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Fake News

Excerpts from the Harry Potter Series, Reprinted In The Trumpian Translation

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

A tall, oafish man bellowed outside a middle-class family’s beach shack. “Let me in!” he screamed. “I come from another land.”

Uncle Dursley, protected by the Second Amendment, shot the man through the door. The oafish man stumbled inside, wounded.

“Please,” he said, “give this letter to the boy with the scar. He’s been accepted to Hogwarts.”

“And what on God’s 6,000-year-old Earth is that?” Aunt Petunia said.

“It’s—well, how do I…?” the oafish man said. “It’s like a charter school, but for magic, and—”

“Sold!” Uncle Dursley replied, and shooed the boy and the man outside. Invigorated by the rush of shooting a gun, the man then had very good sex with his wife.

Using magic, the oafish man took the boy to Hogwarts. That year, the boy, whose name is Harry, would do lots of things, like make an enemy of the boy with the best hair at Hogwarts, and make fun of a girl for being too smart, and defeat the novel’s antagonist, who wore a purple turban.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

In his second year at Hogwarts, Harry found himself at the wrong place at the wrong time: standing in front of a big, beautiful wall, upon which somebody had written “THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED” in blood.

“Hey, you!” a professor howled at Harry. “Who wrote that?”

“I promise, I don’t know!” Harry said. “The blood might’ve come from … wherever.” The professor’s demeanor shifted. He smirked.

“Good one,” he said. “Periods are so weird.”

“The weirdest!” Harry said. “So, can I go back to my dorm?”

“Absolutely. You seem great,” the professor said, and gave him an A+.

Turns out, the message was written by the ghost of a legendary wizard who’d died trying to kill off those with inferior bloodlines. When he was alive, he was the most famous wizard in the world. Beloved by many. Had a thick accent. We’ll call him V.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“It’s called Azkaban Prison,” the bookish girl told Harry. “Only the meanest criminals find themselves at Azkaban.”

“You need to brush your hair,” Harry said. “But, back to that prison—is it filled with a certain kind of wizard?”

“Only the worst, most vile folk wind up in Azkaban,” the girl said.

“No, no, you’re not understanding,” Harry said. “What do the prisoners typically look like? Like, skin-wise?”

“Well,” the girl said, not fully understanding the question, “there’s tall prisoners, short prisoners, prisoners with hair, prisoners without hair, prisoners with big bellies, prisoners with little bellies, prisoners with—”

“Enough!” Harry said. “Go get me a Diet Coke.”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry was competing in a tournament alongside a foreign national, a girl, and a handsome boy.

The girl became emotional during a swimming challenge because she looked bad in a bathing suit. The foreign national became a threat to society and was disqualified. The handsome boy, sadly, was killed.

After the tournament, V. came back to life. Harry was watching and, though he knew V. was supposed to be his enemy, he couldn’t help but say something.

“I know you were just reincarnated, but I think Hinduism is weird,” Harry said.

“That’s O.K.,” V. said. “I didn’t return through Hinduism. I returned because the majority of wizards want me here.”

“Cool. I have no reason not to believe you,” Harry said, struck by how insanely likable V. was proving to be.

“That’s good to hear, Harry,” V. said. “Do you like my nose?”

“Oh, yeah,” Harry said, silently admiring V.’s cool accent. “It might be the biggest nose I’ve ever seen.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

This one’s about people from different backgrounds coming together to fight for a greater good. Skip!

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Harry found a book filled with violent spells and written by someone called The Half-Blood Prince. The violence of the book made sense to Harry, of course, given the author’s lack of racial purity.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Harry and V., at least publicly, were at odds. While Harry agreed with most of V.’s ideas, he knew he could never admit it, because he’d be fired from being The Legitimately Chosen One Who Was Fairly Elected By The Majority.

And that’s why Harry knew he had to take V. down. Sad!

A war ensued. Blood was shed. Werewolves fought among men. Women fought among men and slowed things down. Finally, Harry and V. faced off. And when it came down to choosing between V. and self-preservation, Harry didn’t hesitate to blow V.’s head off. Really. Thing popped off like a champagne cork. Harry thought he’d feel sad watching V. die, but he just felt relief. Because at the end of the day, V. was a threat to Harry, and nothing was more important to Harry than himself.

The end of the book flashes forward to Harry, now in his 40s, dropping off his son at Hogwarts. Harry, we learn, married his best friend’s younger sister, which shows that weird familial attractions really do come in all forms, Ivanka.

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