Rustic Four-Bedroom | $215,000 | 84 Cedar Avenue
This spacious house is perfect for a growing family and walking distance from Downtown Derry’s movie theater and restaurants. It contains four bedrooms and three bathrooms, only one of which periodically ends up covered in blood. The owner is willing to throw in a free bottle of Ajax to make up for that.
Comfy Confines | $170,000 | 70 Sydnor Street
This two-bedroom ranch is an ideal home for a young couple—preferably one with no children, as it’s a little small for more than two people. Also, every child who has lived here before has disappeared.
Terrific Tudor | $300,000 | 45 Horrifying Clown Lane
Don’t let the name of the street fool you: the horrifying entity that haunts this part of the town isn’t actually a clown. A clown is just one of the most common forms it takes. We’re pretty sure its real form is some type of giant spiderlike creature, but it can also take the shape of whatever happens to scare you the most in order to most effectively feed off of your fear, which is the only way it can survive. Anyway, this home has five walk-in closets.
Roomy Condo | $150,000 | 68 Columbus Drive
You’re still pretty hung up on the horrifying clown thing, aren’t you? A lot of people get pretty hung up on that. Would it help if we stressed that it only shows up once every 27 years? And that its presence has dramatically driven down real estate prices, so you’re more likely to find a deal here than in any other town throughout New England, such as this eminently affordable two-bedroom condo that would easily go for more than $350,000 in Portland? And what’s so great about Portland, apart from the microbreweries and the significantly lower child mortality rate?
Elegant Three-Bedroom | $450,000 | 680 9th Avenue
You know, a lot of people would argue that a spate of murders and disappearances happening only and exactly once every 27 years is kind of a good thing. At least in Derry, you know when to expect it. Who knows when something bad is going to hit Portland or Lewiston or Bar Harbor? Granted, we are currently in the midst of one of these attacks, but by the time you finish signing the paperwork for this gorgeous colonial with an expansive backyard and are ready to move in, there is a very good chance it will be over. And then just, like, plan to go on vacation around this time 27 years from now. We’re not sure why everyone in the town doesn’t do that, to be honest.
Happy Home | $300,000 | 155 Chestnut Lane
There are a lot of sinister balloons floating throughout this house. We assume they’re filled with blood but are too nervous to check.
Mysterious Mansion | $150 | 29 Neibolt Street
I know what you must be thinking: “Wow! A whole mansion for just $150! What a deal! I wonder if the low price has anything to do with that horrifying clown!” Well, you’re right! It is a great deal, and it does have something to do with the horrifying clown. Basically, this is the closest thing it has to a home, so if you move in, you’ll sort of be roommates. But this isn’t all bad. It means you can split the mortgage payments, and if you ever develop a taste for human fear, there’s no one in Derry better qualified to help you satiate that. Just make sure to never experience any fear yourself around it, or it may just decide to kill you. And it would be a real shame if that happened before you finished paying off such a fabulous house.