Homepage / Fake News / Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall)
Prom The Nightmare After the Fifth Element Sons of Scotland! We’re Meeting for After-Battle Drinks at Aberdeen’s Pub MTA Unveils New Designated Seating For Commuters Who Look Like They’re About To Snap Serta Wholesaler Lets Customers Cut Their Own Length Of Mattress Woodstock 50 Announces Lineup Myspace Loses All Content From Before 2016 Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society Annoyed Boss Can Tell Employees Watching NCAA Tournament On His Computer What Is the Worst Marriage Proposal? Odd Inclusions in the New Line of Bath Bombs Pros And Cons Of Breaking Up The Big Tech Companies Zion Williamson In Panic After Realizing Game Falls On Same Night As Theater Club Production God Puts “Religion” Up for Review Trump Backs Release Of Mueller Report Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade Experts Caution New Car Loses 90% Of Value As Soon As You Drive It Off Cliff Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands Sleep with a Snake for $2500 Tips For Quitting Juul Arctic Locked In To Warm 9 Degrees By End Of Century None Of Mom’s Clothes Can Be Cleaned Using Washing Machine Directors’ Notes on Restagings of Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” How Much Does Donald Trump Love Farmers? David Nunes Sues Twitter & Marilyn Sands for Big ‘Moo-la’ President Bans Use of Prepositions On Twitter Biggest Drug Busts In U.S. History One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle Where's the Remote? Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt Finishing a Campaign (with Molly Ostertag) Other Secret & Torrid Fictional Relationships You Might Have Forgotten Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration Dog Blocks Off Afternoon To Lick Spot On Floor Where Owner Once Dropped Pepperoni What Your NCAA Bracket Champion Says About You ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu

Fake News

Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall)

Here at The Washington Post, we’ve decided to make an update to our new slogan. Starting today, our masthead will read: Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall).

Breaking news, America: The newspaper that’s won 47 Pulitzer prizes doesn’t just do this journalism stuff for free. And if you really want to prevent our democracy from going belly-up entirely, maybe stop reading our site in a fucking incognito browser.

(Yes. We know about the incognito browser trick. We didn’t take bullshit from Nixon during Watergate, and we’re not taking it now from you.)

Please, excuse us—the paper that broke the story of the Pentagon Papers—for expecting you to pay for our award-winning reporting. You do realize we work in the exact same office featured in the movie The Post, which hasn’t been renovated since the ’70s? A rat ran across my foot while I wrote this. On a typewriter.

We’re busting our assess every day protecting democracy and keeping the public informed, and all we’re asking in return is a subscription of $100 a year. $100 a year to preserve the people’s voice in government and expose corruption. To keep a free nation free! For God’s sake, Blue Apron costs more than twice that, and sometimes you forget to even make the meals before the ingredients expire.

We didn’t put up a paywall on washingtonpost.com to make things difficult for people. (Off the record, that’s the Republicans’ job). It’s just capitalism, plain and simple. Maybe if you ever read our Econ section, you’d already know this.

Maybe you all think the owner of The Washington Post, Jeff Bezos, is paying our salaries. Well, he isn’t. We’ve actually been trying to get Jeff to subscribe for years now, but go figure, the guy who invented Amazon Prime apparently doesn’t see the value paying annually for a Post subscription.

To be completely honest, we used to be doing all right financially, but we just blew our last 5 million dollars on a Superbowl ad during the most boring Superbowl in history. In our defense, we thought it was going to be a big game. None of our Pulitzers were for sports reporting.

With the 2020 election around the corner, now more than ever it’s critical The Washington Post is able to operate on full-cylinders. Without us, Grandma might as well just change her homepage to Breitbart news and we all call it a day. Fake news won, everybody! Democracy is dead and it’s all because you couldn’t give up your $4 Starbucks twice a month!

Is that what you’re going to tell your kids when you tuck them in at night one day? That Mom and Dad couldn’t give up their frappuccinos, and that’s why there’s an Amazon Alexa in the house making sure no one is speaking ill of the government? (Obviously, Bezos’ products work for the authoritarian regime that takes over when democracy dies. Are we really surprised? He doesn’t subscribe to his own paper.)

Maybe that’s the future you all want for America. At that point, why not just install an ad-blocker for all the media sites you read? Goodbye First Amendment! And then, you could go ahead and waltz on down to the Washington D.C. archives museum and take a huge shit on the constitution itself!

Yeah, go on. Shit on the real, actual American constitution. We, The Washington Post, just said that publicly, and you can quote us on that.

So go ahead, America. Keep on opening articles and scrolling quickly to mid-page, hoping you’ll glimpse a topic sentence before the paywall pops up. Keep switching computers at work when you burn through your complementary articles reading the Food section each month. Our journalists will feed their families on likes and shares.

But when democracy collapses, and we’re all rewriting history in some kind of 1984 censoring work camp, don’t come crying to us. Besides, we definitely won’t be checking our email inquiries in that scenario.

Here at The Washington Post, we beg you today: Don’t let democracy die because you’re standing in the shadow of our paywall. Stand up for America the only way Americans know how: with money.

Also, did we mention subscribers receive a complimentary water bottle with our new slogan on it? Pretty cool!

Follow Points in Case on Twitter.

Join The Second City writing classes on satire, sketch, and TV – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.