Homepage / Fake News / As Poet Laureate of Sunhill Knolls, I Offer My Apology
‘We Will Never Speak Of This Again,’ Says Trump To Mohammed Bin Salman As They Dump Khashoggi’s Body Into New Jersey River Jim Acosta Immediately Decks White House Intern After Being Let Back Into Press Pool Percentage Of Unvaccinated Children In U.S. Has Quadrupled Since 2001 Health Experts Say Tackle Football Poses Little Risk For Children Whose Brains Already Don’t Work That Well Not Enough Dishes for Friendsgiving Yankees Avoid Luxury Tax By Moving Franchise To Offshore Location Is My Boyfriend Secretly In Love With His Roommate? (Love Advice) Woman Amazed She Found Perfect Partner Just When She Was Getting Desperate Enough To Accept Anything The Pilgrims Check In On 2018 America The Essential Infowars Supplements | Points in Case MTA Reveals They Have No Idea Where Voices Speaking To Everyone On Subway Coming From Over The River And Void Of Goods The UK’s Secret Plans for a No-Deal Brexit The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 19, 2018 NBC Unveils On Screen Graphic Informing Audience They Are Watching Football 100 Jars of Salsa How Writers Throughout History have Beaten their Writer’s Block Trump Tweets Second Half of List of 10 Most Boring US Presidents Belle’s Breakup Letter to the Beast What’s that in Rubles? – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times Post Office Privatization Is Not an Option To Debate a Predator I’d Like to Present An Argument Against Funeral Karaoke SatireWorld Celebrates ….’Santa and Machine Guns’ Event This Isn’t An Oversized Carry On, It’s My Emotional Support Luggage Democrat Stacey Abrams Gives Up Georgia Governors Race….But Doesn’t Concede Unhinged Lunatic Using Facebook To Spread Conspiracy Theories Khashoggi Assassin Hopes Bonus Check From Saudi Crown Prince Clears Before Execution Archaeologists Apologize For Murdering Last Remaining Neanderthal In Fit Of Crazed Bloodlust ‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby Should Carmelo Anthony Return To His Prime? ‘The Powerpuff Girls’ Turns 20 Metropolitan Museum Acquires Another Vase Hate Crimes Continue To Rise Speakeasy Patrons Apparently Unaware It Legal To Go To Regular Bars Again Kanye's Social Media Manager A Principal’s Tough Conversation with his Coolest Student Embarrassed Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Can Only Afford American Flag Pin With 19 Stars Supercuts Now Offering To Give Customers Baths For $14.99 Single Female Praying Mantis Just Checking Out Online Dating The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Laughing Stock Disgusting Coworker Barely Even Washed Ass Before Leaving Bathroom Boyfriend’s Snack 200% Of Woman’s Daily Caloric Intake Wealth-Burdened Nation Grateful For Opportunity to Spend Money At New Onion Store Saudi Crown Prince Begins 100 Hours Of Court-Ordered Community Service For Murdering Jamal Khashoggi George R.R. Martin Admits He Struggling With New Book 5 Things To Know About Matthew Whitaker China Introduces New One-Uighur Policy Mother Feels A Little Validated After Daughter Who Stayed Out Late Gets Murdered Facebook Just Filled With Crazy Idiots Now Underfunded Public Schools Lacking Basic Support Systems Leave Students Perfectly Prepared For Rest Of Life Super Saiyans & Sauron Wildfires More Frequent Because Of Climate Change, Forest Management Relaxation Techniques For When You’re Feeling Anxious or Looting a Radio Shack Widow Still Can’t Bring Herself To Get Rid Of Husband’s Corpse That’s Right, I Made My Super Cool Best Friend Laugh and Now Everyone at School Likes Me Nation Getting Out All Its Aggression During Monthly Calls To Wireless Provider To Fix Service Pfizer Unveils New Double-Sided EpiPen For Lovers Female Director Asked If She Feels Comfortable Filming Scene While Nude Amazon Officially Picks New York, Northern Virginia For Next Headquarters Opie Taylor Actually Barney Fife’s Love Child Recently Divorced 40-Year-Old Struggling To Navigate College Dating Scene A TV Game Show Marketed Toward Acne Sufferers Hits The Airwaves Melania Releases Statement Calling For Removal Of First Lady From White House Nation’s Tourists Announce Plans To Form Circle, Clap Hands Around Guys Doing Flips And Stuff Nancy Pelosi Planning To Reenergize House By Injecting Self With Blood Of Young Representatives The Orb in the Woods Kids Naked Man Refusing To Let Unworthy Attire Touch His Body Until Launch Of New Onion Store Merchandise The Onion’s Guide To ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ The Fantastic Bore North Korea Possibly Still Operating Hidden Missiles Bases Idiot Humans Love When AI Jumbles Up Words 45-Year-Old Loser Moves In With Parents Mark Wahlberg: New Movie "Basically Sucks" ‘He’s Not Right For You,’ Report Relationship Experts Who Must Not Want To See You Be Happy Hillary Launches Campaign To Raise $100 Million Or Else She’ll Run For President Poll Finds Voters Don’t Support Impeaching Trump Steve King Vehemently Denies Comparing Immigrants To People New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Reveals Final Season Will Be Cobbled Together From Old Footage NRA Publishes Tips For Staying Safe While Committing A Mass Shooting Natural Killers: A Message from an Environmentally-Conscious NRA Member New York City Announces Subway Just For Amazon Employees Now 5 Things To Know About ‘Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald’ Thank You For Doing All the Work Surgeon General Confirms A Bit Of Blow Here And There Won’t Kill Ya The Internet In A Nutshell Trump Delivers Touching Tribute To Fallen Heroes Of WWE Political Ad Spending Hit New Record In 2018 Midterms Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 13, 2018 Your Horoscope Based on the Demon That Has Possessed Your Body Ecologists Discover 400 Species Of Charles Darwin Living In Galápagos Islands Kid Diving Into Pile Of Leaves Has No Idea There Homeless Guy Jerking Off In There Stan Lee, Creator Of Beloved Marvel Character Stan Lee, Dead At 95 Emmanuel Macron Calls For ‘True European Army’ Against U.S., Chinese Threats 3 More States Vote To Legalize Marijuana Woman Confident She Has The Safety Net It Takes To Achieve Dreams FEMA Assures Wildfire Victims Bucket Brigade Nearly Over Maryland State Line Study Finds Only 20% Of Seminary Graduates Go On To Become God Family Figures Grandpa Never Talks About WWII Because Nothing Interesting Happened To Him Sorry, I'm a Slow Eater

Fake News

As Poet Laureate of Sunhill Knolls, I Offer My Apology



Friends, neighbors, word-wielders, rhymesmiths, rhythmeisters, sonneteers, odesters, villanelle villains, rondeau rebels, visitors and guests, oldtimers and newcomers, bosom confidants and strangers, townsfolk and peers—from Hutchinson Avenue to Point Sunhill, from Patzer Heights to lower 2nd Street—I hereby tender my apology for what has recently ruffled so many feathers vis-a-vis my behavior of last weekend and its neighborly festivities.

I have had time for soul-searching of late. About myself. About this town. About the deeds that seem to appear to have besmirched my good name as Poet Laureate of Sunhill Knolls.

I see now in retrospect, and with the clarity it brings, that my actions were not wholly advisable. You see, as Poet Laureate of Sunhill Knolls, I am also effectively Poet Laureate of Maple Square Park, where the past weekend’s fete bespangled the grass of the soccer pitch so graciously. ‘Twas a fair day for a faire!

And a faire is a fair day…to share!

I have come to understand that many people besides your humble Poet Laureate had remarks to make thereupon the open stage. And I see now that even those with little of worthy substance still had a right to express their need for attention on the open microphone. A faire, as a great poet once said, is a fair day…to share!

Naturally, people expect the Poet Laureate of Sunhill Knolls to recite at any Sunhill Knolls function; so it was strange—didn’t you think?—that the alderwoman, Patty or Betty something, blithely rambled on about…whatever that mess was…severely cutting into my recitation time. Naturally, I cleared my throat repeatedly and at increasing volume, as any self-respecting person would if they had been specifically chosen to see after the poetic culture and prosodic wellbeing of Sunhill Knolls.

That my opening remarks were hurried along by Mayor Burt was hurtful enough. Yes, that hurt, Burt. But then to have my signature piece as Poet Laureate of Sunhill Knolls—and of course I mean A Sunhill Knolls Rhapsody—unceremoniously halted midway through the twenty-second stanza—that poignant night scene on Slater Avenue—well, the insult is significant indeed, not just to the Poet Laureate of Sunhill Knolls, but to poets, laureates, poetry lovers, and laureate lovers everywhere—and even (it may be argued) back through the annals of time. It was an insult, for example, to Maya Angelou, to Robert Frost, to Emily Dickinson, to Omar Khayam, to Homer, and to George Gershwin, a fellow composer of rhapsodies!

The insult is beyond imagining, frankly, which is why (frowned upon as it has become in some local circles) it seems to appear to have been wrong for me, Poet Laureate of Sunhill Knolls, to have shouted down Mayor Burt and to have, when he kept talking over me, sundered and silenced the microphone for once and for all.

While I regret the damage to property in hindsight, any who were there in person must surely have been moved by the shower of sparks emitted by that antique amplifier when, pushed by the sole of my shoe, it toppled, broke open, and gave its last burst of light, sound, and energy. I think of fireworks. I think of steel mills. I think there are probably better amplifiers on the market these days.

Colleagues have since let me know that my voice carried majestically despite the loss of the PA system and that the epithets I cast at Mayor Burt, Alderwoman Whats-her-face, and all the members of City Council (though I only named Pat Timmins, Jonathan Wang and Erika Bayou by name) carried to the far corners of Maple Square Park, sending up a startled flock of starlings. And again, while it has been suggested that I should rightly disclaim the content of my vociferous statements, it’s also true that a poet’s booming and melodious voice is a thing of beauty, echoing forever. A silver lining, perhaps.

I have been notified that it is the damage to the amplifier, the microphone, the microphone cord, the microphone stand, the speakers, the speaker cords, the speaker stands, the lectern, the books on the lectern, the lip of the stage, the middle part of the stage, the back and side portions of the stage, and the bunting that has brought me here in the first place. That and the fact that the so-called “honorarium” tendered by the City of Sunhill Knolls to its one and only Poet Laureate comes to an amount far, far less than the amount required to repair or replace such items, even supplemented by the extracurricular income of said Poet Laureate. (I obviously devote such time to being Poet Laureate of Sunhill Knolls as to make earning non-related income quite impractical.)

So it is with a heavy heart that I am offering this apology to all those affected or impacted by my disoptimal (albeit justified) actions of the past weekend. I am sorry if you feel inconvenienced or impinged upon. I promise it will happen never again (assuming the provocation will never be as unforgivable).

Believe me, any feeling of upset you or any member of our city government has experienced is as nothing compared to spending a night in this bare cell on this flawed impersonation of a cot-bed. One bare bulb overhead. A toilet without even the benefit of a good book of poetry to read, there in a small basket beside it. Not even the small basket.

I have awoken stiff head to toe. The small consolation is that in the sleepless hours of the night, I wrote a crown of sonnets. It is paragon, I humbly admit. It is entitled The Sunhill Knolls Prison: A Poet’s Tale, which I believe will be welcome fare for your ears at the Patzer Heights Summer Fling next month.

In the meantime, rest assured that your Poet Laureate of Sunhill Knolls will not rest. My hand is over my heart, pledging you that the poetic voice of Sunhill Knolls is alive and well, and if all goes according to plan, soon to be free and among you once again. I have been reciting to the warden-officer here, and he continues to promise that my release should be imminent (though not in those words precisely).

For now and for always, I remain sincerely and poetically yours,

Maurnold X. Thurbin
Poet Laureate of Sunhill Knolls


Join upcoming online comedy classes like “Writing Satire for the Internet” at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.



Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish