Homepage / Fake News / An Open Letter on Maturity to Jonathan from His Penis
Tennessee Little League Team Embarrass Selves, Entire Volunteer State Record Number Died In Opioid Epidemic In 2017 Hundreds Of People Exactly Like Manafort, Cohen Enjoy Another Day Without Any Consequences Whatsoever New Neutrogena Extra-Strength Face Wash Instantly Dissolves Bad Skin PETA Condemns BBC For Trapping Thousands Of Endangered Animals Inside TV Screens When is the Best Time to Visit New York? Rudolph Giuliani: ‘Truth Isn’t Truth’ Doctors Clear Ben Roethlisberger For Unwanted Contact When a Kink Chooses You Obama Endorses Not Doing Goddamn Thing To Fix Illinois In Midterms Tips For Getting Better At Crosswords Is Wayne Enterprises The ‘Silent Partner’ In Musk’s Recent Tesla Gambit? CBI issues best practice guidelines for awkward lift journeys Frustrated Men Demand To Know ‘Exactly Where On Tits It Okay To Touch Nowadays’ Free Books Until Midnight! | HumorFeed Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 21, 2018 LeBron James Crestfallen After Learning L.A. Doesn’t Have Any Rock And Roll Museums The 7 Types of Procrastinator Sexy and Confusing Lessons from the Online Fitness Industry The CIA Is In Crisis Mode After ISIS Made Its Instagram Private Grocery Store Bar Actually Has Great Little Happy Hour, Reports Man With A Serious Problem Tim Burton Worried He Going Through A Bit Of A 14-Movie Slump Law School Applications Increase Upon Realization That Any Fucking Idiot Can Be Lawyer Trump Accuses Voters Of Meddling In Midterms Ingenious Political Analyst Points Out Irony Of Melania Trump Speaking Out Against Cyber Bullying When Her Husband Donald Trump Tips For Pulling An All-Nighter Emotional Elon Musk Recalls Spending Entire Birthday Working On Concepts For Mistreating Employees Trump Cancels Military Parade, Citing Price Lunch Place Uses Way Too Much Mayo In Fruit Salad Secretary Of Education Reveals She’s Forced To Use Own Salary On Yacht Supplies Icy Cave At Peak Of Andes Mountains Now Sole Remaining Place On Earth Where You Can Escape This The Strange Life of a Costco Food Sample Michael Cohen Relieved To Remember It Illegal To Charge Lawyer With Crime Penny Not So Lucky For Tortured Soul Of Lincoln Trapped Inside India Rolls Out Healthcare For 500 Million People The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 20, 2018 New York Times Presents 36 Hours Inside Your Own Head In Over His Head and Under Senate House Arrest My Only Regret Is That I Have But 96 Lives Per Day To Give For My Country by Wayne LaPierre The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Mean Guys Snake Poses on a Plane Editorial: The So-Called ‘President’ Must Be Held to Account for Attacking the Free Press Hollywood Launching Cinematic Universe About Fruit Spotify May Allow Unlimited Ad Skipping For Free Users If You Do This While Driving a Convertible, Things Will Definitely End Badly Support Women (If You Know One) Ditching Tight Pants Improves Sperm Count Conch Shell Opens Up During a Weekend in the Hamptons West Hollywood Urges Removal of Trump’s Walk of Fame Star Game Host Vanna White Resigns From Wheel of Fortune After 35 Years World’s Religious Leaders Admit They Just Love Getting To Wear Frilly Little Gowns And Having A Blast I Didn’t Spend Four Years at Juilliard Studying Percussion To Be Called “Mr. Tambourine Man” Germany Running Out Of Beer Bottles Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice ‘Listen, No Normal Person Is Going To Sign Up To Be A Priest’ A 49-Year-Old’s Thoughts While Walking the Dog Portrait Next To Coffin Most Likely The Deceased 4 Great Feelings That Will Make You Go Niiiiiice ‘Paw Patrol’ Writers Defend Episode Where German Shepherd Cop Shoots Unarmed Black Lab 17 Times In Back Girlfriend Slowly Becoming Radicalized By New Skin-Care Blog Pros And Cons Of Mobile Payment Apps Should The NFL Eliminate The Off-Season? Man Not Even The Hot Kind Ice In Urinal Just Cherry On Top For Man Who Came To Club To Drink Piss NASA Scientists Make Life-Changing Discovery But You Kind Of Had To Be There SatireWorld’s Douchebag of the Week…..Gov. Andrew Cuomo Fantasy Novel Not Holding Back On Criticisms Of Dwarvish Culture Head On Pike Really Pulling Together Castle’s Look Hotshot Peasant Has Window Pretentious Peasant Insists He Never Watches Beheadings Trumpet Player Wishes Someone Would Sound Horns For Him When He Entered Castle Gates For Once Knights Organization Denies Claims That Overhunting Could Lead To Extinction Of Dragons Church Masses Going Wild Over Catchy New Gregorian Chant Jason Momoa Reveals He Spent Months Becoming Useless Dumbass To Get Into Character For ‘Aquaman’ Trump Escalates Feud with Former Aide Frederick Douglass Star Wars News Net Joins Hundreds Of Publications In Condemning Trump’s Attacks On The Press Methadone Clinic Must Be Having Some Sort Of Big Party Someone Robbed That KFC Again Trump Locked Out Of White House After Accidentally Revoking Own Security Clearance Colin Hanks Is The Better Hanks, Fight Me Fox News Apologizes For Mistaking Patti LaBelle For Aretha Franklin The 6 Types of People That Say “I’m Just Gonna Leave This Here” in Movies NBCU Readying Streaming Service That Pays Viewers To Watch It   Should The MLB Ban Infield Shapeshifting? 8 Stages Of Deciding Dinner With Your Significant Other White House Honors Aretha Franklin By Not Releasing Official Statement On Her Death MoviePass Attempts To Increase Profitability By No Longer Mailing Out Free $500 A Month To Subscribers Diversity Is So IN Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart…”I make His Fo Schizzle Sizzle” | You make the news…We report it! How To Keep Your Smartphone From Ruining Your Vacation I’m the Boyband Member Everyone Always Forgets Allow Me To Demon ‘Strate NOAA Lowers Warnings For Atlantic Hurricane Season FBI Fingers Hillary Clinton In Surprise Vagina Probe Whoa, I Saw The Mummy That’s Been Chasing Us Without His Bandages and He’s Actually Really Handsome Biblical Scholars Have Discovered That Christ’s Eyes Were Much Lower Down On His Face Than Previously Believed Surgeon Pretty Bummed About Losing Patient, But It Not Like They Were Good Friends Or Anything President Revokes Security Clearance Of Macaulay Culkin More Than 100 U.S. Newspapers Plan Editorials Decrying Trump’s Attacks On Media The Onion’s Guide To ‘The Great British Baking Show’

Fake News

An Open Letter on Maturity to Jonathan from His Penis



Dear Jonathan,

Hey, it’s me “little Jonathan,” you know, your penis! Let’s chat.

I get it, it’s not easy having me around. I make it difficult at times to think about anything other than sex. I apologize, I guess you could say I’m just wired that way.

Thing is, we’re past puberty. We’re both adults now, and the time has come for us to grow up. There’s no excuse for your behavior. Yes, I’m referring to you taking pictures of me and sending them unsolicited to women. Not cool. That’s literally harassment. Frankly, I’m more than a vessel for entertainment and pleasure, and I’m tired of your attitude.

I get it, you’re sitting around thinking, Yeah, I’m one of the lucky ones. I have less than $10,000 left on my student loans, some say I’m handsome, and my dick is on point! Thing is, I AM MORE THAN JUST A PRETTY FACE.

Okay, look, maybe I am on point and I’ll take the compliment. It’s just that we can’t go around literally putting me into everyone’s face. Julia, who you met while shopping at Whole Foods, sure didn’t want to log in to Facebook and see me pop up in her messenger box, and lord knows Gretchen from pottery class was in no way interested in that private Twitter message where you blew up my spot.

Here’s the thing: if you want to show me to someone, you have to get consent. It’s a pretty simple concept, and yet somehow you fail to understand this, over and over.

I have other functions, too, you know. I’m your vessel to potentially having kids one day (although if you keep this up, I might get permanently damaged in some sort of justified punch in my face). I’m also here to evacuate your urine. You do know that without being able to pee, you can literally poison your body, right? RIGHT?

Again, if I get sucker punched, and probably deservedly so based on your pattern of behavior, I’m not gonna be able to do any more of that urinary cleanup duty. You will be poisoned to DEATH! And for what? Your hubris and ridiculously entitled behavior. JUST STOP!

This isn’t like the time you were thirteen and decided to sneak into Wedding Crashers and I was so so scared I literally shriveled into a tiny mess. Or when you and Kyle lied to your parents that you were staying the night at each other’s house so you could sneak out and joy ride Kyle’s dad’s Lexus. Or that time you drank fifteen Mike’s Hard Lemonades and tried to hook up with Tiffany. Remember what happened? I just stayed there flaccid.

I’m trying to make a point and you aren’t listening!

I’ve had it. The picture of me in your “cool” MeUndies boxer briefs that you just sent to eleven different women really pushed me over the edge.

Yeah, that’s right, I’m protesting until you stop this behavior. In fact, I’m gonna start making your life miserable. That night with Lisa, or Lissa, or Melissa or whatever, that was fun, right? Well guess what, mofo… it’s going to burn when you pee from here on out! Maybe a case of the clap will teach you to stop.

If that doesn’t do it, then you know what? I’m just gonna develop a GODDAMN BLOOD CLOT and it’s going to require some sort of procedure where getting an erection will be impossible. Lord help you if that doesn’t work, because I know a way to get gangrene. Not the noticeable, early treatment kind, the kind that requires us to GET A DIVORCE.

I trust you’ve gotten the point.

Next time I see my picture… you know what, there better not BE a next time! GROW UP! STOP HARASSING WOMEN!!

Respectfully,
Your Penis




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish