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Fake News

Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job!

“Mr. Musk said he had no plans to relinquish his dual roles as chairman and chief executive. But, he added, ‘if you have anyone who can do a better job, please let me know. They can have the job. Is there someone who can do the job better? They can have the reins right now.’”
—The New York Times

Mr. Musk —

Regarding your plea for someone to take over your job, I would like to state that not only can I do the job, I’m unemployed and can start on Monday—once I move out of my friend’s apartment and get my car out of the tow lot. I can remove all my stuff from storage when I get my first paycheck.

Yeah, I know all those high-powered billionaires are probably calling. But sometimes you need to find that diamond in the rough, buried under whatever the rough is.

Elon, that’s me.

First of all, I love batteries! I collect them, and not just your old AAAs. Cell phone batteries, remote control car batteries, laptop batteries, hearing aid batteries, you name it! I love to cut them open with a hacksaw just to see what’s inside. With car batteries, I really learned about the wicked toxicity of a block of lead dioxide and sulfuric acid. I once touched 200 car batteries all wired together as a back-up for my friend’s dad’s DIY data center. I felt some weird electricity going through my body and from then on I knew: batteries are the shit. That’s what started my unique and growing collection of thousands and thousands of different kinds of batteries, from all over the world, which I keep in storage bins all over the country.

I also used to build model rockets, another totally Elonian trait. Once I put a bunch of ants and a mouse in a rocket’s payload section. They all came down alive! Well, the mouse ate some of the ants, but it was very cool to open it up and see them all scurry away after their trip to space. Maybe not space, but pre-space at about 3,000 feet up, but hey, I was like 13! I’m still into rockets but they’re way bigger now so I keep them in storage bins with the batteries.

I know all about your girlfriend, Grimes, and here’s where we match up perfectly—my girlfriend is also totally getting her music together. She just released a mixtape of some dope tracks of sorta EDM synth pop with her cray vocals on top of it. She can program the shit out of any sequencer and she just DJed at The Meatwall and they want her to come back on weekends. And if you’re DJing The Meatwall on weekends, well, that pretty much means you’re on your way.

You’re probably wondering, what sort of management skills does this guy have to run Tesla? Rest assured, I’m just like you: all over the place. You got where you are by doing a lotta stuff all at once and not listening to anyone. Me too: I never listened to my parents and got kicked out when I was 17. Lived with some friends until my bro and I started a transmission repair shop when I was friggin 18! Then we started doing auto body work. Then I quit that because my bro became not just a bro, but also a dick. So I traveled around for a while, taking odd jobs like working at Dunkin Donuts and painting houses. This is when I really learned I wanted to be an executive and manage a business. Everywhere I went, I talked to people about managing a business: what is it? How do you do it? Who’s really bad at it? Then I got a job at Radio Shack and within less than a year, I was an assistant manager because the manager quit. Then Radio Shack went out of business so I started my own business repairing computers, and transmissions, and painting houses, and sometimes working at Dunkin Donuts, and doing some auto body work whenever, and also learning how to mix tracks with my GF (who’s totally hot BTW and has tats all over the left side of her body and mad piercings).

Doesn’t that sound just like you?

Oh, one other thing that is so totally Muskian. I love going on water slides at the SlappySplash water park! Everybody clears out when I go through “The Guntlet,” which is this spirally, tubular, mad crazy aquatic slide with two 360s and a gnarly dip at the end. They have to make an announcement when I’m coming through because of how I do. I know you also have some kinda ride or tube or something. I’d be stoked to be in charge of that puppy.

Lastly, because of some of the places I’ve worked, I’ve already done background checks and I’m drug and disease free. You can trust me, but I’m sure you have to check that stuff out too so I’m down.

Why go picking out some already-a-billionaire CEO when you can find someone guy who really knows computers (Windows, Linux and Mac, BTW) and rockets and batteries and tunnels? What can go wrong?

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