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Fake News

EPIC FAIL! This Noble Laureate Doesn’t Know How to Operate an Industrial-Grade Thresher

LOL! 2014 Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai has no idea how to control grain harvesting equipment as conventional as a stationary sorghum thresher! Can you say fail much?

Despite being the youngest Nobel laureate EVER, Malala lacks even an inkling as to the hydraulic mechanisms employed by a now centuries-old threshing apparatus used worldwide. DA FUQ?

Duh, Malala is a full-on humanitarian ROCK STAR. But can you believe that in her decade-plus mobilizing for women’s education in the Middle East and South Asia, she hasn’t once spent an afternoon removing seeds of grain from their stalks and husks? Ummm… WUT?!?

Like, not even during Talibani occupation of her native Swat Valley in northwest Pakistan was she given access to a pedal-powered thresher or a horse-drawn binder? HOW IS THAT A THING???

Queen Malala is bae, but this thresher thing is, like, problematic. We (the woke Internet) know that college isn’t for everyone. Commercial-grade grain threshers represent a way out for many young people who aren’t privileged enough to enter six-figure debt in pursuit of a better life.

As a public figure, she’s now a bad person since we found out that she doesn’t use her platform to promote vocational schools, apprenticeships, or the agricultural arts for young women escaping child wedlock and domestic servitude. There’s like a zilli girls in Mumbai who would do anything for the opportunity to top off the tank of a John Deere pull-type combine thresher with raw diesel fuel and begin reaping millet, and Malala sits idly by and contributes to their spiral of silence. UGH!

In fact, here is a list of other large-scale farming machineries Malala wouldn’t be able to name by sight alone, demonstrating the depth of her disdain for those without a post-secondary education, and the reason why we should no longer admire her and should, in fact, condemn her:

• Rotavator
• Subsoiler
• Cultipacker
• Terragator
• Blemish Sorter
• Buckrake (for silage making)
• Haulm Topper
• Reaper-binder (or its replacement, the Swather)

Wow. This piece began as a wacky, winky-eyed celebration of the FEMI-GODDESS that is Nobel Laureate Malala Yousafzai and her charming lack of tech savvy, but it has since become a brutal, no takebacks exposé on why she’s actually icky and how Twitter should un-verify her.

This is the power of journalism. It’s officially time to hate her now.

On the other hand…

You know how everyone has their friend Jenn who does social for the PR firm of Tupperware and she’s freaking career goals but somehow she doesn’t know who Steve Jobs is? Maybe Malala is like the Nobel Prize’s Jenn and industrial-grade threshers are her Steve Jobs…

That would be ADORBS!

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