Homepage / Fake News / An Open Letter To The Guy Next To Me Writing An Open Letter To The Smug Barista Who Threw Shade At Me
Devil's Triangle [Full Episode] He Finally Gets 48 – A Textoon Brexit Dilemma Journal Entries Show That Henry Ford Invented the Weekend in Part Because He Loved to Get Wrecked in a Major Way Bush, Loafers Thrown At Him Reunite On NBC For 10-Year Anniversary Special Kirstjen Nielsen Urges Migrant Parents Leave The Weak Ones Behind This Is The Year I’m Finally Going To Burn Your House Down Charlottesville Jury Recommends 419 Years Plus Life For Neo-Nazi Who Killed Protester Petco Employee Stocks Gerbils By The Cash Register For Impulse Purchases Greatest Factor In Employee Retention Boss Sending Out End-Of-Year Note Titled ‘Thanks Team’ List: Excerpts from the Support Group for Teachers Who Have Eaten Elmer’s Glue Supreme Court Will Not Hear Case On Defunding Planned Parenthood Indoctrinate-TED Parking a Giant Robot is Hard Department Of Interior To Control Rising Mole Population By Releasing Mallets Into National Parks Red Cross Issues Reminder They Can’t Accept Donations From People With Loose Blood Cupped In Hands Most Notorious Criminals In U.S. History I Am Urging You to Urge Others to Push for Climate Change Action NRA Clarifies Mission, Changes Name To National Russia Association Innocuous Thing You Did In Public Prompts Inside Joke That Bonds Group Of Teens For Life The Origins Of Popular Christmas Songs Long Lost “A Christmas Carol” Remake Starring Worst Actors Ever Discovered in Storage Facility Kleenex To Release Special Facial Product For Democrats: “Pity Me Tissues” Theresa May Narrowly Manages To Survive Parliamentary Firing Squad New Smithsonian Exhibit Honors Thousands Of Pets Who Joined Workforce After Owners Left To Fight In World War II CNN Opens Up 24-Hour Anonymous Tip Line For Anyone With Synonyms For ‘Mueller Closing In’ Trump Ex-Lawyer Michael Cohen Given 36 Months In Prison Nation Finally Ready To Look At More Sidewalk Drawings That Look Like Big Holes But Are Actually Just Flat My Boyfriend Wants To Go On a "Gaycation" (Love Advice) Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Rescinds Nomination After Discovering The Cure Was Voted In As Cruel Prank By Popular Kids Warhammer & The Weasleys Donald Trump’s Criterion Top 10 Mortician Always Keeps Hammer At Tableside Just In Case One Comes Back To Life U.S. Military Honors Sacrifices Of NFL Players By Wearing Jerseys Throughout December Theresa May Delays Vote On Brexit Deal System For Telling Clean Clothes From Dirty Falls Apart By Second Day Of Trip Ayatollah Upset Notre Dame Made NCAA Playoff Instead of UCF Jackets to Buy This Winter Instead of Having a Personality “Lawyers, Guns and Money” Playing Repeatedly In West Wing At High Volume U.S. Coal Consumption Drops To Lowest Level In 40 Years ‘Oh, Was I Not Enough For You?’ Amazon Echo Asks Couple Bringing New Baby Home Delta Plane Jettisons Dozens Of Comfort Animals Midflight Following Policy Changes Orrin Hatch Delivers Farewell Address From Coffin Descending Into Plot Dug In Middle Of Senate Floor Pros And Cons Of Seeking Out Uncontacted Peoples Time Awards Person Of The Year To Targeted Journalists Including Jamal Khashoggi Machiavelli’s Job Application Campbell’s Unveils New Tomato Soup Humidifier The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley Michael Cohen Granted Prison Work Release For New Job With Trump 2020 Campaign Eve of Impeachment: A Song Parody Michael Cohen Completes First Stage Of Intricate Plan To Break Incarcerated Brother Out Of Prison From Inside French President Sarkozy Took Million From Gaddafi, Does a Contribution to Obama Explain Benghazi My Girlfriend Has a Dildo From Her Ex-Boyfriend (Love Advice) New York Family Man Latest Victim Of Nation’s Misguided War On Tax Evasion, Perjury, Campaign Finance Violations Bicoastal Time Zone Lesson‬ The Joy of Painting Advanced Weapons Systems Thousands Of Drunk Revelers Dressed As Jesus Descend On Vatican For Annual ChristCon Pub Crawl Every Person In High-End Singapore Casino Either Carrying Out Or Target Of Assassination Frat Nutritionists Dare Americans To Swallow More Live Goldfish Study Finds Average American Gets Most Physical Exertion Waving Cell Phone Around To Get Signal We Were Young and in Love and it was Nuclear Winter Power Harassment Indifference: Income Inequality for Women Persists 2018 Top 10 Comedic News Stories White House Holiday Decorations Through History Trump Threatens to Hold Breath ‘Until Mueller Goes Away’ Trump Claims Substantial Portions Of The U.S.-Mexico Laser Forcefield Have Already Been Built Jonesing Nation Demands Trump Tell Them Where, Exactly, Drugs Are Pouring Into Country Satanic Statue On Display In Illinois Capitol Building For Holidays Soldier Back Home From Serving At Mexico Border Still Having Nightmares About Being Used As Political Prop How To Spot Red Flags With My Married Dom? (Love Advice) Google Translation for Work-Appropriate Self-Evaluations Local Clan Attempts To Intimidate Rivals With Aggressive Display Of Fertility See Plum Run: Official Music Video Authoritarian Secretary Of Transportation Declares She Has Ultimate Right Of Way In Every Traffic Scenario Bertolli Packaging Promises Empty Ravioli Floating In Filling-Saturated Water In Just 5 Minutes Court Filings Suggest Trump Illegally Directed Hush Money Payments Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 11, 2018 Mosquitos: The Best Support System You Never Knew You Had ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Now Just Hoping George R.R. Martin Dies Soon So Estate Can Release Whatever He’s Already Written Those Sensors That Flush Public Toilets Were Also Cameras This Whole Time John Kelly Resigns In Last-Ditch Effort To Save His And Trump’s Friendship John Kelly Out As Chief Of Staff MLB Hoping To Boost Attendance At League Meetings With ‘Star Wars’ Night 5 Reasons Why the Donner Party was Better Than Your Birthday Party Woman Trying To Wean Self Off Coffee By Switching To Long Island Iced Tea I Tricked My Girlfriend Into Dating Me For a Bet (Love Advice) White House Ficus To Leave For Virginia Arboretum After Declining Trump’s Offer To Be Chief Of Staff A Dirty Cop's Worst Nightmare At Disney, We Live Every Day In Terror That You’ll Turn On Superhero Movies Flakes On A Plain 5G Phones Coming Petting Zoo All Goats 10 Fun Ways to Market a House Without a Garage The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 10, 2018 Nixon’s Waterloo… My American Scandal I Am Not Like All the Rest: Funny Lines from Online Dating Profiles The Trumpanos: A New HBO Series Cap’n Crunch and Tony the Tiger Are Still Fighting About the National Anthem Kneelings and It’s Ruining My Mornings Lame Time Traveler Arrives to Warn Nation Against Electing Trump POTUS Wes Anderson Begins Filming Next Film In France A Funeral Director’s Guide on How Best to Die

Fake News

An Open Letter To The Guy Next To Me Writing An Open Letter To The Smug Barista Who Threw Shade At Me

Dear Guy Next To Me Staring Critically At The Smug Barista Who Threw Shade At Me,

First of all, thanks again for moving your backpack off the seat. I’m clinically awkward, and I appreciate how you immediately sensed that and didn’t make me go any further than “Um, would you…” before moving your pack with a little smile that was both cryptic and endearingly awkward. The fact is, it was the awkwardness of your smile that assured me we’re simpatico, though a little time must pass before I declare you my soulmate. And thanks for not hunching over your keyboard like a café paranoiac to prevent your seat-neighbor from reading your writing.

And a ginormous thanks for starting a satirical “open letter” about the smug barista’s snarky attitude towards me! I love your lead:

“Dear Barista With The Smoldering Eyes and Attitude to Match,

Sure you’ve got youth, virility, muscular guns in a sleeveless tee, and a leonine mane of raven hair that nubile young women surely tiptoe through nightly—“

Well put! His eyes do smolder! That’s an apt adjective for eyes that burn the hearts of kind but unsure people who, while not always able to form a broad smile when their heart has been burnt, nonetheless manage to form a brave little smile (sometimes called “creepy”) in their determination to spread sunshine around. Yes, honored Seat Neighbor, you have described the whelp’s arrogance in a manner both just and poetic. Yes, poetic! For you possess not only the wild hair and earthy aroma of a latter-day Rimbaud, but the soul of a paragon of that noble archetype, the ultra-sensitive café-sitting poet!

Ah, you’ve continued:

“… but you didn’t have to shred the soul of that paunchy old bald guy just because he ordered ‘a cuppa Joe’ in an attempt, dated and pathetic though it was, to sound hip—“

What the hell?! Listen, you stinking bum with lice-infested hair, “old” is for people of seventy—no, seventy-five—and I’m just sixty-three. And I look fifty-eight! Everyone says so! You know, for someone who presumably prides himself on diction, “bald” is a pretty dumb substitute for “thinning hair.”

So may I pour you a cuppa jo-vial criticism, my erstwhile bud? SynonymsForLosers.com is the place for you.

And while we’re talking awful diction: “paunch,” man? Look, my confused Gen X friend—and when I say “look,” be glad anyone is looking at you, because—wait a minute. Is somebody there? I’m not sure, but I think I see the faint outline of someone wedged in between that big bold Boomer and that audacious Millennial. Yes! I see an under-employed, middle-aged wastrel with thinning hair and a paunch of a size no man should carry before age sixty-three. Your youth is fading, not-so-young slacker friend. Jeez, that felt good. Now, let’s see what my Pretentious Poet Of The Nowhere Café has written next:

“… but besides all those things, plus our spiraling debt, and deteriorating families, and insanely expensive (yet paradoxically pointless) college, you have to admit, the Baby Boomers gave us great songs…”

Yeah, we did …

“…and the Internet. And hey, I’ve met ten or twelve, maybe, who don’t make me cringe. So while the dude resembles late-stage Walter White, albeit without the brio or fierce confidence—or any confidence, really, making him a wimpy pre-Heisenberg Walt—you might want to try not frying him with your gaze next time, or mocking him on your social sites. Dude’s lived, you know? You might even try talking to the fool!”

Talking to the fool.

Hey, wait, why are you shuffling out without a word? The fool wants to talk! I thought we were friends! Some friend you turn out to be! I’ll get you for this! I write satire, you know! Loser! Looo-ser!

Yours in love and peace,

Thinking of upping your writing game? Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” class starts Sept 23. Use code PIC for 10% off.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.