Homepage / Fake News / FAQ: The Mueller Report - Will Durst, Humor Times
Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04

Fake News

FAQ: The Mueller Report – Will Durst, Humor Times

Will Durst, FAQ: The Mueller Report

To commemorate the opening of the baseball season, it seems fitting that the Special Counsel stepped to the plate, swung and missed with the Mueller Report.

Q. What just happened?

A. After 675 days, 19 lawyers, 40 FBI agents, 500 search warrants, 2800 subpoenas, 13 requests to foreign governments for evidence, Robert Mueller delivered his report to the Attorney General, William Barr, putting the investigation to rest.

Q. With no new indictments?

A. Nope. Just the 34 already filed, with 8 guilty pleas including the president’s former lawyer, first national security advisor, former campaign manager and a slew of top aides.

Q. And what was the overall impression of the final Mueller report?

A. To commemorate the opening of the baseball season, it seems fitting that the Special Counsel stepped to the plate, swung and missed. Three times. On collusion, conspiracy and obstruction. The Mighty Mueller has struck out.

Q. How have Republicans responded to this apparent vindication of the President?

A. The entire Party is performing little pirouettes of joy, toasting each other with champagne, caviar and cigars, while visions of sugar plums dance in their heads.

Q. And the Democrats?

A. Oooh. Sad. Don’t look. They’ve wilted like freshly cut lilies placed in the back window of an 82 Mustang at the Wisconsin State Fair the second week of August.

Q. Would you say they’re disappointed over the revelations or lack thereof?

A. America has become accustomed to historical incidents where the buildup far exceeds the actual event, like the Comet Kohoutek, George McGovern, Michael Jordan’s baseball career, Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark, the jetpack, Star Wars Episode 1, Theranos, Season 2 of True Detective, the Galaxy 7, Ryan Leaf, Google Glass, Y2K and the Edsel.

Q. Not to mention your comedy career?

A. Was that absolutely necessary?

Q. I ask the questions. So where would this particular disappointment rank?

A. Near the top. Somewhere between Geraldo Rivera’s unveiling of Al Capone’s Vault and Howard the Duck the movie. But Democrats are used to it.

Q. Didn’t Mueller himself say this probe is not an exoneration of Trump’s possible obstruction of justice?

A. Yeah, but nobody knows exactly what that means, since we only have William Barr’s 4 page summary of a report that may be thousands of pages long.

Q. What will Barr agree to release?

A. Trump’s newly appointed Attorney General doesn’t look like he’s inclined to release anything more than a few heavily redacted prepositions and maybe a random conjunction or two, patting Congress on the head, saying “don’t worry, nothing to see here. Just move along.”

Q. Will House Democrats go gentle into that good night?

A. You’d have a better chance of seeing piles of sand replace furniture in the next Architectural Digest spread on the living rooms of Houston oil executives.

Q. And the mood of Donald Trump?

A. The President is near delirious, hopping around like a leprechaun, chanting “no collusion, total vindication” over and over in the manner of a parrot with Turrets Syndrome.

Q. Has he changed his tune on the Special Counsel?

A. Indeed. Instead of “a prosecutor gone rogue, aligned with his gang of angry democrats,” now he’s a noble man who has done the country a great service.

Q. So they’re good buddies now?

A. Wouldn’t be surprised if he invites Mueller down to Mar-a-Lago for a few rounds of golf.

Q. Would he still cheat?

A. Probably. Might give him a discount on greens fees though.

The following two tabs change content below.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” The Humor Times says “Durst is the Sage of Satire, the Learned Lampooner, the King of Political Satire!” Check his website for upcoming stand-up performance dates. Will’s books, including Elect to Laugh! A Hilarious, Common Sense Guide to American Politics are available at Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. From Ulysses Press.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish