Homepage / Fake News / Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job!
This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference Government Shutdowns By The Numbers FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee 2005 Minnesota Vikings (with Rob O'Connor) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over A Computer Co-Wrote this Sketch Christmas Really Over, Man Realizes As iPhone Game Switches Out Holiday Icon R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over List: Chuck Norris Would Like to Revisit His Facts Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs Tips To Become a Better Job Hunter & Gatherer I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass White Nationalists Accuse Google of Anti-Nazi Bias When He Doesn't Get the Hint [Full Episode] The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up Let Me and the 10 Demons That Possess Me Host the Oscars Locker Rooms Bilbo Gets Trolled The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘I’ve Never Had Sex’ Interview Pt 2 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instant Pot Recipes for Angering Everyone The Humor Times Needs Your Help! The Trump Family Intervention – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley and Former Senator Orrin Hatch A Day in the Life of Timothée Chalamet’s Stylist Oh No, Did We Hurt Brennan's Feelings? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits: ‘I’ve Never Had Real Sex!’ | You make the news…We report it! List: Official Ranking of Every Hollywood “Chris” Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class This Amazing New Anti-Bullying Campaign Reminds Kids That Even Though Bullying Might Be Fun, Rewarding, And Cool, It Can Sometimes Make You Tired List: What to Expect With Your First 18-Year-Old War I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason Fantasy High Binge Compilation (Episodes 1 – 8) I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast TSA Guy Circling Stuff On Boarding Pass With Reckless Abandon Advisory Group : “Being Speaker of the House Doesn’t Mean You Always Have to Have Your Mouth Open” Feeling Smart is the New Smart I’m Concerned My Cult Isn’t Sacrificing Enough Virgins Creating Rounded Characters (with Lou Wilson) You've NEVER Seen Star Wars?! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Enemy Rita Repulsa Is Her Mother CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks The Monster Under My Bed Is Addicted to His iPhone Study: Most Teens Who Respond to Acne Treatment Still Ugly After Xmas Gift Wish List Where Is AI Driving Us? The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules on What Can & Cannot Be Humped Science and History Get Weird in WHAT THE F 101 [Official Trailer] Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 8, 2019 Tumbleweed Of Pubes Rolls Through Desolate Dorm Bathroom President Ends Shutdown After Disruption To Nation's Cheeseburger Supply Line Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job! This Turkey is a Total TILF The State Nicknames Convention | Points in Case You Don't Actually Need a Menu It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It How My Wife Improved Robert Frost’s Most Famous Poem An Amazon Warehouse Worker’s Year-In-Review Analytics Lin Manuel Miranda Said He’d Kill My Family If I Didn’t Inspire You This Morning Instructions for the True Crime Podcast Producers Investigating My Unsolved Murder A Planet Full of Appetizers The Body Isn’t a Wonderland: Some Suggestions to Improve Pregnancy My Resolutions for You in 2019 8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Play God (That Aren’t Some Bullshit About Morality) Don't Bother Fixing Your Problems Happy New Year! Get Your Shit Together and Buy a Planner Mitt Romney: The President of the United States Has the Responsibility to At Least Pretend to Be a Good Person Dow Jones Slips into ‘Rape and Pillage’ Market List: Less-Subtle Pre-Filled Opt-Out Insults Fantasy High Cast Reflects on Season One The Pros and Cons of Owning Different Pets A Few Quick Notes About Your Son’s “Tree #2” Role in His 6th Grade Play, From Me, The Lead’s Mother List: 10 Ways to Make Grandma’s Physician-Assisted Suicide Family Get-Together More Fun Writing a Public Apology? Clappy is Here to Help! Your New Year's Resolutions Never Change Getting My Just Desserts: Diet Myths Debunked DIY Democracy – Jim Hightower, Humor Times NBC Aires Chrissy Teigen’s Steamed Vagina Health Tips Live During New Years Eve Telecast

Fake News

Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job!



“Mr. Musk said he had no plans to relinquish his dual roles as chairman and chief executive. But, he added, ‘if you have anyone who can do a better job, please let me know. They can have the job. Is there someone who can do the job better? They can have the reins right now.’”
—The New York Times

Mr. Musk —

Regarding your plea for someone to take over your job, I would like to state that not only can I do the job, I’m unemployed and can start on Monday—once I move out of my friend’s apartment and get my car out of the tow lot. I can remove all my stuff from storage when I get my first paycheck.

Yeah, I know all those high-powered billionaires are probably calling. But sometimes you need to find that diamond in the rough, buried under whatever the rough is.

Elon, that’s me.

First of all, I love batteries! I collect them, and not just your old AAAs. Cell phone batteries, remote control car batteries, laptop batteries, hearing aid batteries, you name it! I love to cut them open with a hacksaw just to see what’s inside. With car batteries, I really learned about the wicked toxicity of a block of lead dioxide and sulfuric acid. I once touched 200 car batteries all wired together as a back-up for my friend’s dad’s DIY data center. I felt some weird electricity going through my body and from then on I knew: batteries are the shit. That’s what started my unique and growing collection of thousands and thousands of different kinds of batteries, from all over the world, which I keep in storage bins all over the country.

I also used to build model rockets, another totally Elonian trait. Once I put a bunch of ants and a mouse in a rocket’s payload section. They all came down alive! Well, the mouse ate some of the ants, but it was very cool to open it up and see them all scurry away after their trip to space. Maybe not space, but pre-space at about 3,000 feet up, but hey, I was like 13! I’m still into rockets but they’re way bigger now so I keep them in storage bins with the batteries.

I know all about your girlfriend, Grimes, and here’s where we match up perfectly—my girlfriend is also totally getting her music together. She just released a mixtape of some dope tracks of sorta EDM synth pop with her cray vocals on top of it. She can program the shit out of any sequencer and she just DJed at The Meatwall and they want her to come back on weekends. And if you’re DJing The Meatwall on weekends, well, that pretty much means you’re on your way.

You’re probably wondering, what sort of management skills does this guy have to run Tesla? Rest assured, I’m just like you: all over the place. You got where you are by doing a lotta stuff all at once and not listening to anyone. Me too: I never listened to my parents and got kicked out when I was 17. Lived with some friends until my bro and I started a transmission repair shop when I was friggin 18! Then we started doing auto body work. Then I quit that because my bro became not just a bro, but also a dick. So I traveled around for a while, taking odd jobs like working at Dunkin Donuts and painting houses. This is when I really learned I wanted to be an executive and manage a business. Everywhere I went, I talked to people about managing a business: what is it? How do you do it? Who’s really bad at it? Then I got a job at Radio Shack and within less than a year, I was an assistant manager because the manager quit. Then Radio Shack went out of business so I started my own business repairing computers, and transmissions, and painting houses, and sometimes working at Dunkin Donuts, and doing some auto body work whenever, and also learning how to mix tracks with my GF (who’s totally hot BTW and has tats all over the left side of her body and mad piercings).

Doesn’t that sound just like you?

Oh, one other thing that is so totally Muskian. I love going on water slides at the SlappySplash water park! Everybody clears out when I go through “The Guntlet,” which is this spirally, tubular, mad crazy aquatic slide with two 360s and a gnarly dip at the end. They have to make an announcement when I’m coming through because of how I do. I know you also have some kinda ride or tube or something. I’d be stoked to be in charge of that puppy.

Lastly, because of some of the places I’ve worked, I’ve already done background checks and I’m drug and disease free. You can trust me, but I’m sure you have to check that stuff out too so I’m down.

Why go picking out some already-a-billionaire CEO when you can find someone guy who really knows computers (Windows, Linux and Mac, BTW) and rockets and batteries and tunnels? What can go wrong?

List submissions are now accepted. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish