Homepage / Fake News / Economy Hotel Chain Celebrates 100 Days Since Last Homicide With Double Award Points
Impact Of Global Insect Decline Knicks Confident They Have The Cap Space To Ruin 2 Or 3 Promising Careers Trump Installs Room-Sized Golf Simulator In White House Trump Confirms All Violent Options On The Table In Venezuela These Penguins Hump Corpses Join The Gentleman’s Club | Points in Case Karl Lagerfeld Horrified By Uninspired, Garish Tunnel Of Light Coming Toward Him Death Of Sailor In Iconic VJ-Day Photo Reminds Americans Of Halcyon Days When Wars Still Ended Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 19, 2019 List: More Fun Facts About the Harry Potter Universe, From JK Rowling Taco Hell Rules for a Silicon Valley High School Dance in 2029 Trump Memes: The Ideas Just Keep Presenting Themselves! U. S. Constitution’s Medical Record The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Kellyanne and George Conway Coworkers Agog As Employee Introduces New Shirt Into Rotation U.K. Passes Bill Making ‘Upskirting’ Illegal Archaeology Isn't Sexy Man Always Makes Sure To Put Phone On Silent Before Misplacing It A Viking's Peace Major Strasser of the Third Reich Trashes Rick’s Cafe on Yelp Aunt Scores Big With Nephews By Dropping Bombshell Story About Mom Smoking Weed As Teenager ‘Aquaman 2’ Announced The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 18, 2019 List: New Tracks Dropped By Kremlin-Approved Rappers Things That Used to Be Fun in High School, But Aren’t Anymore Saudis Revoke Ladies’ Right to Drive after Woman Cited for Illegal Turn Bring Unto Me Now This Kingly Delight! When It Comes to Waiting, I’m a Natural Female Brains More Youthful Than Male Ones An Open Apology From Fred Durst, Who Did Not Mean to Do it All for The Nookie Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Criticized For Preventing 25,000 New York Evictions Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation Just Pretend It's a Laser Ann Coulter Attacks Trump For Cowardly Backing Down From Full On Race War Meet Cute with a Ghost Beached Whale Trying To Hold On Until Sea Levels Rise What the Fuck is Wrong With You? Chef Justice Luigi Vespucci Issues Spicy Dissent On Puttanesca V. Arrabiata Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency List: What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You NYPD Deploys New Line Of Plain Clothes Cop Cars Warnings about My Small Town from a Local Intellectual Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day ‘Wait, Mr. Bezos, You Forgot Your Tax Subsidy!’ Says Andrew Cuomo Running Behind Limo Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches El Chapo Given Life Sentence Leeches, Exes, and Loans [Full Episode] I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates Boss Makes Lipstick Prints On Paychecks For Valentine’s Day Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night This Actually Good News, Contractor Reveals, Because Now You Know The Real Problem List: 10 Male Variants of “Resting Bitch Face” Tips For Enjoying Valentine’s Day If You’re Single Woman Wakes Husband Up On Valentine’s Day With Hot Surprise Blowtorch The Galentine’s Day Massacre | Points in Case ‘Deep State’? Or Is It More Likely a ‘Deep Oligarchy’? The State of the Union Aftermath A Bountiful Harvest Takes Work Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs) Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide ‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained Never Thought I’d Say This, But I, John Wick, Would Like More Gun Control Falling Suicide Rates Leave Researchers Baffled Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 12, 2019 Heart On Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House Congress Agrees To $1.3 Billion For Protective Border Fencers Angry, Ranting Twitter User Really Needs To Move Out Of Parents’ Basement Where the Hell are All the Snowmen? 5 Things To Know About Amy Klobuchar Rock, Paper, Stabbing Contest Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness Why People Are Fascinated By True Crime Stories Things @fuckjerry Stole From Me Get the New Khloe Kardashian Look for Just 250K! It’s About Time – fancy pants , Humor Times The White House is Looking for a ‘Few Good Cartoonists’

Fake News

Economy Hotel Chain Celebrates 100 Days Since Last Homicide With Double Award Points

Dear Rewards Members,

As you’re probably aware (as evidence by slumping reservations, nationwide), our chain had a spell of bad publicity during the third quarter with the widely-publicized federal drug raid at our San Antonio location (where for three days, staff kept the hard-working DEA agents caffeinated with free, bottomless cups of our signature coffee blend), and then again in Terre Haute when some loyal rewards members with a keen sense of smell, discovered the decaying remains of Betty Henson—long-time member of our housecleaning staff—interred in a makeshift tomb, cut out of the box springs of our much-beloved therapeutic beds (always available for purchase by following the link at the bottom of our homepage).

But it’s not all doom-and-gloom here at The Lodge! It’s now been 100 days since the last reported homicide at a Lay-Z-Lodge! And you know what that means? That’s right, it’s double-points award time! In honor of our murder-free 100 days, you’ll receive double points for every night you stay at a Lay-Z-Lodge location in the U.S., Canada, and Mexico (our new Juarez location is finally open, and all Rewards Members get a free armed escort to the parking lot).

You’ll recall I shared the news of Betty’s passing in the August edition of our newsletter, The Lodger. Betty was remembered by her Terre Haute coworkers and former guests as a woman of few words who could mostly be trusted around prescription medications and electronics left out in the open, and she was quick to replace facial soaps, packets of our world-famous lavender-scented shampoo & conditioner, and the “hand lotion” so popular with our male guests—no questions asked. As you know from news reports, a purported member of a drug cartel unexpectedly returned to his room and happened upon poor Betty “sticking her nose where it don’t belong.” We don’t have to recount the grisly details here, suffice to say it involved the cord from a bedside lamp, Gideon’s Bible, and a courtesy ball-point pen with our toll-free reservation number for quick, effortless reservations (800-Rest-N-PZ).

If you Google “Lay-Z-Lodge” and keywords such as “disemboweled,” “execution-style,” or “beheading” you will no doubt return lurid search results related to our Secaucus, Fort Lauderdale, and Altoona locations. Take heed that your safety remains our highest priority and so last year, we’ve implemented a companywide mandate requiring a 24-hour security presence at all of our 500 hotels.

We’d be remiss if we didn’t acknowledge the ritualistic slaying of security officer Barney Ramirez at the Altoona location. Also, we again sincerely apologize to Rewards Members the Risoli Family and their 11-year-old son, Jakob, who had the misfortune of finding Barney’s head in the pool. I want to assure Rewards Members that we are now extending the free counseling to all members and not just Gold-Level as was the case following past homicides.

Also, we’d like to point out that prior to Barney’s tragic death in the line of duty (attempting to stop thieves from stealing an entire stack of courtesy copies of USA Today), it had been 97 days since the last murder (so close!). On a related note, we have yet to fill Barney’s position in Altoona, so if you or anyone you know is interested in a fast-paced and rewarding career in hotel security, please contact us for an immediate interview. Remember, employees are eligible for such perks as up to 50% off their stay at any one of our “high-risk” locations (as deemed by the National Crime Index) after their first 90 days of continuous employment.

Also, while it has been 100 days since our last homicide, it’s been 324 days since the last guest-related murder which I point out, was the result of a domestic dispute and not a random act of violence—though a Houston software salesman in the next room was injured by a stray bullet (but we’re happy to report his recovery is going well and he’s expected to walk again). Way to go, Kevin!

You’ll all recall the controversy over last year’s 100-day celebration that was unfortunately called off when forensics results ultimately showed the body found behind the dumpster of our Albany airport location (which now boasts a newly renovated fitness room) had been a guest, that the strangulation marks on his neck likely caused his death, and that though his decaying corpse was found after 100 days had passed, time of death was weeks earlier. When Rewards Members responded to our revocation of the double points award with a class action suit, we listened. We not only reversed our decision and awarded double points, we went a step further and made Cinemax available in every room. That’s right. Rewards Members now enjoy the latest Hollywood hits and premium after dark adult content on us!

As always, remember Lay-Z-Lodge for your next trip, where we’ve hosed down all of the blood, washed away the chalk lines, and cut away the police tape.  We’re ready for your arrival, and while we won’t “leave the light on for you,” we recommend that you do—for safety reasons.

Be well,

CEO of Lay-Z-Lodge, Inc.

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.