Homepage / Fake News / Due to Unforeseen Circumstances, We Are Ending the “Kids Eat Free If They Can Kick the Manager’s Ass” Special
Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall) The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2019 Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him 5 Things To Know About The Orchids Of Asia Day Spa Controversy Choni Francis on Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter I'm Comfortable, Not Soft My Week as an Assistant to Andy Warhol During the “Oxidation” Series

Fake News

Due to Unforeseen Circumstances, We Are Ending the “Kids Eat Free If They Can Kick the Manager’s Ass” Special

Dear Valued Customers,

We here at Snoochie Boochies, the only restaurant themed around the films of Kevin Smith, have a lot of respect for our customers. (What we don’t have respect for are the cease and desist letters Mr. Smith keeps sending us. You want us to stop profiting off of your work, Kevin? Get your Jersey-boy ass down here and say it to either my face or to the faces of the seventeen employees whose healthcare I refuse to pay for.)

We were blown away by our customers’ enthusiasm for the “Kids Eat Free If They Can Kick the Manager’s Ass” special. Unfortunately, we have decided to discontinue it indefinitely. We understand that this is in direct opposition to our advertising campaign, in which I said, “You have my word we will never, ever discontinue this special because I am not a coward.”

It would appear that I am a coward. But sometimes the bravest thing you can do is admit you are a coward. Therefore, I am not a coward.

What started as a fun way to encourage diners to bring their whole family down to Snoochie Boochies (and if we’re being honest, get some single mothers to think of me as good husband material by showing off my threshold for physical abuse at the hands of their spawn) quickly snowballed into a cavalcade of injuries, medical bills, and me denouncing my religion because no God would allow someone to suffer like this.

I’m not sure if I underestimated the strength of the average 10-year-old or if I overestimated my own strength. All I know is that the doctors have diagnosed me with “early onset droopy ass syndrome,” a condition that is contracted from getting your butt whooped too many times and is also irreversible. I had to give away my favorite pair of pleather basketball shorts the other day since they no longer fit; my booty is so flat that they slide right off when I try to pull them on, no matter how tight I tie the drawstring.

Anyway, if a 10-year-old is strong enough to kick my ass, they probably need larger portions than what is available on the kids’ menu to satisfy their hunger. Someone who is able to lift me over their head, spin me around like a helicopter, and throw me into a dumpster needs more sustenance than three Chasing Amy chicken fingers and a handful of Fatman on Batman fries.

In fact, many voracious youths exploited the offer for this very reason. It is partly my fault, because instead of specifying one meal per child, the rules stipulate one meal per ass-kicking. Some kids would come in here and kick my ass three or four times for lunch, then come back a few hours later and kick my ass another few times for dinner.

Perhaps worst of all, I have lost the respect of my employees. The other day, I asked a staff member to clean the Zack room (as our fans know, we call the men’s room the “Zack” room and the women’s room the “Miri room”). He picked me up, covered me in bleach, and used my entire body like a sponge to scrub the floor. This is the kind of thing that wears on a person’s self-esteem, especially when it happens multiple times a week.

I know I was talking a pretty big game earlier when I challenged Kevin Smith to come down here, but that was all for show. I really hope he doesn’t. This morning he sent me an oversized hockey jersey and told me that he was going to use it as a body bag for my corpse when he gets through with me. I’m really scared because if a bunch of children can deliver a beatdown of epic proportions upon me, just imagine what a middle-aged indie filmmaker with a knack for writing snappy dialogue about sex and pop culture could do.

I now see that it was my hubris to which I have fallen victim. Each tiny fist punched into my gut is a reminder of this. The other night a boy whose parents were going through a divorce showed up to the restaurant and really worked out some of his frustrations on me. When I founded this restaurant, I never expected that a fourth grader would waterboard me with “Yoga Hosers” house dressing. As I was washing the dried remains of it out of my goatee (which I grew as an homage to Dante from Clerks), I realized I had hit rock bottom. Something simply had to change.

That is why we have unveiled a new special to replace the old one; kids, so long as they are able to provide proof that they are ten years old or younger (I have grown suspicious that some of these “kids” are actually full grown adults who are simply wearing propeller hats and holding oversized lollipops), will get a free drink if they resemble Kevin Smith from twenty feet away or less.

Here at Snoochie Boochies, we want to encourage the next generation of cinematic talent, and we’re doing it the only way we know how: by rewarding children who look like middle-aged men. And that’s a Snoochie Boochies guarantee.

List submissions are now accepted. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.