Michael Cohen may have threatened Trump’s colleges for him, but not his grade school. And we have his report card.
“[Trump] directed me to threaten his high school, his colleges and the College Board to never release his grades or SAT scores.” –– Michael Cohen, testifying before Congress, February 27, 2019.
Luckily for us, the President did not direct Mr. Cohen to block the release of any of his elementary school records. Thus, we have access to his final grade three report card from Kew-Forest School in Jamaica, Queens.
Grade Three Report Card
Student: Donald J. Trump
Total Days Absent: 9
Total Times Late: 22 (although the student claims he was never ever late)
Naps Missed: 0
Donnie recognizes his personal strengths and accomplishments oftentimes to excess. He has a tendency to delegate too much, especially to other members of his family. His health is generally good although his diet is sorely lacking in fruits, vegetables and fiber. Donnie is comfortable in class, sometimes to the point of unconsciousness. It might be helpful to restrict his nighttime television viewing time at home particularly when it comes to game shows.
Area of Learning – Language
Donnie is progressing well with his language skills likely due to his tendency to tell stories and tall tales. His writing skills have improved due to extensive writing of notes to fellow students. Unfortunately, many of those notes contain insults and personal attacks. Verbal skills have suffered somewhat due to Donnie’s tendency to make up his own words like “hamberder,” “smocking” and “covfefe.” When confronted with such mistakes, he claims he has the “best words” and often sends me a nasty note which typically contains additional misspellings. Donnie continues reading at a grade one level.
Area of Learning – Arithmetic
Donnie shows some aptitude for numbers but he lacks consistency. When it comes to his own financial situation, he tends to exaggerate, claiming he gets a $200,000 a year allowance. However, when the subject turns to taxes, he says he’s just like his classmates and only gets fifty cents a week. Donnie is able to count to one hundred but has a tendency to under-report his scores in such pastimes as miniature golf and net taxable income.
Area of Learning – Science
Donnie shows little interest in science subjects. He remains apathetic and says that he sees little need for knowledge in these fields since he’s going to be rich and famous and will not need to know physics or chemistry. Likewise, he has little interest in biology except when it comes to female anatomy.
Area of Learning – Art
Donnie is reluctant to engage in any artistic endeavors and shows contempt for all fields including painting, sculpture and music. He seems to take pride in his lack of knowledge about art yet frequently indicates that he “knows what he likes.” Often vocalizes a preference for music and films from the 1930s or what he calls “the good old days.”
Area of Learning – Geography
Donnie displays almost no interest in this subject. He repeatedly demeans all foreign countries and keeps shouting “America first!” He seems to have a particular animus for Haiti, El Salvador and Africa. He has asked on more than one occasion why we should care about these “shithole” countries.
Prognosis: Despite his limitations, I strongly recommend that Donnie be promoted to grade four, if for no other reason than to preserve my fragile sanity.
To Parents: Please review your child’s progress and sign below. If you’d like a personal interview, feel free to call but please don’t let him know.
David is a writer of political satire and short humor and his work has appeared in most major North American newspapers, including the New York Times, the Washington Post and the Chicago Tribune. He has also been published in various magazines including Newsweek, Smithsonian Magazine and Funny Times.