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Fake News

“Carpe Diem” and Other Things You Cannot Do

“Carpe diem”  — Seize the day

Instead, you seize yourself, furiously. You promise to seize the tomorrow but instead, you get high with your pet gecko, Sammy. Again, you seize yourself.

“Cogito ergo sum” — I think, therefore I am

But you don’t think, it’s too hard. Instead, you scroll through your Facebook newsfeed and briefly wonder whether you would ever post pictures of your baby to the Internet. This is the closest you will come to a thought for the next three hours. Eventually, a hi-def photo of a muffin makes you hungry. Thinking is for work, like yesterday when you thought all day about what the cute receptionist meant when she said “nice Hawaiian shirt.”

“Pater noster qui es in coelis” — Our father, who art in heaven

But your father isn’t in Heaven, he’s in New Canaan, and he tells his friends you’re married and a lawyer. Really you’re single and the co-founder of a MySpace fan page for Matchbox Twenty lead singer Rob Thomas. The other co-founder is you with a different username.

“E pluribus unum” — Out of many, one

And out of you, a shot for shot remake of The Shawshank Redemption but yours is Claymation and terrible.

“Carpe noctum” — Seize the night

Friday night finally rolls around so you order a large pizza for two and ask the delivery guy if he has plans. He says he’s free but doesn’t want to hang out with you. You wipe your greasy fingers on your pajama pants and fall asleep trying frantically to undo your Sims family’s group suicide. Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” plays faintly in the background.

“Carthago delenda est” — Carthage must be destroyed

And so must the apartment of your ex’s new boyfriend. You settle for creating a fake account and making mean comments on the Instagram they created for their new puppy. You write terrible things like “he’s honestly not that cute” and “who cares about puppies anyway?” and “Lisa I’m sorry. It’s me and I’m sorry. Your puppy is cute and I know you have a new boyfriend and everything now but I just want you to know that I’m doing great. Also, I’m still in love with you.”

“Castigat ridendo mores” — Laughing corrects morals

So why was it ok for everyone to laugh at your hernia operation but when Bert’s colostomy bag exploded everyone just pretended not to notice?

“Cui bono?” — Who stands to gain?

Probably that guy Jesse, from apartment 2B. He always looks so cool and relaxed and not sweaty. It’s August! He should be sweaty.

“Felix culpa” — Happy error

When that fancy pen broke in your mouth and the chemicals made you vomit on your chest, you got to go home early. So that’s good, right?

“Hannibal ad portas” — Hannibal is at the gates

Wait, no, just kidding, it’s the pizza guy again.

“Panem et circenses” — Bread and circus

Worried that you’re gaining weight, you switch to Wheat Thins. You eat the entire box while watching Family Guy reruns. But after four episodes you worry that you are getting stupid as well as fat and switch to Rick & Morty.

“Veni, vidi, vici” – I came, I saw, I conquered

You were late, half-blind because you fell asleep reading a Reddit AMA with Mark Hamill, and the new intern stole your stapler.

Thinking of upping your writing game? Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” class starts Sept 23. Use code PIC for 10% off.

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