Homepage / Fake News / “Carpe Diem” and Other Things You Cannot Do
List: The 5 Best Garnishes for an Egg Salad Sandwich on the Subway Fox News Debuts Premium Channel For 24-Hour Coverage Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez There No Way Of Knowing Whether The Vague Award Mom Won At Work A Big Deal Or What U.K. Parliament Rejects Theresa May’s Brexit Deal The Survival Guide for Open Mics Woman Rushes To Hide Fragile Objects, Cover Up Sharp Corners On Tables Before Boyfriend Comes Over Artists Draw Ugly Babies Lincoln Memorial Empty After Former President’s Statue Furloughed New Hampshire Legislature Passes Bill Naming Fentanyl State Opiate Furloughed Government Employee Using Time Off To Visit Local Food Pantry She Been Hearing About Photo Of Egg Breaks World Record For Most-Liked Instagram Post Cute Winter Date Activities To Do Right Before You Break Up Pros And Cons Of Pet Insurance This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference Government Shutdowns By The Numbers FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee 2005 Minnesota Vikings (with Rob O'Connor) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over A Computer Co-Wrote this Sketch Christmas Really Over, Man Realizes As iPhone Game Switches Out Holiday Icon R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over List: Chuck Norris Would Like to Revisit His Facts Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs Tips To Become a Better Job Hunter & Gatherer I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass White Nationalists Accuse Google of Anti-Nazi Bias When He Doesn't Get the Hint [Full Episode] The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up Let Me and the 10 Demons That Possess Me Host the Oscars Locker Rooms Bilbo Gets Trolled The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘I’ve Never Had Sex’ Interview Pt 2 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instant Pot Recipes for Angering Everyone The Humor Times Needs Your Help! The Trump Family Intervention – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley and Former Senator Orrin Hatch A Day in the Life of Timothée Chalamet’s Stylist Oh No, Did We Hurt Brennan's Feelings? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits: ‘I’ve Never Had Real Sex!’ | You make the news…We report it! List: Official Ranking of Every Hollywood “Chris” Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class This Amazing New Anti-Bullying Campaign Reminds Kids That Even Though Bullying Might Be Fun, Rewarding, And Cool, It Can Sometimes Make You Tired List: What to Expect With Your First 18-Year-Old War I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason Fantasy High Binge Compilation (Episodes 1 – 8) I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast TSA Guy Circling Stuff On Boarding Pass With Reckless Abandon Advisory Group : “Being Speaker of the House Doesn’t Mean You Always Have to Have Your Mouth Open” Feeling Smart is the New Smart I’m Concerned My Cult Isn’t Sacrificing Enough Virgins Creating Rounded Characters (with Lou Wilson) You've NEVER Seen Star Wars?! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Enemy Rita Repulsa Is Her Mother CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks The Monster Under My Bed Is Addicted to His iPhone Study: Most Teens Who Respond to Acne Treatment Still Ugly After Xmas Gift Wish List Where Is AI Driving Us? The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules on What Can & Cannot Be Humped Science and History Get Weird in WHAT THE F 101 [Official Trailer] Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 8, 2019 Tumbleweed Of Pubes Rolls Through Desolate Dorm Bathroom President Ends Shutdown After Disruption To Nation's Cheeseburger Supply Line Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job! This Turkey is a Total TILF The State Nicknames Convention | Points in Case You Don't Actually Need a Menu It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It How My Wife Improved Robert Frost’s Most Famous Poem An Amazon Warehouse Worker’s Year-In-Review Analytics Lin Manuel Miranda Said He’d Kill My Family If I Didn’t Inspire You This Morning Instructions for the True Crime Podcast Producers Investigating My Unsolved Murder A Planet Full of Appetizers The Body Isn’t a Wonderland: Some Suggestions to Improve Pregnancy My Resolutions for You in 2019 8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Play God (That Aren’t Some Bullshit About Morality) Don't Bother Fixing Your Problems

Fake News

“Carpe Diem” and Other Things You Cannot Do

“Carpe diem”  — Seize the day

Instead, you seize yourself, furiously. You promise to seize the tomorrow but instead, you get high with your pet gecko, Sammy. Again, you seize yourself.

“Cogito ergo sum” — I think, therefore I am

But you don’t think, it’s too hard. Instead, you scroll through your Facebook newsfeed and briefly wonder whether you would ever post pictures of your baby to the Internet. This is the closest you will come to a thought for the next three hours. Eventually, a hi-def photo of a muffin makes you hungry. Thinking is for work, like yesterday when you thought all day about what the cute receptionist meant when she said “nice Hawaiian shirt.”

“Pater noster qui es in coelis” — Our father, who art in heaven

But your father isn’t in Heaven, he’s in New Canaan, and he tells his friends you’re married and a lawyer. Really you’re single and the co-founder of a MySpace fan page for Matchbox Twenty lead singer Rob Thomas. The other co-founder is you with a different username.

“E pluribus unum” — Out of many, one

And out of you, a shot for shot remake of The Shawshank Redemption but yours is Claymation and terrible.

“Carpe noctum” — Seize the night

Friday night finally rolls around so you order a large pizza for two and ask the delivery guy if he has plans. He says he’s free but doesn’t want to hang out with you. You wipe your greasy fingers on your pajama pants and fall asleep trying frantically to undo your Sims family’s group suicide. Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” plays faintly in the background.

“Carthago delenda est” — Carthage must be destroyed

And so must the apartment of your ex’s new boyfriend. You settle for creating a fake account and making mean comments on the Instagram they created for their new puppy. You write terrible things like “he’s honestly not that cute” and “who cares about puppies anyway?” and “Lisa I’m sorry. It’s me and I’m sorry. Your puppy is cute and I know you have a new boyfriend and everything now but I just want you to know that I’m doing great. Also, I’m still in love with you.”

“Castigat ridendo mores” — Laughing corrects morals

So why was it ok for everyone to laugh at your hernia operation but when Bert’s colostomy bag exploded everyone just pretended not to notice?

“Cui bono?” — Who stands to gain?

Probably that guy Jesse, from apartment 2B. He always looks so cool and relaxed and not sweaty. It’s August! He should be sweaty.

“Felix culpa” — Happy error

When that fancy pen broke in your mouth and the chemicals made you vomit on your chest, you got to go home early. So that’s good, right?

“Hannibal ad portas” — Hannibal is at the gates

Wait, no, just kidding, it’s the pizza guy again.

“Panem et circenses” — Bread and circus

Worried that you’re gaining weight, you switch to Wheat Thins. You eat the entire box while watching Family Guy reruns. But after four episodes you worry that you are getting stupid as well as fat and switch to Rick & Morty.

“Veni, vidi, vici” – I came, I saw, I conquered

You were late, half-blind because you fell asleep reading a Reddit AMA with Mark Hamill, and the new intern stole your stapler.

Thinking of upping your writing game? Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” class starts Sept 23. Use code PIC for 10% off.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.