Homepage / Fake News / Armie Hammer’s Rehab Clinic for Actors Who Had to Dance on Film Once
Melania’s Heart Sinks After Realizing Husband Uses Pet Name ‘Horseface’ For Every Woman He Fucks The 6 Stages of Repressing Your Anger Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies 8 People On Social Media Who Should Be Considered Criminals State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms Clash of the Corn Cuties | Fantasy High Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity Paul Allen To Leave $10,000 To Everyone Who Shares This Post ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 16, 2018 Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less Of A “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” And More Of A “Depression Meal At Walmart” Mars Rover Finds Newspaper Warning Of Dire Effects Of Climate Change The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 15, 2018 Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options What Elementary School Was Like in Each Decade Elizabeth Warren Disappointed After DNA Test Shows Zero Trace Of Presidential Material Jared Kushner Likely Avoided Income Tax For Years Saudi Arabia Sends Assassins To Dismember Entire International Community In Effort To Stifle Dissent Me, Frankenstein Monster, Am Victim of Angry Mob and Me Blame George Soros Loser Woman Hasn’t Even Inspired One Bar Fight Every Negotiation Scene Ever Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf War Horrified Nurses Discover 40-Pound Baby After Accidentally Leaving It In Incubator Over Weekend Rosie O’Donnell Admits What She Did With Her Tuba “This One Time at Band Camp” All Hallow's Grieve Donner Party Archaeological Study Finds Survivors Preferred White Meat Drawfee Presents CARTOON HELL [First Full Episode] Jack-o’-lantern Designs that Say “We’re Filing for Divorce” Humiliating: When Asked What I Wanted for My Last Meal, I Panicked and Said “Yo-Yo’s” A Sexy Fire Drill | See Plum Run Is There a Subtle Way to Ask if My Book-Club Book Has Cunnilingus in It? Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Revealed H.P. Lovecraft Reviews His Recent Amazon Purchases by Pat Landers Woman Always Gets Best Ideas While Taking Shower With Two Jacked Dudes Should LeBron James Leave ‘Space Jam 2’ For A Movie With A Better Chance Of Winning An Oscar? Frightened Don Jr. Asks If He Can Sleep In Dad’s Bed After Bad Dream About Being Indicted Panicked Falcons Discover Scratch In Mercedes Benz Stadium This Bitter Couple Tells Us The Secret To A 3-Year, 5-Month, And 2-Week Marriage Sully Sullenberger Realizes It Too Late Now To Let Everyone Know Plane Did All That Stuff On Autopilot Bill And Hillary Clinton Announce Joint Tour Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie This Bitter Couple Tells Us The Secret To A 3-Year, 5-Month, And 2-Week Marriage Kanye West Jumps On Massage Table To Deliver Speech About Relaxation Stop Hating My Favorite Things How to Get Past Your Baseball Team Losing in the Playoffs…Again Trump Administration Urges Saudis To Stick To Killing Random Yemeni Civilians Many States Still Relying On Outdated Methods To Disenfranchise Voters Woman Reveals She Was With Kavanaugh the Night Christine Blasey Ford Testified About Classic Chuck Norris Film “Good Guys Wear Black” to have Politically Correct Remake Movies Reviewed by Me, a Teen in the Early 2000s, Based on What I Saw Before I Started Making Out Trump Touts Ivanka's World Capitals IQ in Consideration of Her as UN Ambassador ‘Try It Now,’ Shouts Gogo Internet Technician Standing On Plane Wing While Fixing In-Flight Wireless Connection Students Who Take Latin Have Better Chance Of Summoning Demon Later In Life Mom Still Raving About Butternut Squash Ravioli She Tried 13 Years Ago Hurricane Michael Makes Landfall In Most Dangerous Storm In Florida Panhandle History ‘The Convergence Is At Hand,’ Announces Sears CEO As Employees Report To Company Headquarters In White Gowns Panicked Meteorologists Advise Entire Nation To Take Cover After Losing Track Of Hurricane Michael Leaving Neil Armstrong’s Homemade Banner Out of “First Man” Ignores that the Moon Landing was a Completely Individual Achievement Tips For Relieving Back Pain Rick Scott Orders Hurricane Michael To Evacuate From Florida 10 Ways To Come Out of The Closet The CORRECT Way An Inside Look At The Crack Marketing Team At Pornhub Salamanders Bravely Offer To Go Extinct In Place Of Better Animal What If We Made Voting Fun? Sexual Allegations Against “Slick Willie” Different Than Those Against Trump and Kavanaugh Is This Year's Giants Team An Al-Qaeda Plot Designed To Hurt New Yorkers Again? No, You Don’t Need To Worry About Trick-or-Treaters Being Given Edibles Calm, Measured Trump Hard At Work After Freak Accident Leaves Him With Railroad Spike Lodged In Skull Kim Jong-Un Wants Pope To Visit North Korea Cyborg Cops & Sci-Fi Substance Abuse | Um, Actually Obese Man Has Amazing Calves Democrats Issue Ultimatum To Donald Trump: Do Not Juggle Chainsaws ‘Can Anyone Hear Me?’ Shout Terrified Climate Scientists Frantically Waving Arms As Passersby Walk Straight Through Them ExxonMobil CEO Depressed After Realizing Earth Could End Before They Finish Extracting All The Oil Tips For Dealing With A Difficult Landlord Excerpts from the Harry Potter Series, Reprinted In The Trumpian Translation 5 Things To Know About Rachel Maddow Nikki Haley Resigns As Trump’s U.N. Ambassador Kowtow: Chinese Habit We Are Learning U.S. Public Health Service Estimates They’ll Have Tuskegee Experiment Wrapped Up By 2020 Kavanaugh Huffs and Puffs His Way to the Supreme Court [Title Blocked Until You Pledge To My Patreon] ‘We Love When Thing Taste Like Other Thing’ NFL Urges Pass Rushers To Try Reaching Peaceful Resolution With Quarterbacks Before Resorting To Tackling What's Your Worst Roommate Story? Febreze Releases New Air Horn For Covering Up Unpleasant Bathroom Sounds Taylor Swift Breaks Silence On Politics To Support Democrats There Never Been A Better Time To Buy Than Right Now Strange, Nightmarish Incident Results In Man Waking Up As Giant Kafka Taylor Swift Inspires 200 Million Fans To Register To Vote In Tennessee New Polls Increase Fears That Midterm Elections Will Be Won By Wave Of Politicians Banksy Hospitalized With Third Degree Burns After Attempting To Cash Self-Destructing Check U.N. Reports Says Humanity Has 12 Years To Avert Climate-Related Catastrophe Nikki Haley Resigns To Accept Consulting Role With Afghan Warlord Most Americans’ Retirement Plans Consist Of Hoping Their Random Junk Turns Out To Be Collector’s Item Worth Millions Zangief Blasted For Disrespectful Celebration After Fight In Spain The Beginning Begins | Fantasy High [Full Episode]

Fake News

Armie Hammer’s Rehab Clinic for Actors Who Had to Dance on Film Once

Greetings! I’m Armie Hammer! You definitely should know me by now from the Academy Award-winning movie Call Me By Your Name, in which my lead character Oliver cuts a rug to “Love My Way” by The Psychedelic Furs. What most people don’t know and absolutely need to, however, is that shooting the dance number was one of the most painful scenes I’ve ever had to do.

That’s why I’d like to tell you about my rehab clinic for actors who had to dance on film once.

Even though I’m world famous and have been for years and it didn’t just happen recently no matter what anyone says, a life of fame and fortune always comes with drawbacks. In my case, it’s how I’m so fucking messed up from that dance scene.

But because I’m equally generous and perceptive, I know that other actors are surely going through the same trauma, which is why I founded this carefully tailored rehab center to help myself and my peers cope with briefly dancing in a movie in which we were paid handsomely to act.

Look, I may be a superstar actor with infinite potential, but I also basically have PTSD.

My therapy center is called Hammer Out Your Dance Demons and is funded exclusively by me and by none of my family’s $200+ million fortune because I’m a self-made man who has never once benefitted from my house’s vast wealth and influence.

Here at HOYDD, you’ll do exactly what the title suggests: drive out the suffering. Situated somewhere in Northern Italy, this clinic operating out of a humble, rustic mansion adjoining a peach orchard is perfectly designed to assist actors like me, who have come from a lifetime of privilege, and to reckon with the abject horror of a mildly bad dance.

I’m just a normal, run-of-the-mill American who grew up in the Cayman Islands, likes BDSM Twitter posts, and got ringworm a lot as a kid, which is why I’m relatable. Through a combination of bike riding that affords views of breathtaking pastoral landscapes, swimming in natural freshwater pools supplied by trickle down from the Alps, and aiding in archaeological excursions at sea, this simple, relaxation-based therapy is guaranteed to aid in accepting the brutal reality of being forced to do a simplistic two-step to no music while 500 extras ogle you while you do a thing that they are also doing, but for ten thousand times less money.

Naysayers (assholes who forgot I played both Winklevoss Twins, which was so hard) have told me that the exercises invented to help my patients unravel the tightly bound cords of their pain is “exactly what you do in Call Me By Your Name,” “technically counts as plagiarism,” and “you could get sued, dude.” To that I say it’s purely a coincidence that many of the events that take place in the film are also rehabilitation procedures curated by the brilliantly original mind of yours truly. It’s really quite funny how similar they are, but what isn’t remotely humorous is that I almost died from embarrassment on set. Seriously. It’s not.

Look, I may be a superstar actor with infinite potential, but I also basically have PTSD. While I haven’t been officially diagnosed by a licensed psychologist, I do know that it usually affects poor people who fought in wars or poor people who experienced unspeakable violence. But dancing on camera is like war for me in the sense that I signed up for “military service” (agreed to act in a motion picture for seven-figure salary) and neglected to anticipate the “horrors of combat”(sometimes acting requires a bit of physical movement to harmonized sound).

Now, here I am, broken but still trying to help other poor souls with rich bodies figure out how they’re going to ever act in a movie again without being haunted by their permanently bruised egos that resulted from consenting to feeling insecure about doing something that almost the entire world does to express joy and pleasure.

So far, no one’s signed up, and that’s fine. They’re probably just scared. But I know in my very self-aware brain that they’re out there and that one day, they’ll come: professional performers who are embarrassing by performing.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.