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Fake News

“Eat, Pray, Love” Your Festivus

I’m all for self-discovery now! But do you want to end up like the countless others who were inspired by Eat, Pray, Love to quit their jobs and rack up multiple-vacations worth of credit card debt, only to return home and wonder if New Self was a good return on investment? No, you don’t! And listen, I know that old man from the movie trailer told Julia Roberts she would lose all her money then get it all back, but of course she will—she’s Julia Roberts. That vein in her forehead can act its ass off!

Instead, use the anti-consumerist principles of Festivus as an excuse to lock yourself in your home alone and go on a fiscally-responsible journey of self-discovery in just twenty-four hours!

“I want to go someplace where I can marvel at something.”

Perfect! It’s time to head to the bathroom since that shower curtain rod is basically a horizontal (and free) Festivus Pole, and there’s plenty to marvel at nearby. Have you ever looked inside the back of the toilet? Did you know the ballcock was patented by a man named Thomas Crapper? No, I’m not joking! Toilets are fascinating, just like Julia Roberts’s mouth, but let’s not forget why you came here: to turn something with purpose into something symbolic. If a shower curtain rod can reinvent itself, so can you!

“This is my no-carb-left-behind experiment.”

Festivus is a weird celebration, so it’s fitting to just eat whatever you can find, everything you can find. All the better if it seems like too much (like when Julia played Tess-pretending-to-be-Julia in Ocean’s 12). You need to make room for all the new things you’ll be bringing into your life, like the possibility of homemade pasta. You’ll consider making it but decide it probably wouldn’t even taste that great and then you’d regret the $25 spent on a pasta maker, so instead you’ll heat up a can of bulk Spaghetti-Os and put on My Best Friend’s Wedding. Sure, Mystic Pizza would be more fitting, but rejecting convention is a crucial aspect of both Festivus and Eat, Pray, Love (as far as I can tell from the trailer), so great work, New You!

“If you could clear out all the space in your mind, you’d have a doorway.”

Enter the airing of grievances! In a traditional Festivus you’d be telling your loved ones how they’ve disappointed you. But exhaustively berating yourself is a much better way to unearth some hard truths, like the fact that you love Ocean’s 12 and have never seen Steel Magnolias. Clear out some space in your head by saying everything out loud, as loud as you can! Aren’t you glad you’re finally recognizing that what you really need is a second income so you can relax enough to be adorably bad at singing while taking a bath, just like Julia in Pretty Woman?

“I used to have this appetite for my life, and it is just gone.”

This makes sense since you ate every item of food you own, including those expired gummy vitamins you got on clearance and a jar of peanut butter with an expensive stick up its ass (also known as almond butter). But what better way to work up an appetite than with feats of strength in which you wrestle the head of the household to the ground (that’s you!). You’ve beaten yourself up emotionally, but journeys must be physical, too. Like when Julia and Hugh top off an emotionally raw dinner with friends by climbing over a fence into a beautiful garden in Notting Hill. File that one in your cheap-date-ideas folder, and go for the headlock!

“I wanted to find my balance.”

It’s hard to say if your journey of self-discovery has been as rewarding as Julia’s since they don’t show that in the trailer, so why not practice your new-found balance between soul-crushingly frugal and “someone else can have those sidewalk pennies” by treating yourself to a standard-definition digital copy of Eat, Pray, Love for $9.99 on Amazon? Happy Festivus!

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