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Fake News

Don’t Blame Me, Blame The Stars!

Dear Friends, Family, Acquaintances and Co-Workers,

I have heard that a number of you have been complaining that I “never take responsibility for my actions” or have “never apologised for my wrongdoings.” I am writing this letter today to explain that there is a reason for this: astrology. Astrology is the reason for all my actions, and probably yours as well.

Remember that week when Susan was super moody? Yes, she claimed it was because of the fire in her kitchen but honestly, it was clearly because the Moon was in Aquarius and Susan is a Capricorn.

I know all of you are still talking about and judging me for that time I slept with my sister’s husband. But what was I supposed to do? Mercury was in retrograde and to be fair I wouldn’t have even been at her house that day if she hadn’t stolen my lipstick. The shade didn’t even suit her! And now apparently their divorce was my fault? Um hello? Blame Mercury not me.

And to be completely clear on any other week I would not have broken into my neighbour’s house, stolen all of her left shoes, and cut her bras in half. But during that week the moon moved out of Pisces and into Aries, and Mercury went direct. This led to me feeling confident, a little bit petty, and rather vengeful. And while the moon was in Pisces the week before, this very same neighbour felt “ill” and had to call an ambulance. The ambulance blocked my car in my driveway, making me 15 minutes late to my Dance-Pilates class! This threw my whole schedule off for the day, all while Pisces was making me feel anxious.

Does that make sense now?

Remember that week I kept getting drunk at work and threw peanuts at everyone? Well, Venus moved too close to Scorpio (my moon sign) making me emotional and leading to my somewhat odd behaviour. At the time I didn’t realise that Cassandra was severely allergic to peanuts, and while I do regret that she ended up in hospital, I will not apologise for something that was not truly my fault. I also regret drunkenly locking myself in the bathroom for an hour to cry and then calling Bethany a “useless whiny bitch” I now know that was not an appropriate thing to say to the CEO of the company, especially when her moon sign is Virgo, meaning she was likely already feeling insecure that week.

I suspect that you are all now aware of the events last June that led to my now ex-roommate moving out of our apartment and writing that hit piece about me in the local newspaper. In this she wrote about how I ate all of her avocados, smashed all of her mugs, threw her bike in a nearby lake, and then punched her mum in the face when she came to visit. During this time the Sun was in Capricorn which also coincided with both Saturn and the Moon being in Cancer, so honestly I’m not sure how else anyone would have expected me to act. I mean who hasn’t punched their roommate’s mother because Saturn was in Cancer?

I have been told by a number of you that I should not have stalked my hot spin instructor, but our star signs (Leo and Gemini) are just so compatible that it seemed like it would be a waste to not try to start a relationship. And yes maybe I did take it too far when I found out he was married and sent his pregnant wife (a Cancer) a letter detailing how their star signs were incompatible with one another and how I would be a much better match for him. However I’m not sure I should really apologise for stating the facts about their marriage which we all know is going to end in divorce due to their incompatibility, and I should not be attacked for having the confidence to tell them this. Besides, I’m the real victim here—I’ve been banned from the gym and am no longer able to attend Spin or Dance-Pilates class.

You also should not blame me for Susan’s kitchen fire even though I did purposefully start it. As I mentioned before the Moon was in Aquarius that week. And regardless we all know that Susan is a bitch and someone would have set her house on fire eventually, I just got there first.

Thank you for reading my letter and hope you all understand me and yourselves much more. After all, Saturn is currently in Virgo meaning it is a time of honesty and self-reflection.

Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” course, a fav among our writers, starts Sept 23. Use code PIC for 10% off.

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