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Fake News

Eulogy for Bernard “Bernie” Lomax




Most people know my big brother Bernie as the corpse two deranged maniacs dragged around a Hamptons beach on Labor Day weekend, but he was so much more than that.

Bernie was beloved by everyone who knew him for his generosity. He opened his luxurious beach house to his friends, neighbors, and even his coworkers. I’m told that those closest to him didn’t even realize he was dead that fateful weekend and continued partying at his house as if nothing had happened. While I have to say I find that a little dubious on their part, I would like to believe that Bernie was just that open and giving.

In fact, I’ve noticed that a number of Bernie’s friends here have been talking to his body as if he is still alive, asking him if he wants to get a drink later. It’s very touching, but I’m starting to wonder if there’s something seriously wrong with some of you.

Yes, to the gentleman in the back who just loudly questioned if Bernie is really dead, I assure you he is. This is his funeral. I’m sorry.

Perhaps it’s because everybody loves my brother so much, we can’t process that he’s actually gone. I get it. I still often think about picking up the phone to call Bernie, but then realize I can’t.

Still, you all must have suspected something might be wrong when you saw those two men carrying him around, right? Then again, why would anybody drag a dead body all over the beach? How could they do such a monstrous thing?!

Excuse me. I told myself I wouldn’t dwell on the “incident.” Bernie deserves more.

One thing Bernie was great at, was dancing. And I’m not talking about the spell that voodoo queen cast on his lifeless body that made it move to music the second time those two sickos stole his body. Bernie was a great dancer when he was alive. Ballroom dancing, salsa dancing, the tango – he could do it all. And yes, I guess I would be remiss to leave out that he was quite the dancer after he passed. I hear some of you in attendance only met Bernie after he died, in a conga line.

You know, I could maybe understand if the men who desecrated my brother’s body did it for some justifiable reason, like to clear their names, which they had to do the first time they dragged him around pretending he was still alive. But the second time they did it, they did it out of greed! Those two psychos stole his body from the morgue, shoved him into a suitcase, and flew him to a Caribbean island all to find his rumored buried treasure!

How fucking vile do you have to be to do such a thing? And everyone treated them like lovable scamps! To this day, they have faced no criminal charges or any other consequences for their actions. What is wrong with the world?

I’m sorry. I’m still emotional about everything that happened. Where was I?

One thing we should definitely remember about Bernie – excuse me, we’re in the middle of a funeral. Hey, what are you guys doing? Oh my God, it’s those psychos who stole Bernie’s body! Twice!

They’re trying to take Bernie again! Leave my brother alone you freaks! Put him back in his coffin! Haven’t you two done enough?!

Why is no one stopping them!? Stop laughing! I know it looks like Bernie is smirking and enjoying himself, but he’s not!

Don’t form a conga line behind him! You all know for a fact he’s dead this time!

Where are you taking him? Oh God why does this keep happening!?

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