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Fake News

Emails Between God and His IT Guy



To: Ezekiel, IT Department
From: God
Today 11:23 am

Subject: can you look into this?

Hey Zeke—

Seeing as how My word is a light to your path, can you please run some diagnostics on the global morality algorithm before close of business? It seems to be on the fritz again. The alt-right power index is screwy, the authoritarian trendlines are headed in the totally wrong direction, and the inequality indicators are bonkers.

I know you have a lot on your plate, so I haven’t wanted to bug you about this (pun very much intended :)). But I, who have made the heavens and the earth by My great power, am getting a little freaked out.

-G

Creator, Infinite Spirit, Thought Leader


To: God
From: Ezekiel, IT Department
Today 11:47 am

Subject: Re: can you look into this?

Jeh-bro-vah! Ugh. I checked the logs, and there does seem to be some unusual activity in the Fair and Just Consequences module. It’s possible the recent Windows upgrade introduced a new security flaw. I’ll look into it after lunch (Bathsheba brought in cupcakes!)


To: Ezekiel, IT Department
From: God
Today 12:22 pm

Subject: Re: Re: can you look into this?

I know I always say this, and My word is firmly fixed in the heavens, but it really is starting to feel like the security breach in 1939. Frankly, we just can’t afford that kind of backlash again. It’s a bad look. I don’t understand why these neo-nazis haven’t been auto-scourged yet?

-G

Creator, Infinite Spirit, Thought Leader


To: God
From: Ezekiel, IT Department
Today 12:25 pm

Subject: Re: Re: can you look into this?

I’ll check the wrath deployment script. It’s super complicated and hasn’t been refactored since Ivan the Terrible died of natural causes before we could send in the locusts.

Don’t worry, Big Man, we’ll figure this out. (By the way, You really should come downstairs to level 5 to get a cupcake.)


To: Ezekiel, IT Department
From: God
Today 12:29 pm

Subject: idea

Just had a devil’s food cupcake (Bathsheba is such a temptress!) and it gave Me an idea.

Is there any way this could be Lucifer again? It seems like his black hats are always one step ahead of us. That DDoS attack really screwed us during the U.S. Civil Rights Movement. He thought he was so clever with his Denial of Lunch Counter Service attack. He’s learned nothing from his time in the lake of burning sulfur! Sheesh.

Anyway, can you look for signs of malicious entry?

-G

Creator, Infinite Spirit, Thought Leader


To: God
From: Ezekiel, IT Department
Today 12:36 pm

Subject: Re: idea

Those cupcakes are :fire emoji:. I had two. Sorry not sorry.

We mitigated that risk when we moved our cyber attack solution to a terabit-scale cloud deployment after the Apartheid exploit in ‘94. But I’ll check the incident reports.


To: Ezekiel, IT Department
From: God
Today 1:32 pm

Subject: Re: Re: idea

I have existed since before earth and time began, but I’d still love an update before you head out.

-G

Creator, Infinite Spirit, Thought Leader


To: God
From: Ezekiel, IT Department
Today 1:47 pm

Subject: Aha!

Sorry, boss. Just finished reviewing the vulnerability scans. The Rewards and Punishments script is throwing hundreds of errors—everything from corrupt politicians to killer cops to skeevy Hollywood execs. It looks like the problem isn’t a hack, but rather a depreciation in the global morality index. It’s pretty bad.

I hate to say it, but You might need to intervene.


To: Ezekiel, IT Department
From: God
Today 1:50 pm

Subject: Re: Aha!

Zeke, I can pierce to the division of soul and of spirit, and discern the thoughts and intentions of your heart, but…are you saying what I think you’re saying?. :-/

-G

Creator, Infinite Spirit, Thought Leader


To: God
From: Ezekiel, IT Department
Today 1:51 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Aha!

‘Fraid so. I know you’d prefer to do things Yah-weh (get it?), but it’s definitely the right call.


To: Ezekiel, IT Department
From: God
Today 1:52 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Aha!

Haha. Very good, Zeke.

Sigh. This is unfortunate. You know how I do so love the world—and don’t get me started on the sacrifices I’ve made!

But OK, I’ll initiate the reboot sequence. Should’ve known to turn it off and on again.

Thanks, Zeke. Why don’t you take the rest of the decade off.

-G

Creator, Infinite Spirit, Thought Leader

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