Somewhere in time on Christmas Day…
On Christmas day, I got my Period… for the 1st time! Being Jewish, I didn’t know what to think of it!
Wrong house, Santa? I suspect Santa makes a lot of mistakes like that – just like the Post Office!
But why today? I was 13 1/2 & it wasn’t like a big surprise; but on Christmas? Jesus got myrrh & I got to wash sheets!
Come to think of it, that was around the time I dragged a Christmas tree home to the chagrin of my non-religious family. We didn’t even have Chanukah so I craved something in the way of festive & presents – giving & getting.
Because of the tree, maybe G-d was as confused as I was & Santa was just the messenger or vice versa. Their job descriptions sometimes are so muddled that time of year – you see, I wanted a Bike!
This is a major, I mean major watershed moment in a girl’s life. I don’t care how many sisters you had who came before you – this is frightening. In one moment of time – you’re a woman; no longer a girl – needing supplies!
(Stick with me fellas – there’s a happy ending. Not right away, but keep reading)
Back then we didn’t have a Google, a Mother or even a Siri to tell it like it is. Sex Ed was decades away & lots of unanswered questions – so we went with what was written on the Kotex box – written by a man!
Since then, I’ve been writing Jokes about the whole feminine condition & my late husband got the brunt of it. When we first met, I told him,
“I retain water 28 out of 30 days – as a matter of fact right now I have PBS”!
“No, my husband didn’t understand – he expected me to perform an unnatural act – Dinner”!
Ovaries, Eggs, Babies, French kissing…I’m still confused about the order! As long as you aren’t! ha ha
But, like all life cycles & Presidential Terms; just like clockwork… G-d givith & takith away!
Afraid that this day would come, my 13 year old granddaughter has just asked me, “Do I miss it”? What do you think?
Happy that’s all behind me now…okay, I do have the occasional hot flash when my nightgown catches fire cooking bacon – but most of all, every time I hear ‘Jingle Bells’ – a Maxi-pad gets it’s Wings!*
* “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings” – “It’s a Wonderful Life”.
Marilyn Sands is a former 80’s Stand-Up Comic who started out in the DC/MD/VA area, moved to the Bay Area in Northern California and now resides in L.A. She has sold jokes to Joan Rivers, lesser lights and gag magazines, and is a screenwriter, playwright and author of non-fiction.