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Bring Your Love To Me – The Onion

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As my one true girl, you know that I crave your love. I need it like a woodworker needs the perfect slab of mahogany. Like a sculptor needs obsidian. Like the stars need the night. If I had to travel 3,000 miles with various layovers at small regional airports that have little to no amenities just to be with you, I would do this.

However, there is no need to take a plane, because tonight, Smoove and his one true girl stay in.

To be clear, I’m saying that we will not go to the city’s finest clubs. We will not go to the city’s finest restaurants where they serve the finest bread imported from the surprisingly good bread regions of South Korea. We will not go to that spot that only Smoove knows about, watch the sunset with your head on my shoulder, and drive home on a winding mountain road, never saying a word to each other but sharing a deep, emotional bond that comes from watching the finest sunset from the city’s finest vantage point. I will not then pull over to the shoulder and hit you doggy-style on the side of that road.

Here’s how tonight will go down:

First, I will ask you to join me at my penthouse apartment. I will do so by sending a text. The text will read: “Come to my place at 8. Wear that dress.” You will know which dress I speak of. I will include two dozen red rose emojis at the end of the text so you will know I am yearning for your love.

At eight o’clock you will arrive because you are punctual. I find that very sexy. I will also find the dress you are wearing extremely sensual, and I will compliment it. You will blush and accept the compliment, because you are a lady and a lady accepts such compliments. I will then compliment your necklace, but as you will be admiring the romantic view from my living room window at this time, you may be too distracted to hear it. Believe me though, it will be a flattering remark.

I will lead you to the balcony where we will enjoy the cool night air and sip champagne. I have recently had all my champagne glasses re-fluted by the only man certified to do this kind of work in the country. He is an excellent craftsman, and while you may not consciously notice the difference, it will add to the deep satisfaction of the evening. This satisfaction will slowly well up inside you like a mountain spring over the course of the night. This satisfaction comes from knowing you have a man who treats you right.

Even my main man Darnell doesn’t know about champagne re-fluting.

At 8:30 p.m. exactly, I will lead your fineness from the balcony to the kitchen because at that moment, our meal, simmering on the stove, will have reached ultimate perfection. Taking the wooden tasting spoon from its velvet-lined box, I will present you with a sample of the perfect sauce. Before I let you taste it, however, I will blow on it three times so that it does not burn your tongue.

You see, your tongue is very precious to me.

I will fill our dinner plates with the sumptuous banquet I have prepared for you. I have used only the finest French cookbooks from the finest French publishing houses. Once I have seated you in the dining room, I will make a toast to your beauty, charm, and ample booty. During the meal, we will smile and laugh about how nice it is to stay in and just enjoy each other’s company. I will say complimentary things about your hands and praise the quality of your manicure. We will smile and laugh again, because we have chemistry, and that is what stimulating creatures with smoldering sexual dynamics do.

After a dessert of fresh, seasonal berries, things will get serious.

That is when I will turn to you and say, “I crave your body.” You will get weak in the knees knowing this information. Maintaining eye contact at all times, I will stand up, take your hand, and lead you to the bedroom where you will be surprised to find that scented candles have been burning and the music of Keith Sweat has been playing all evening long. I will stand behind you and slowly remove that dress while kissing your neck.


This is when I will lead you to the bed, which will be covered with towels that are both soft and absorbent. This will not concern you in the slightest. I will wordlessly instruct you to lie face-down. That is when Smoove’s Massage™ will begin.

This will be all about you. Tonight, I will be like a sensual baker, and you will be my delicious creation. My hands will be strong but delicate. Your body will be the perfectly formed dough. Every stroke will knead your magnificent form and smooth you out until you are as supple as a homemade pie crust. Every caress will unleash your body’s luscious goodness. My only intention during this massage will be to make you as buttery and delectable as possible. With a skill that sensual baking experts would marvel at, I will gently heat up your body to prepare it for what’s to come.

Only when your body is at its utmost readiness will I put my filling in you.

Since we will not have gone out, we will have more time than usual to freak nasty. Now, you may think I will not have the stamina to go all night long. Put that thought out of your mind—now and forever.

My back is strong.

Despite having taken your body and mind to the limits of pleasure, you will awake the next morning extremely fresh. You will once again join me on the balcony, where I will serve French toast. However, I will add my personal twist to this dish, perhaps stuffing it full of Nutella or some manner of spiced whipped cream.

There will also be bacon.

That is how it will go down. Please bring your love to me as fast as you can.

But do not arrive before eight o’clock.

Smoove out.

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