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Fake News

Five People on Your Holiday Shopping List Who Would Want My Copy of “Timesplitters 2”


Well, here we are. You got my messages, you came by in the middle of the day, but after it all, you’re still on the fence. I get your hesitation, I do. It’s the holidays, and gift-giving isn’t only the most appropriate way to make your ex let you see your kids, it’s also a great way to show your loved ones that you know them.

The problem is anyone can buy dad another set of golf clubs, or mom another case of animal tranquilizers to subdue dad when he gets mad with his golf clubs. No, those gifts simply won’t do this year. This year you need to give something special. This year you need to give them my copy of Playstation 2 classic Timesplitters 2.

It’s held up, and frankly, in this political climate, it’s more relevant than ever. Aren’t we all just the hunchback of Notre Dame fighting… a vampire or something… I don’t really remember it’s been on my shelf for a while. Anyways it’s 20 bucks but demand is skyrocketing so that’s only going up.

Still not convinced? Here are just a few examples of people who would love for you to give them my copy of Timesplitters 2 this holiday season.

The Mailman:

This guy is the definition of hard work. He’s outside hauling around mail all day and I’ve never once heard him complain. You think when he gets home he wants more physical activity? You think he wants to go to the gym? No, this guy wants to play Timesplitters 2, and he wants to play this copy, because he knows it’s been loved and is the low low price of $30. Who are we to deprive him of his joy?

I don’t want to be grim, but mail workers are always close to the edge anyways. They’re out all day, rain or shine. They need an outlet, something to get their mind off the constant stress of having to wear dog pheromones to work. Why not let Timesplitters 2 be that outlet?

Your Rabbi:

Maybe you already got your mailman something. Nice going, you’re a pillar of the community, but what about Rabbi Howard? He’s always pouring over the torah and thinking up lessons for temple, is he taking enough time for himself? The Talmud teaches many things, but it doesn’t teach how to destroy the attack helicopter on the roof of the “Oblask Dam” level. That’s something you have to learn on your own, and I think he would appreciate the initiative required to do that.

It’s currently the second night of Hanukkah, that means this bridge is only 25% burned. You still have time to not look like a prime asshole, but you’ve gotta buy this game quick. What’s 40 dollars when weighed against your spiritual future?

My Ex-Wife:

Rhonda may say a lot of hurtful things. She may also write a lot of hurtful things. She may even keep my beautiful boys from me, but deep down she wants my success. I don’t mind that you two are together now, it’s been years. It’s time to move on, but a little part of our past life together should be with you. The Timesplitters 2 part.

The 50 dollars you spend on this slightly used game could be the blanket capital I need to finally get my trampoline park off the ground. Think about it. Me, surrounded by smiling 6-12-year-old children, hopping around doing flips and shit. Meanwhile, you’re laughing your way to the bank. What bank, you ask? Any bank, in any time, because you’ve split time. Timesplitters. 2.

Your Neighbor:

Let’s be real, the Hendersons can fuck off and die. We don’t need to keep up this lie when no one else is around, they are the worst. They are a vessel for some lesser god, an evil god. Unfortunately, they also feed the cats when you’re out of town. Get them Timesplitters 2. They won’t know what to do with it, they’re like a million years old. When they ask you can say “I got it for 60 bucks, what a steal!” and they’ll feel like assholes for only getting you a pie.

The best part is they’ll never use it. They’ll forever be deprived the joy that is sneaking around the Neo-Tokyo level and looking for time crystals, in an attempt to stop the evil Timesplitters. They will never know what it is to live.

Me:

You haven’t gotten me a present yet, right? What better than a proven game you know I’ll cherish for more years beyond this admittedly rough one. How I yearn to run free through the Aztec Jungles level again, with a friend by my side so they can play as the monkey character.

Fine, Josh, you want me to level with you? I need this money. It’s been a hard year. Most of these trampolines have holes in them and the ones that don’t have the elasticity of a mummy’s vagina. Just buy the game, it’s only 60 bucks. I know it’s scratched that’s why I’m including my Disc Doctor. If you buy it… I’ll stop coming by the house. Alright, well, think about it then. Yeah, happy holidays to you too.

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.


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