Homepage / Fake News / Becca’s Baking Blog: This Banana Bread Will Fuck Your Shit Up
The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04 I Am Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo Christian Bale Loses 40 Years For Upcoming Movie Role New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To You Through Hardcover Copies Of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’

Fake News

Becca’s Baking Blog: This Banana Bread Will Fuck Your Shit Up


The year was 1963. Winter. The nation was reeling from the Kennedy assassination. The threat of nuclear armageddon at the hands of the Russians hung heavy in the air. Nobody had even heard of Instagram stories yet, and my mother came home from school to find two heavenly loaves of banana bread cooling side by side on the kitchen counter. My grandmother was often cold, and drank heavily, but one thing she did better than anyone else was make banana bread. She baked it for special occasions, but she also baked it to make any occasion special. It was her way of saying “I love you” to her kids, to her husband. While she struggled to say the actual words, this banana bread became a physical manifestation of her love.

Fortunately for you dinks, I had the old bitch write out the recipe right before she croaked, and now I’m about to lovingly penetrate this shit into your minds.

Look at you, absolutely begging for it, saliva beginning to dribble onto your bland and unfashionable clothes. You think you deserve this recipe? “How can I use these overripe bananas?” you say to yourself, your swollen tongue bashing against your mish-mashed ogre teeth. One quick google search later and you think you think you’re ready to see the face of God?

Guess again you complete fucking oaf. Never in your depressing lives have you come close to the absolute nirvana that is my banana bread recipe. This recipe is going to change your whole goddamn life. It’s going to wow your tits off. It’s going to make you shit your dick out your asshole. You think you know shit about fuck? Get ready to have your world turned upside down.

And before you even ask, you disgusting little skid mark, yes, we’re going to be sifting our dry ingredients before combining, because we weren’t raised by fucking mole people. Of course, we’ll be adding eggs one at a time, beating after each addition, because this isn’t some kind of fucking game. Obviously, we’ll be greasing the pans before pouring the batter in, because if you don’t adequately prepare for the future you might as well kill yourself right now. And if you think we’re not adding a dash of cinnamon right up in there for a richer flavor, I will fully come to your home and murder you in front of your family.

Guess what the fuck else we have, you worthless sacks of garbage? Chocolate chips. That’s right, motherfuckers. Tiny little morsels of chocolate. Right. In. The. Banana bread. Those tiny assholes add another dimension of flavor as well as a wonderful textural component the likes of which your tiny minds can’t even comprehend.

To those of you who are thinking of commenting something like “Becca, what if we want to use walnuts instead of chocolate chips?” Let me say two things: First, keep my name out of your fucking mouth, you utter disappointment. Second, I swear to god if I ever find out you’ve sullied my bitch of a grandmother’s favorite recipe I will find out where you live, burn your house down, and frame you for insurance fraud.

Most importantly, have fun! If you bake the way my grandmother taught me, with love in your heart and a BAC of .11, anything you make will be incredible.

Finally: If you fuck this up my dead alcoholic grandma will haunt the shit out of you for the rest of your miserable fucking life.


Becca’s Grandma’s Banana Bread

— 1 box Banana Bread Mix (Betty Crocker preferred)
— 1 package semi-sweet chocolate chips
— 1 tbsp butter (to grease pans)

Follow instructions on box to create batter. Add chocolate chips. Grease two loaf pans, add batter, and bake in oven heated to 350 degrees for 20 minutes or until golden brown, or until you finish entire drink. Cool before slicing. Or don’t, I’m not the police.


Want to improve your writing? Join Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” class. Use code PIC for 10% off.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish