Homepage / Fake News / Bigheaded People Want the Medical Recognition They Deserve
Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04

Fake News

Bigheaded People Want the Medical Recognition They Deserve

Few in the health field seem willing to acknowledge the physical and emotional toll of having a big head. My so-called friends have no trouble pointing out how gigantic my melon is, but the legions of chiropractors and massage therapists I’ve paid to fix the bodily damage it causes try to mollify me when I bring it up. They don’t appreciate the struggle it is to carry this mother around day in and day out. “Your muscles are so tight, I can’t get anything to move,” they say. Or, “you’re perfect just the way you are.” Or, “you should have booked the 90-minute session.” There’s a reason why my neck and shoulders are as solid as a turd after a three-cheese pizza: I need to be superhuman to keep this head erect.

My physical structure isn’t up to the task. Neither were my feelings back in ninth grade, when I walked into homeroom and resident hottie rugby player Steve Holmes called out, “What’s up, Bighead?” in front of, like, the entire world. I know my pumpkin-topped peers are cringing as they read this because they’ve been there. They have borne the barbs aimed at their colossal crumpets.

We have to develop thick skins to exist with huge heads. In my twenties, I took a road trip to Disneyland with my best friend. Halfway to the happiest place on earth, while trying to wing a left turn onto an arterial road, she screamed, “I can’t see through your fucking head.” “What am I supposed to do?” I screamed back. “It’s attached to my fucking body.”

In the 90s, I tried to camouflage the problem with a pixie cut (because I didn’t want to be a bighead, I wanted to be a pixie), but the shorter my hair got, the more it seemed to empha-the-size of my head. Plus, during the salon appointment, the stylist revealed that my skull was lumpy, and she had to stop, she’d cut as much as she could ethically take off. I get that. I’ve done the 23andMe thing and sure, I’m more Neanderthal than ninety-three percent of their customers. Those same test results also said it was unlikely I’m a sprinter. Obvs. It’s hard to run fast when you’re carrying a medicine ball on top of a popsicle stick.

Have you ever been out shopping and you try on a super-cute top and it gets stuck and you look like you’re wearing a nun costume? Bob your noggins, homies. The rest of you shut up.

Illustration by Andrew Haener

Illustration by Andrew Haener

A gargantuan head makes for a better bullseye, too. When I walked out of Seattle’s Pike Place Market one day and a seagull took a steamy airborne dump, where do you think it landed? How about the pigeon poop that rained down during a visit to the Plaka in Athens? Or when a bag of rotting fish in the overhead rack on a Cameroonian train tipped and spilled its bounty of maggots? Where did it go? That’s right. On my head.

Do you realize how difficult it is for bigheaded people to do sit-ups? The sheer force required to go from supine to sitting nearly necessitates a tow rig.

I intend to seek legal advice on whether decapitation and weighing prior to cremation is a reasonable stipulation to include in a will. Because if none of these therapists have the guts to admit that yes, they’ve noticed my noggin weighs as much as the Bagger 288 bucket-wheel excavator, perhaps there can at least be some posthumous vindication.

Seriously, if Steve Holmes, seagulls, pigeons, maggots, and pretty much anyone who’s ever seen me in a group photo or a bikini have noticed my meteor-sized mass, it shouldn’t be so hard for a medical practitioner to articulate the reality. It comes down to simple recognition. Legions of big-head carriers like me are experiencing all manners of adversity and hat discrimination. They need to feel confident that their practitioners aren’t negating their condition, telling them their heads feel the same as every other patient, or that doing more yoga will help. The bigheads know that’s bullshit.

Illustration by Andrew Haener

Illustration by Andrew Haener

See new Points in Case posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Take comedy writing classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.