Homepage / Fake News / Dude-Bro in Coma Since 1998 Wants to “Get Jiggy With It”
‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole

Fake News

Dude-Bro in Coma Since 1998 Wants to “Get Jiggy With It”

Waaazzzzuuuppp? What’s the 4-1-1, my peeps? This here’s your boy, Trevor. I’ve been out of circulation for the past twenty years thanks to a falling safe on the old noggin (ouch!) that left me in what “doctors” call a “vegetative state.” You can’t see me, but I’m doing the old air quotes which I’m now able to do thanks to regaining full use of my arms and hands (look out ladies, am I right? Your boy, Trevor, is awake, alert, and ready to mingle). That’s right; this here is a booty call going out to all of the little hotties… Trevor’s no longer trapped in an ethereal limbo.

I’m back, girls. Let’s get jiggy with it!

Do I make you horny? Yeah, baby! I’m dealing with a little cognitive dissociation that’s causing me to refer to myself in the third person, though my “doctors” tell me it’s just temporary. Trevor’s got his feeding tube out and he’s ready to rock some special lady’s world. Are you down with O.P.P.? No, I mean seriously. Trevor’s catheterized and so whoever he chooses as his best girl can’t be shy around my junk since my catheter needs to be changed regularly. Old Trevor needs to pee (“Yeah, you know me!”).

What? Don’t want to come back to my crib for a hella good time? Talk to the hand! The Zima is chilling on ice, Matchbox Twenty is in the CD player, and Trevor’s all sexy up in here with his puka shell necklace on. Do I make you randy? I bet you’re just dying to drag your nails across my back. Don’t go there! No, seriously. You don’t want to go there. Trevor’s got some bed sores that haven’t quite cleared up yet.

If I can be honest here for a moment, Trevor is finding it a bit difficult adjusting to life in the present. Things sure have changed. Like, for example: where have all the boy bands gone? How come chicks no longer like to be called… chicks? Where can a guy get replacement cassettes for his answering machine?

Show me the money! Seriously, can someone show me the money? I want to be sure we’re all still using USD. Are you all that and a bag of chips? If so, hit me up on my pager and we can hook up tonight. Actually, my pager doesn’t seem to be getting a signal. Guess old Trevor will have to pop into Circuit City and get it checked out. Technology, am I right? Tell you what, send me an “email” (that’s lingo for “electronic mail”), and Trevor will dial up the old Information Super Highway, sign onto AOL and…” You’ve got mail!”

Whoomp! There it is!

Trevor is splashing on the Drakkar and waiting for you in a private chat room named “Trevor’s Private Chat Room.” So if your phat (that’s “pretty, hot, and tempting,” though Trevor doesn’t discriminate), stop in, give me your digits—or better yet, let’s take this chat to 976-HOT-GIRL. If we hit it off, we can take a trip to Blockbuster, get the latest Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan video, and bump uglies.

The last twenty years haven’t been kind to Trevor. That “Backstreet Boys 4ever” tattoo is looking a little dated. Know what? Trevor doesn’t need to be so picky. You don’t have to be a Claudia Schiffer to win my love. In fact, I don’t care what you look like. Trevor’s been traveling the astral plane solo for two decades. He’s lonely. He’s just looking for a little kindness.

You had me at hello… you had me at hello.

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.