Homepage / Fake News / Christmas Letter from the Millers
This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference Government Shutdowns By The Numbers FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee 2005 Minnesota Vikings (with Rob O'Connor) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over A Computer Co-Wrote this Sketch Christmas Really Over, Man Realizes As iPhone Game Switches Out Holiday Icon R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over List: Chuck Norris Would Like to Revisit His Facts Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs Tips To Become a Better Job Hunter & Gatherer I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass White Nationalists Accuse Google of Anti-Nazi Bias When He Doesn't Get the Hint [Full Episode] The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up Let Me and the 10 Demons That Possess Me Host the Oscars Locker Rooms Bilbo Gets Trolled The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘I’ve Never Had Sex’ Interview Pt 2 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instant Pot Recipes for Angering Everyone The Humor Times Needs Your Help! The Trump Family Intervention – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley and Former Senator Orrin Hatch A Day in the Life of Timothée Chalamet’s Stylist Oh No, Did We Hurt Brennan's Feelings? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits: ‘I’ve Never Had Real Sex!’ | You make the news…We report it! List: Official Ranking of Every Hollywood “Chris” Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class This Amazing New Anti-Bullying Campaign Reminds Kids That Even Though Bullying Might Be Fun, Rewarding, And Cool, It Can Sometimes Make You Tired List: What to Expect With Your First 18-Year-Old War I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason Fantasy High Binge Compilation (Episodes 1 – 8) I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast TSA Guy Circling Stuff On Boarding Pass With Reckless Abandon Advisory Group : “Being Speaker of the House Doesn’t Mean You Always Have to Have Your Mouth Open” Feeling Smart is the New Smart I’m Concerned My Cult Isn’t Sacrificing Enough Virgins Creating Rounded Characters (with Lou Wilson) You've NEVER Seen Star Wars?! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Enemy Rita Repulsa Is Her Mother CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks The Monster Under My Bed Is Addicted to His iPhone Study: Most Teens Who Respond to Acne Treatment Still Ugly After Xmas Gift Wish List Where Is AI Driving Us? The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules on What Can & Cannot Be Humped Science and History Get Weird in WHAT THE F 101 [Official Trailer] Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 8, 2019 Tumbleweed Of Pubes Rolls Through Desolate Dorm Bathroom President Ends Shutdown After Disruption To Nation's Cheeseburger Supply Line Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job! This Turkey is a Total TILF The State Nicknames Convention | Points in Case You Don't Actually Need a Menu It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It How My Wife Improved Robert Frost’s Most Famous Poem An Amazon Warehouse Worker’s Year-In-Review Analytics Lin Manuel Miranda Said He’d Kill My Family If I Didn’t Inspire You This Morning Instructions for the True Crime Podcast Producers Investigating My Unsolved Murder A Planet Full of Appetizers The Body Isn’t a Wonderland: Some Suggestions to Improve Pregnancy My Resolutions for You in 2019 8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Play God (That Aren’t Some Bullshit About Morality) Don't Bother Fixing Your Problems Happy New Year! Get Your Shit Together and Buy a Planner Mitt Romney: The President of the United States Has the Responsibility to At Least Pretend to Be a Good Person Dow Jones Slips into ‘Rape and Pillage’ Market List: Less-Subtle Pre-Filled Opt-Out Insults Fantasy High Cast Reflects on Season One The Pros and Cons of Owning Different Pets A Few Quick Notes About Your Son’s “Tree #2” Role in His 6th Grade Play, From Me, The Lead’s Mother List: 10 Ways to Make Grandma’s Physician-Assisted Suicide Family Get-Together More Fun Writing a Public Apology? Clappy is Here to Help! Your New Year's Resolutions Never Change Getting My Just Desserts: Diet Myths Debunked DIY Democracy – Jim Hightower, Humor Times NBC Aires Chrissy Teigen’s Steamed Vagina Health Tips Live During New Years Eve Telecast

Fake News

Christmas Letter from the Millers



The Millers have so much to be thankful for this year; tests passed (colonoscopies), promotions (thanks, McDonald’s) and another marriage for me this year! Had to jettison Husband #5 when I discovered, in a rare moment of sobriety, that he was unattractive and lazy. Husband #6 is delightful despite his doughy midsection and he is looking forward to accepting a fabulous job offer, as soon as one comes his way.

My brilliant children (whose smarts clearly didn’t come from their father’s side of the family) have outdone themselves in 2018! After a brief stint trying to sell mortgages to homeless people, Eric has settled on writing eco-friendly sustainable poetry on edible paper which he distributes with the aid of large fans throughout the city to reach the most vulnerable members of society. Forget food and healthcare. There’s free poetry for everyone!

To her credit, Emilie remains optimistic about her future despite her crippling stupidity, tenuous grasp on reality and difficult relationship with honesty. She enjoys cooking and after inadvertently weaponizing pea soup in a pressure cooker, she has settled on creating portraits out of soft serve at Dairy Queen.

Jane, my big girl, was temporarily disabled by her hormones this year but has found solace in seeking reparations from the Hostess Company for each one of the hundreds of pounds she gained on her steady diet of individually wrapped baked goods. While she waits for the company to respond to her emails, she busies herself with Occupy Dover, protesting rich people.

Lizzie, described by her ex-boyfriend as “an iceberg waiting for the Titanic,” spends most of her time listening to books on tape because she heard on the radio that reading can seriously damage your ignorance. Her sister Sue had always dreamed of performing an interpretive dance to rap music while naked. And now we know that Walmart has a policy against this. Undeterred, her new plan is to try to sell condoms suspended in Jello to high school cafeterias.

Teddy, our lapsed Communist, is intently studying the “5 Steps to Enlightenment,” for reasons no one knows. When not studying, he enjoys playing with action figures despite the fact that he’s a grown-ass man. Johnny, my feral child, fathered a couple of kids this year. Slim Jim and Ho Ho are just the cutest babies ever. When he’s not watching TV while the babies grow, Johnny immerses himself in making large-scale paintings depicting the subjugation of fry cooks in commercial kitchens.

Paul, my baby, caught the attention of his elementary school teacher when he described his mother as “having boobs almost as big as her mouth” and his best friend’s mother as “disturbingly attractive.” Ever the clever writer, he is about to self publish a children’s book entitled, No One Needs to See Your Penis at the Dinner Table. He’s doing the illustrations himself. It’s going to be a big hit!

As for me, I joined a book club full of women who apparently don’t think graphic novels are books. They prefer long books about people whose lives really suck and then they like to pepper their analysis with words in foreign languages, such as “sycophant,” “alliterative,” and “hegemony.” But they serve wine at the meetings!
In closing, the Millers hope you had whatever year you deserved and we’re thrilled that the upshot of the death of civility in America is that we can now say “fuck” and “pussy” without raising any eyebrows. Finally!

Here’s wishing you all lots and lots of hookers and hemp for 2019!

The Millers

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish