Homepage / Fake News / Fitbitting is Totally a Sport, Okay?
I Won’t Eat Caribou Unless It’s Slaughtered By at Least a Somewhat Automatic Weapon 4 Ways for Audiophiles to Drown Out the Sounds of a Dying Cat How H&R Cockblock Saved My Taxes and Stole My Woman Opinion: Less Guns Means More Mass Killing by Cutlery Offering ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ Just Don’t Fly No More: Hot Air Always Dissipates Trump Renews Call to Promote Mentally Ill A Comedian Made a Joke About the Holocaust, and Now I Feel Unsafe Someone Broke Into Our Hulu Account An Ode to the Five Pairs of Shoes Who’ve Been With Me Through Everything ‘Oh God, What Happened Last Night?’ Says Groggy Mike Pence After Waking Up In Same Bed As Wife Doubles Luge to Add More Men to Sled for next Games FBI Quickly Follows Up On Tip About Potentially Dangerous Man Who Killed 17 In School Shooting The Self-Applauding President… but Will He Go Blind? Uphill Skiing Competition Enters 6th Day Trump, Truth and the Lantern of Dreams Cute New Dog Helping Single Man Pick Up Tons Of Hot Shit The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews White House Advisor Stephen Miller Male Dogs Twice As Likely To Win At Westminster Dog Show Nation Hears Voices Encouraging It To Buy Gun What It's Like Being An Adult Getting a Credit Card For the First Time Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War The 6 Stages of Watching an Olympic Sport Episode 3: Calloway Day If Movies Had Honest Titles (February 2018 Edition) Archaeologists Unearth Ivory Trumpet Dating Back To Prehistoric Jazz Age Man Looking For Job That Plays To His Natural Talent For Half-Assing Things Man Hates It When Trailer Gives Away Entire Premise Of Movie Hi, I'm Paul Ryan, And I'm Pretty Much an Ogre At This Point North Korea Linked To Upsurge In UK Cycling @TwitterSupport Your Platform Won’t Allow Me to Unfollow the American President In Exclusive Interview “World’s Most Interesting Man” Endorses SatireWorld New York City Pizzerias Rated by How Good They Are for Hiding from Your Ex-Wife Trying to Collect Her Alimony Check 3 Years After the Breakup, I Finally Stopped Drunk Texting My Ex’s Mom, Pam I Used A Robot To Write A Comic And It Got Very Weird The Cherry Pickers | HumorFeed New School Shooter Drill Includes Practicing Pleas To Lawmakers To Do Something About This Under New Budget The Department Of Housing And Urban Development (HUD) Is Now Just UD ‘Sports Illustrated’ Publishes First Swimsuit Issue Of #MeToo Movement Long-term couple say Valentine’s Day was ‘nothing special’ But I’m Oppressed! (SPOILER: No You’re Not!) (2/4) Tips For Treating A Bed Bug Infestation Veteran Congressman Can Still Remember When Inaction On Gun Violence Actually Presented A Moral Dilemma Thousands Of Dismembered Crash Test Dummies Line Newly Discovered Catacombs Beneath Ford Motor Plant Bad Polling Is Ruining Everything Woman In Commercial Doing Yoga To Narration Of Drug's Fatal Side Effects I’m Sick and Tired of Congress Politicizing Tragedies Like the One I’m About to Perpetrate John Kelly Apologizes For Assuming Everyone Would Ignore Abuse Allegations Like They Do In Military Stop Telling Kids How Easy They Have It White House Compare Potential Food Stamps Replacement Program To ‘Blue Apron’ Trump Surprises Melania With A Romantic Dinner For One Relationship Experts Say Mailing Body Part To Ex On Valentine’s Day Only Way To Win Them Back Donald Trump Spends Another Valentine's Day Completely Alone Lone, Weak Bystander Targeted By Pack Of Female Friends Who Want Their Picture Taken Chloe Kim Recalls Growing Up Under Parents' Intense Pressure To Just Chillax And Shred The Gnar Gnar An Olympian’s Guide to Having Sex with Athletes Living Under Various Forms of Government PetSmart Introduces Heart-Shaped Puppy For Valentine’s Day Stan Lee’s Cameo in My Life as My Dad Has Officially Gone From “Kind of Endearing” to “Where is the Film Crew Hiding?” 89% Of Husbands Planning To Surprise Wife On Valentine’s Day By Dressing As Naked, Chubby Cherub Funniest Poker Moments – Humor Times, Humor Times ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens The South is Rising Again ‘Peter Rabbit’ Film Criticized For Making Light Of Allergies The Cherry Pickers – Will Durst, Humor Times Shuddering Astrid Menks Comes Home To Trail Of Rose Petals Leading To Nude, Spread-Eagle Warren Buffett Schnauzers Rioting Outside Madison Square Garden Following Westminster Dog Show Defeat Snowy Mountain In Pyeongchang Figures It Can Withstand 1 Or 2 More Big Cheers Before Triggering Avalanche What All 17 Year Olds Who Aren’t Winning Olympic Golds Are Doing Teddy Bear Feels Terrible For Sparking ‘What Are We?’ Conversation Man Who Forgot To Buy Valentine's Day Gift Relieved To Remember Wife Passed Away Years Ago Hentai Message Board Features Surprisingly Close-Knit, Supportive Community Emily & Murph Wrote A Book About Relationships, Love, and Other Junk Obamas’ Presidential Portrait Revealed Five Moves the Trump Administration Should Have Made at the NBA Trade Deadline Rand Paul Beaten by Other Neighbor The Sunny Side Of The Street Trump Announces Plan To Replace Food Stamps With New Low-Income Foraging Program (satireworld.com) Walter Bucket Presents True Facts……..according to Nopes! #144 White House Now Just Holding Continuous Going-Away Party For Departing Staffers There Is No P.F. Chang’s In PyeongChang | Adobo Chronicles Congress Confused By $500 Million In Trump’s Budget Allocated For ‘Laser Stuff’ John Kelly Takes Responsibility For Failing To Properly Silence Victims Americans Gear Up For Valentine’s Day Ra Wins Westminster God Show Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 13, 2018 You're All a Bunch of Phone Zombies Timeline Of The U.S. Labor Movement Texas Schools To No Longer Teach Students About Autoerotic Asphyxiation L.L. Bean Ends Iconic Lifetime Return Policy Eddie Bauer Announces New Line Of Brown Clothes Gwyneth Paltrow’s Valentine’s Day Essentials Please Reconsider Me for the Role of “7-Eleven Cashier #1” Detective Refuses To Pry Into Circumstances Of Murder Out Of Respect For Deceased Report: Whoa, Last Person On Treadmill Ran 8 Miles Olympic Drug Testing Official Left Horribly Disfigured After Coming Into Contact With Russian Urine Living On Campus vs. Living Off Campus Episode 2: What I Know And What I Don’t Know Yet Woody Allen’s Greatest Victims: Guys Who Can No Longer Say “Annie Hall” Is Their Favorite Romantic Comedy Cities Move To Outlaw Hollow-Point Silver Bullets After Wave Of Gruesome Werewolf Slayings Bannon: #MeToo Movement Could Spell End For Trump Throckmorton P. Trudblossom “The Country Boy Advice Column” | You make the news…We report it!

Fake News

Fitbitting is Totally a Sport, Okay?

Buy the Wine Cloud T-Shirt at Awkward T-shirts
dab on them haters t-shirt
I Believe in ReinCATnation T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Books Reading T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Breaking News T-Shirt Amazon.com
Arrow
Arrow
PlayPause
Slider



When I was home with my third baby, I went on a lot of walks in both my neighborhood and luxury parks like the arboretum without any green circles filling up and exploding confetti to tell me how awesome I was because of how many steps I was taking. It’s hard to think how I managed that, just taking walks enjoying nature and the neighbor’s holiday lights display, missing out on all those green circle confetti explosions…

Then I got a Fitbit.

I started my relationship with my digital, wrist-worn step monitor, also know as a Fitbit, a year ago, and it has changed my life. Now I have a sport again. It’s not like the sports of my youth, the two hour swim practices I spent my summer mornings suffering through and then stupidly recovering from by eating a pan of brownies, or the sports of my early adult years, like the capoeira martial arts fight circles where once I got a double knee bruising so bad I hobbled around for days. (I also kicked a girl in the ribs. We were singing songs while all this was going on. It’s cool. You should check it out.)

There is a lot I do for Fitbit, for my sport. I am very dedicated–so much so that I hope the neighbors haven’t noticed through any open blinds at night.

No, my new sport, Fitbitting, isn’t like any of my previous sports. It’s even more demanding.

Fitbit lives with me 24/7. It is constantly monitoring me and telling me whether I need 4,335 more steps or 4,127 more steps until I complete my goal for the day. It tells me I need to monitor how much water I drink, and how many miles I’ve walked from the washing machine to the bedroom to the other bedroom to the dryer to the bedroom to the kitchen… and on and on.

See? It requires constant attention. It expects me to do my best. If I don’t, then I don’t get any green confetti stars, and that day sucks.

Oh and it watches over my sleep. But not in any creepy way, it just wants me to be a better Fitbitter. I have to get sleep if I’m going to have the energy to earn my stars. Every morning I can check how many times the baby woke me up, and when I got up to pee. See how integral this is to my self-awareness, my very being?

There is a lot I do for Fitbit, for my sport. I am very dedicated–so much so that I hope the neighbors haven’t noticed through any open blinds at night.

When I brush my teeth I jog in place. When I wash the dishes I jog in place. This also happens when I wait for my coffee to brew, move the laundry to the dryer, and when I cut apples, an advanced skill I’m very proud to say that I’ve achieved. (It goes something like this: slice, jog jog jog, slice, jog jog jog jog, slice… it’s the only way to fit apple cutting in.)

On days when it’s needed (most ones), I do little jogs as I work around the kitchen, jog-jogging from the oven to the cutting board to the sink, and so on. Once my mom commented what a design problem it is that the refrigerator is so far away from the sink in our kitchen… I grinned and thought, She’s not a real Fitbitter, is she?

A real Fitbitter would see the opportunity in every inefficiency. Forgot your wallet in the car? Oh well, that’s 100 more steps.

Made too few copies of something at work? Oopsies, there’s 300 more steps for you.

Need the apple from the fridge to wash but you’re already at the sink and have to go back across your kitchen? Do that every day for a year and you’re adding a whopping 250,000 steps to your totals.

Have to take two cars for everyone to get to the airport with our luggage? Oh be magnanimous; isn’t it better if you just walk so everyone else fits? It’s a 100,000,000 step goldmine!

A real Fitbitter would also know that jog-jogging in place while folding laundry is like an entire workout, a cashout of steps. Once my ten-year-old sporty son saw me in the middle of such training and criticized, “You’re cheating! You’re only getting steps cause you’re running in place! You’re not actually running!”

“Oh my dear naive son. Just because you do sports that are Olympically-recognized doesn’t give you the right to demean my movement as cheating. You know that everybody expects me to sit down on the sideline in a folding chair for the duration of your soccer game or basketball game getting a big fat 0 number of steps while you run freely back and forth and get like 10,000 steps in an hour, with everybody cheering for you. Can’t you appreciate your step-sucking fortune and not dampen my Fitbitting endorphins here? Someday throngs will tune in on their Apple Watches and cheer for their favorite Fitbitter as they jog-jog their way to their daily step goals, but until then the only option I have to get my steps is jogging in place with the laundry while nobody cheers for me!”

Well, nobody except that little green confetti-exploding circle at the end of the day. It’s so proud of me.




Source link