As you know, we need a new quarterback. The guy we had last year had some problems: 30 interceptions, three DUI arrests, and that time he “retired” mid-season to audition for The Bachelorette. But he’s white and keeps his political views to himself, so he got a $90 million contract from another team. We’re moving on.
There were two quarterbacks we looked at in free agency. First, Colin Kaepernick: a 30-year old athletic phenom who can run like an Olympic sprinter and has a rocket for an arm. And second, Donald Trump: a 72-year old loaf of stale cornbread who has never played a down of football in his life.
We asked you fans about this decision, we listened to what you had to say, and we’ve gone with your overwhelming favorite. This season, Donald Trump—a giant baby sloth who lashes out with impotent rage at the slightest challenge or criticism—will be our new starting quarterback.
Of course, a few of you wanted us to choose Kaepernick. You mentioned the time he took his team to the Super Bowl, or his 72 career touchdown passes, or the fact that he’s won more playoff games than Andrew Luck or Cam Newton. But none of that matters. Because he decided to kneel peacefully during the national anthem, Colin Kaepernick is a greater threat to American freedom than ISIS, North Korea, and affordable healthcare combined. It doesn’t matter that he might be able to help us win some football games. It doesn’t matter that he would take less money than other quarterbacks (although he’d probably just give it away to Meals on Wheels or one of his other un-American terrorist groups).
Colin Kaepernick hates America, so he must hate football too.
Donald Trump, on the other hand, wants to Make America Great Again. At first, we were worried that his duties as President would take up all of his time. Luckily, the staff at the White House told us that things actually run a lot better when he’s not around, so they’ve agreed to lend him to us for the next few years. And although Donald Trump is a sweaty lump of mashed potatoes and pencil shavings whose natural athletic ability makes Jabba the Hut look like Julio Jones, we believe that he will Make Our Football Team Great Again too.
The Donald (he says everybody on the team has to call him that or he’ll sue) has some great ideas about how to turn this team around. First, all our home games will now be played at Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Springs, Florida. He’s also lined up some great endorsement deals. Thanks to our new partners at Breitbart News, our cheerleaders will be replaced with a troupe of Confederate civil war reenactors. And he won’t tell us how he pulled this one off (wink wink), but thanks to The Donald we’ll be serving nothing but Zhigulevskoye, Russia’s most popular beer, at all our games. Nostrovia, everybody!
But the best thing about Donald Trump—the thing that really sets him apart from Colin Kaepernick—is that he won’t be a distraction. Sure, we’ve all seen those late-night tweets, typed on his phone while he sits on the toilet, straining to squeeze a mummified turd out of his ancient body. Heck, we might even use “covfefe” as an audible this season! But nothing The Donald has tweeted is anywhere near as distracting as Kaepernick sharing objective facts about police brutality and asking for an honest dialogue about racism in America. Fans don’t like thinking about those things. It’s distracting! Donald Trump, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to think about racism at all.
It’s that kind of leadership that will make him as great a quarterback as he is a President.
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