Homepage / Fake News / Excerpts from Tom DeLonge’s Next UFO Manifesto That are Definitely Not Pleas to Rejoin Blink-182
Jimmy Butler Gives Wolves List Of 29 Preferred Trade Destinations r/Relationships: I suspect that my GF [33] steals monuments GOP Officials Urge Calmer, More Reasonable Death Threats Toward Kavanaugh Accuser Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/18/18 Top 10 Reasons Trump Will Never Step Down ‘Sesame Street’ Writer Backtracks On Claim That Bert And Bernie Gay BBC announces spin -off series for the Bodyguard Weight Loss Hypnosis for Free, if that’s the Sort of Humbug you’re into Report: Make It Stop Stumbling Drunk Chuck Grassley Warns Kavanaugh Accuser She Can Testify All She Wants But No One’s Going To Believe Her Celebrity Slumber Party with Jack Black Trump Makes Light-Hearted Jokes With Dead Bodies Of Hurricane Victims During Visit To Carolinas 4th Grader Panics Upon Realizing Classmate Giving Presentation Had Exact Same Summer As He Did Sensory Homunculus Diagram So Fucking Hot New Beatles Box Set Features 172 Unreleased Songs About Wanting To Hold Hands Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, Will You Give My “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” Spec a Read? The Worst Hurricanes In U.S. History Senate Passes Bipartisan Opioid Legislation Supposedly Educated Professor Has No Idea How To Get Bird Out Of Lecture Hall We Have Proof That Muppets Have Sex and Bert & Ernie Are Gay How I Failed at Being a Gilmore Girl Kavanaugh Shouldn’t Be Held Accountable For Something He Did As White Teenager FEMA Dispatches Crews To Do Whatever They Need To Do To Look Busy Ink-Splattered Trump Boys Counter Media Bias By Hand-Printing Own Newspaper In White House Basement The Best of Precious Plum & Mama PlayStation Classic To Include Friend Who Always Whooped Your Ass To Complete Retro Gaming Experience Shocking Biblical Study Reveals Methushael Did Not Beget Lamech Paul McCartney Releases 18th Solo Album Local Man Unsure If Woman Type Of Lesbian Who Only Dates Women Your #MeToo “Apology” For Yom Kippur Has Been Rejected Ronco and The Franklin Mint Combine with Democratic Party on Commemorative Plate Set Clarence Thomas Returns To Senate As White Man Named Brett My Husband Les Moonvez Gave Us Young Sheldon, And That's Good Enough for Me! By: Julie Chen London Mayor Calls For Second Brexit Referendum Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House Marc Benioff Buys ‘Time’ Magazine For $190 Million White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask Blood-Spattered Sarah Huckabee Sanders Holds Up Huge Dismembered Penis To Prove Presidential Member Completely Normal Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 18, 2018 Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run Is This The Worst Life Hack Ever Made? How to Make an Atom Bomb While Your Roommates Are Out of Town Tips For Long Bike Rides Scientist Close To Developing Life-Saving Vaccine That They Can Rub In Faces Of Their Doubters RuPaul Makes History as Viacom Earns 8 Awards – Viacom Corporate A Massive Storm is Barreling Down on my Family and Conversation with Them Has Never Been Easier Semi-Humorous Meetings with Strange Creatures in the Night The Failing Donald Trump Hires a Posse White Castle Now Selling Veggie Burger Sliders Nationwide The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Buckwheat Luke, Owen Wilson Recall Meeting On Set Of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ Kavanaugh Defends His Originalist Position Fingernail Got Fucking Huge Out Of Nowhere We Want Your House – Howard Zaharoff, Humor Times Cash-Strapped Zuckerberg Forced To Sell 11 Million Facebook Users Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared Emergency Room Admissions To Soar On Trump’s FEMA Text Alert Trial Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court FEMA Airdrops Emergency Cyanide Pills For Residents Stranded By Hurricane Florence Don’t Blame Me, Blame The Stars! GOP Releases New Letter Supporting Kavanaugh Signed By Orrin Hatch 500 Times Steve Bannon Calls #MeToo Most Powerful Political Movement In World Marine Biologists Reveal That Majority Of World’s Oceans Remain Boring As Shit White House Raises Official Hurricane Florence Death Toll To -17 Our Weirdest Sex Misconceptions Koch Brothers Furious Kavanaugh Never Disclosed That Nation Might Care About Sexual Abuse I Read Your Guidelines, But I’m Submitting This Piece That Clearly Isn’t a Fit for Your Publication Because, Well, Just Read It and You’ll See Why Kavanaugh On Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘I Miss High School’ The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 17, 2018 Maxine Waters Fails Hearing Test | You make the news…We report it! Oh no! Elon Musk went on a heroin user's podcast and shot himself full of junk Um, Actually: Star Trek, Schwarzenegger, and Stoker The Pillow Personality Test | Points in Case Donald Trump Claims He’s Found Obama’s ‘Lost Birth Certificate’ There’s Nothing Quite Like Traveling Abroad and Soaking In All the Rich, Authentic Poverty Pope Summons World’s Bishops For Meeting On Sexual Abuse Frat Brothers Draw All Over Pledge Who Passed Away At Party Second Fatwa Issued On Salman Rushdie For Derivative, Uninspired 13th Novel High School Drama Teacher Already Has Pretty Good Idea Who He’ll Pick For Fall Girlfriend The Onion’s 2018 Emmy Predictions Manafort Reaches Plea Deal With Special Counsel Top 5 Most Potent Celery Strains You’re Upset I Broke Into Your House And Stole A Bunch Of Your Shit. Don’t Worry, I’m Donating Everything To Goodwill Scientists Announce They’ve Completed Mapping The Human G-Spot Woman’s Children Officially Old Enough To Pony Up For Good Birthday Gift This Year Mike Pence Struggling To Reckon With Vision Of Prophet Muhammad Revealing That VP Destined To Become Next President 7 Misdemeanors Every College Kid Justifies as Fine Annual “Throw a Paper Airplane at a Mosque Day” Guidelines Released My First day at the Department for Duplicated Departments Casting Bawl Apple Releases Three New iPhones Latest Polls Show Support for Trump Reduced to Mostly Meth Heads The Onion’s 2018 Fall Movie Preview ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens ‘Just Tell Me Whose Feet To Wash’ How Colleges Are Appealing To The Digital Native Generation Trump Redirected Nearly $10 Million In FEMA Funds Toward ICE

Fake News

Excerpts from Tom DeLonge’s Next UFO Manifesto That are Definitely Not Pleas to Rejoin Blink-182

The military official who agreed to speak with us did so on the condition of anonymity. We met at an unassuming diner off the highway, one of those nostalgic places where the waitresses call you “hun” and coffee refills are always free. A staticky radio was wheezing out tunes from the kitchen, the kind of cookie-cutter, mass-produced pop music that’s all too common nowadays.

Kids today think they can just pick up a hot pink Stratocaster, peddle homemade demos outside skateparks for a couple months, and all of a sudden you’re shaking hands with Carson Daly and one of the dudes from BBMak. No, a true punk spirit, the kind that propels you to over 50 million albums sold worldwide, that’s something you’re born with.

And finding two other individuals with that same rebellious spirit, well, that’s rarer than an alien abduction.   

“What exactly,” I asked in between bites of a Denver omelette, “happened in Roswell, New Mexico?”  

After all, considering the fantastic comic accident from which all of humankind burst, why is it so difficult to imagine a similar phenomenon occurring elsewhere in the galaxy? Are we so self-obsessed, so enamored of the concept of our species’ singularity, that we refuse to believe there might be intelligent life beyond our stars?

Furthermore, how could your bandmates of 13 rad-as-hell years up and replace you when all you requested was an indefinite break to go hunt aliens for a living? All those platinum albums, the Hot Topic endorsement deals, the iconic music videos in which we bore our souls and genitalia to the entire MTV Generation—did all of that mean nothing?

Or perhaps I, like the church leaders who’ve conspired for centuries to maintain a massive alien cover-up, was a fool for turning my back on what’s truly important in life: the two best friends a rocker-turned-conspiracy-theorist could ask for. I suppose second chances are a lot like UFOs in that my record label believes in neither. 

As the catalog of eyewitness accounts continues to grow, it becomes more and more difficult to discredit them as a whole. In the extreme case of abduction, individuals have provided testimonies with such striking similarities they constitute irrefutable proof that Earth is routinely visited by otherworldly beings. Our government cannot keep turning a deaf ear to these harrowing experiences, just as we mustn’t ignore the fan outrage over my so-called “replacement” Matt Skiba.

I mean, Alkaline Trio? Really, Hoppus? What, the guitarist from Simple Plan couldn’t take time off from barbacking at Bonefish Grill? Or perhaps Sum 41 was uncomfortable fracturing its lineup so close to county fair season?

Outer space may present an infinite number of impossible questions, but no question is more confounding than what was going through your head when you gave that sellout keys to the sex Winnebago. To our sex Winnebago.

Despite filing several petitions under the Freedom of Information Act, the Pentagon deemed our requests “legally dubious” and “couched between what appear to be histrionic song lyrics.” If the poignant sincerity of “Miss You” doesn’t convince the military to adopt transparency in its UFO investigations, then maybe it will at least inspire Travis to answer my texts.   

In fact, almost every Western religious text references celestial events of unknown origin that, when viewed through a modern lens, suggest the presence of UFOs.

For example, is the Biblical story of Jacob’s ladder one of divine intervention or extraterrestrial contact? Was an angry, omnipotent God responsible for the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, or were the doomed cities leveled by the advanced weaponry of an alien spacecraft?

Regardless of how we choose to wrestle with these questions, it seems to me there’s no more compelling evidence of a higher presence than the unmistakable musical chemistry between three skateboarding-obsessed kids from Southern California. I felt it in every one of Mark’s guitar riffs, Travis’s killer drum solos, each sing-along chorus we penned in the margins of a Playboy swiped from a 7-11. Sometimes it takes years of staring into the sky to see that what you’ve been searching for has been right in front of you, wearing baggy shorts and a novelty trucker hat, the entire time.

God truly is in all the small things.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.