorite time of the year, Halloween, and you’re not going to let this ruin it. Here are four Halloween costumes to show people you’re totally chill about your sister’s success.

1. Doctor

What better way to celebrate Halloween than by dressing up as one of the most noble and highest-paying professions: a doctor. But not just any doctor, a brain surgeon—and you didn’t even need to take out hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans to become one. Beth is going to have so many loans, she might never pay them off.

A simple costume, you’ll need only a white lab coat and a stethoscope. If you want to really amp up the look, try incorporating medical jargon into your conversations throughout the night. You can even whip this out at Thanksgiving, Christmas, or anytime your parents keep bringing up Beth’s 4.0 GPA.

2. Lawyer

You tell your friends that you would love to be a sexy M&M with them this year, but it turns out you have a real passion for corporate dress. A pencil skirt and briefcase are all you need to complete this dynamite look. Sure, you’d have better luck getting free drinks as the green M&M with no pants, but you remind your friends that lawyers are intelligent, hard-working, and all of the qualities you possess that your parents somehow overlooked.

“Beth’s going to law school, right? That’s so funny! You’re basically going as your sister for Halloween,” your friends joke.

Nevermind. Fuck this idea.

3. Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Thatcher, the Iron Lady. For this look, you’ll need a wig, pearl earrings, and a vintage pantsuit. Ask your mom if she has one lying around. When she inquires about its purpose, just wink and tell her Beth isn’t the only successful sister in the house.

“You work at Great Clips,” she says.

Ok??? As the first woman to lead a political party in the United Kingdom, Margaret Thatcher paved the way for women in politics. She led the Conservative Party to three straight election wins, making her one of the most influential and diverse leaders in history. That sounds way more impressive than being just another defense attorney from Yale Law… or any other school Beth got into.

4. A Puddle of Nothing

The perfect costume if you don’t have the time or money to go out and buy a costume. Making this costume at home is surprisingly easy. Just imagine your parents crying at Beth’s graduation, soaking up the glory of their youngest daughter while you get high in the bathroom and write things like “Beth’s a whore” on the stall door. Now picture your parents eventually telling all of their friends that they only have one daughter, and the skin will melt right off of your bones.

No matter which one you choose, all of these costumes are guaranteed to make you stand out on Halloween. Not that you care.

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